Dear my darling angel,
I miss you sweetie, my precious baby. Not a minute goes by when mummy doesn’t think of you. I would do anything to have you back with me and Daddy, I really would. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t Daddy’s either. I was the one that was too weak to stand up to anyone. I regret that so much. I still hold my belly every now and again, hoping that you are still there, but then I come back to reality and realise that you are gone, to a better place. I would have done anything for you- I hope you know that, so would daddy.
I wish I could of felt you kick, gone through all of that pain when you decided you wanted to meet everyone. I wish I could comfort you when you cry and watch you sleep. I wish I could tell you stories about the princess and the prince. I wish I could hear you first word and help you walk. Take you to school in the mornings and pick you up when it’s finished- I would be the proudest mum in the playground. I wish I could read you reading book with you, and comfort you when you are scared at night. I wish I could scare the monster under your bed away and watch you smile.
I would have made a good mummy, and daddy would have been the best. He would have spoilt you till you had everything! We would have cared for you, protected you from the world, so no one could ever hurt you. We would have loved you more than anyone could ever know. Now you are our angel, and will be forever. Don’t be worried, mummy and daddy think of you all the time and you will never be forgotten- I promise you.
Mummy and daddy don’t talk about you a lot because it hurts too much, but we still love you. Mummy and daddy wanted you here with us sweetie, and although it may seem like nanny didn’t, she would have loved you too; she was trying to look out for mummy. She thought I wouldn’t be able to cope with you baby, but believe me I would have. You would have come before anyone and anything, you would have had everything you needed and more, even if it meant mummy and daddy missing out on days out or things like that. I wouldn’t go out for a year if it meant you were happy and had everything you wanted.
You may be too young to understand all of this and everything that has happened, but please understand this. Mummy and daddy love you so very dearly.
I know this pain will never go away, I will always regret losing you but I will never regretting having you in my belly. Those few weeks I had with you, I will cherish for the rest of my life. Even if it does involve throwing up all the time and sleeping most of the time. That was you letting mummy know you were there. Making sure I hadn’t forgot you.
I may have another baby in my life, but remember, that baby will never replace you, and even though that baby may be here with us and you will be up there, I will never forget you or stop loving you. You will always be mummy and daddy’s first child.
Mummy and daddy love you, our precious baby
X
15.03.08-01.07.08
Rest in Peace, sweetheart
I look back on that day and really thing of how much of a fool I was. To think that I would just forget about it and move on with my life was just a dream. It is still and will always be there. I aborted my unborn child, and no one close to me knows.
I went to the clinic by myself. I drove the 45 minutes there and back. I walked past the protesters who walked up to my car to tell me I was a murderer. I walked the walk of shame opening the doors to my reality. The whole time not shedding a tear. Just staring at the other girls, feeling worse for them than myself. I talked to a girl that was 15 weeks along. She was already showing. I was “lucky” because I was only 6 weeks. I found out I was pregnant on a Monday and was in the clinic that Wednesday. I wanted to just get it over with. And that’s what I did. I laid back on the bed and stared at the butterflies and flowers on the ceiling. Waiting for everything to just be over. The doctor commented on my not making any sounds and I just closed my eyes, waiting to get off of the horrible table. I walked down the hallway to the recovery room where other girls were sobbing and doubled over in pain. I didn’t want the juice or crackers that the nurses offered me. I just wanted to leave. She told me I could go after changing and I wanted to run out of there. As I was leaving, that girl that I had talked to had her blanket up to her nose, sobbing her heart out. As I walked past her, I reached for her hand and squeezed it. We looked at each other with the look that we had made the biggest decision of our lives and it was never going to be the same again. And it never has been.
I still think about all of those girls that were in the clinic with me that day. How are they dealing with it all now? Does it go away or stay with you forever? Do they wonder what life would be with our children? I know I do. I wonder if he/she would have looked like me or the father. I look in his eyes every morning and see our child. A child that I’ll never meet. A child that I’ll never hold. A child I’ll never kiss. But it is a child that I will always love with all my heart and I wish I could bring you back to me. I’m sorry I was weak and selfish. I’ll never forgive myself and will always miss you.
The life that I wanted was to have me and my family, although I didn’t know it was goin to come so soon…
me being very scared and not knowing how to tell my mother…hiding the growth that was inside of me at only 17 years old. My boyfriend being the happiest person in the world because he’s goin to be a daddy. Me having mixed feelings not knowing what to do. So I decided to wait because I have the type of parent who is all for abortions and things of that nature so I decided to wait till it was too late.
Now me, only 17, not knowing what to do with all these changes that are happening with me and my body and trying to take care of it myself. That didn’t work out too good. I went four and a half months with no doctor visits and no type of prenatal care. So one day, I’m in school and I just start throwing up every where. Now me and my boyfriend know why but no one else has any idea. I then decided that I had to tell my mother because I could no longer go on being sick like this. So I called her with tears in my eyes and my boyfriend by my side while I heard the painful words, “You’re not keeping it.” That’s when I knew what I had to do, fight for my baby.
I became so attached even though I didn’t go to the doctors. I took care of her the best way i knew how. i developed a relationship I talked to my baby and everything. I wanted a girl and I swear I was going to give her the world be the best parent she ever could have had and give her the most love in this world. My mom seemed to think otherwise. She didn’t seem to think that I was even ready to say the word pregnant. She didn’t even ask me what I wanted to do with my baby, so finally I told her. I didn’t want to have an abortion and she then told me that I had to get out of her house and that she wouldn’t help me do anything at all and that if she saw me and her grandchild on the street hungry, that she would just drive off and leave us there. That hurt my feelings so much and I couldn’t do it by myself. I needed her and her help and I had no one but her and my boyfriend and we were both in school so who else did I have?… No one. So I decided to listen to my mother no matter how much it hurt.
I went to A Woman’s Choices on December 5 and I let that man suck her out of me with tears in my eyes and the most pain in my stomach. I felt terrible and now it hurts even more. I miss my baby so much and I think about her everyday and I pray that the Lord forgives me because I had no other choice. But now I’m feeling like it was meant for me to have a baby because now here I am almost 3 months later and possibly pregnant again!… And this time, I refuse to have an abortion and I mean that!
I found out I was expecting about 12 weeks ago. And like most wonderful girls out there, I am going to be a single mom but this time it’s by choice… I know that my baby deserves a better father than the sperm donor… Sadly it was too late for me to realize it.
He did want me to have an abortion but I felt strongly against it. I told him to get a life and that I was better than that for him to tell me what to do with my own baby, how dare he. No man has a right to take away your baby… Then, when he realized he was wrong for saying what he said, he decided to support me and my decision to keep it. But I’m not sure I want someone who wanted my baby dead in the first place to father my baby… Is that selfish of me ???? I have grown to love my baby so much. I became so overprotective. I don’t want anyone to hurt my baby and I feel like he wants to help but he can’t give me what I know my baby deserves… I really don’t want him to have anything to do with my child. Is that wrong of me??? Is it wrong of me to have such high expectations of someone who will be caring for my baby??? I feel like he isn’t good enough for my child…
I love my baby so much, I just want what’s best. And the fact that he denied and wanted my baby dead in the first place just makes me feel like I don’t want him near my child.
So…I found out I was pregnant in April. At the time, I was very unsettled. I was one of those girls who you would find at a party acting like a fool, one of those girls whose only concern was her looks, parties, and of course, boys. I didn’t really think about my future or about where my life was going.
I was living with my ex-boyfriend at the time who was also the father of my baby. Me and him had moved in together when my mother kicked me out of her house, because I had been throwing parties and she could no longer trust me. Before the baby, everything between us was good. He had told me he wanted to marry me and had even come up with the plans of how he wanted to do it. He also told me that he wanted to have kids with me, so we began trying. Even though I was only eighteen, had dropped out of skewl, and had no future, I was dumb enough to believe he was the one and that he would be able to take care of me and a kid.
When I came home from the doctor with my news of my pregnancy, all of my friends could not be happier for me, but the father, on the other hand, was furious. He offered me $3,000 to get an abortion, and when I told him that there was no way I was going to do that, he kicked me out of the house. From then on, I bounced from house to house, trying to find a good home for me to bring a baby into. I finally got a hand out when my ex’s sister opened up her house to me and I gratefully accepted. Since moving in, the father has been in and out of my life, but when the day came to go to the hospital to have his son, he left for good.
Today, I am living my life day to day, no longer worrying about the little things in life, but instead the big things. I love my life with my son more and more as I watch him grow up in front of my eyes, and I know that one day, he will grow up to teach me more things than I could ever teach him. I love him through and through and even though the circumstances of his life and of his family are not the greatest, I do not love him any less and I will work as hard as I can to make up for all that he can not have.
It may be cliche but he is my world now, not myself.
Goodbye, my beautiful baby.
I only knew you for a very short time, but already I loved you. I’m sorry I was not good enough for you. I’m sorry You had to die. I’m sorry God took you from me so soon. When I die. please forgive me and walk with me in heaven. I am so sorry, my unborn child. I don’t know how but I miscarried you. I guess God had other plans for us.
I love you so much, please forgive me.
your mommy.
