It’s been 4 years since my abortion. Baby was due this month, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
I can’t even remember thinking about the consequences of such a cowardly decision. I not only stole a life of a child, I stole the playmate from my little boy… I still feel so guilty when I look into those blue eyes, as if he knows what his mommy has done. He’s such an understanding child, such a joy. & now the fear arises that what if my next child is born brain damaged, what if my punishment is to be unable to conceive? I have reached a point where I’m so terrified of falling pregnant again, I’m addicted to the morning-after pill! I take it like 4 times a month, even though I’m on the pill. I have my period twice a month, I think I have completely messed myself up. Nasty to know what a guilty conscience does….
I remember wondering if my unborn baby was a little girl… Sitting there with all these young girls around me, no one looking at anyone, like we don’t know why the next person is there, do they have this guilt? They say God always provides for his children… And knowing this, I still killed the innocent baby! I remember looking at that scanner and thinking “I cant do this” but I was told it’s too late…
I remember bleeding like a pouring tap! I remember feeling the worst cramps & convincing myself that it’s over! Little did I know that the pain I felt then would be nothing compared to the guilt I would feel for the rest of my life!
People always tell me how much they admire me, being a single mother, wondering how I cope… Little do they know I’m a murderer too! Wonder how that would change their opinion of me!!!!
Amazing how people say “Your baby & God have forgiven you.” Is it not a concern to think that God would forgive a rapist too! A cold-blooded murderer who deprived a family of their loved one! Kinda makes me angry to think that God should forgive those type of people! But I am that type of person, so is it not a hypocrisy to wanna be forgiven, but to be unable to forgive???
I’m so angry! I’m so terrified, I’m so disgusted! I look in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach knowing that I am the face of a killer!!!!!!
I hate myself for what I have done!!!!
I am now 15 weeks pregnant and guess what?? My family still doesn’t know about my situation. I just graduated last April 3. I got my college diploma but then I doubt if I’ll be able to work to support my little angel. At the first three months of my pregnancy, things are fine. I’m one of the fortunate moms-to-be who didn’t experience morning sickness. But then as the second trimester of my pregnancy came, things are never the same as before. I became so moody and sensitive, the fights between me and my boyfriend became intense until it led to separation.
Can’t believe that soon I’ll be a single mom…My parents still doesn’t know about my situation. I don’t want to be a burden to them. Things are getting complicated as I figure out that my ex-boyfriend is now flirting with other girls while I’m suffering from depression… It’s like, he doesn’t care at all…
And I remembered, four months ago, he told me that he really loved me and he is already sure that I’ll be his last girl. The moment we found out that I’m pregnant, he told me that it is his will and it is not an accident..
And then now, here I am… alone and crying…
Its really hard, every night I’m crying because I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. ,,
My ex-boyfriend is happy now, somewhere…..
But then I know everything happens for a reason…I know, I can make it even without my ex-boyfriend…
The father of my children recently got in a car wreck with 4 of his friends:
He is home but still not himself, [the first friend]- limping and not himself, [the second friend]- broke his arm, [the third friend]- brain dead, not doing good at all, might not make it………………………… And [the fourth friend] broke his neck and killed the lady he ran into……… I’m so scared! I hope everyone is OK. I know I won’t be able to raise our children without him stable!!!!!
I NEED HELP!
LAST YEAR, MY FRIEND GOT PREGNANT. WE WERE SO SCARED!
SHE DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HER MOM AND HER BOYFRIEND SO WE ALL TRIED TO HIDE IT! THEN HER MOM STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE WASN’T ASKING HER TO BUY ANY PADS(AT THIS TIME SHE WAS 15, SHE WAS EMBARRASSED TO BUY THEM). SO SHE ASKED HER, ARE YOU PREGNANT? THEN SHE STARTED CRYING SO SHE TOOK HER TO THE DOCTOR AND HE SAID AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME, SHE WAS 3 MONTHS SO SHE TOLD THE BABY’S FATHER AND HE WASN’T UPSET HE WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED SO IN MAY, SHE’S GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY…
I WILL UPLOAD PICS AND THE NAME!
I was on my way home on the bus, and I was having serious abdominal pain. I was so scared. and more when I felt like blood was coming from down there.
When I got to the actual bus station, I called my dad and he sent my stepmom. I was on the phone and I was crying and scared. I remember saying to myself, my baby, oh my baby is going to die and it’s all my fault I let what they were saying at home get to me. I should have been stronger and he would be OK. When my stepmom got there and took me to the ER, they took some tests. And gave me some medicine for the pain. it wasn’t blood but it was very thick mucus. and I was still freakin’ out and she wasn’t being supportive. She just kept saying you lost the baby. And I was so mad, I couldn’t believe that. She wasn’t comforting but so cold to me especially when I am there crying. My ex-friend had called me on the ride to the ER and I told her I was on my way to the hospital and she pretty much arrived at the same time did. She held my hand got me to smile, even though the medication pretty much took over me. I slept a lil which was good. My dad finally got there and I said hi and he let me and her be. The nurse came in and said that as far as the could tell everything was OK. And I was OK to go home with some antibiotics for a UTI that the had found. All I remember hearing was that my baby was OK, and I felt OK a sign of relief.
My stepmom and my dad’s sister weren’t very excited that the baby was OK but I didn’t care cuz it was there that it was clear I was the protector of my lil baby…
Dear my little sugarplum.
Mummy and Daddy still miss you, baby. We love you so much, no one will ever take your place.
It’s mummy’s 17th next month. I’m getting a tattoo- for you. So you will forever be with me. If you could see it when it’s done, I think you’d like it. I have drawn it out and everything. Daddy likes it 🙂
Mummy is struggling a lot with everything lately, but I try to carry on- I like to think you are watching me sometimes so I want to make you proud. Baby- I never stop thinking about it. Not even for one second! Like I said in my last letter, you will always be Mummy and Daddy’s little baby, our first child!
I love you so much baby! forever and always.
Love
Mummy and Daddy
xxxx
