Dear Baby,
I thought I would write you a little letter, another one. I was just doing a silly quiz thing which was ‘What Should Your Parents Have Called You’, and mine came back as Lexi.
It made me cry. That’s what Mummy and Daddy were going to call you if you were a girl- Lexie-Mai.
I’ve been thinking about you so much lately baby, wondering who you would look like more- me or Daddy, what you would be doing now, what your smile would be like, things like that. I would do anything to have you back. You would be 19 weeks old tomorrow (2nd May).
I miss you baby. I miss you like crazy. I would do anything to hold you in my arms and know everything will be ok.
Are you with me baby, are you watching me? I wish there was a way of knowing if you’ve been looking after. Can you forgive me baby, will you ever be able to forgive me? I completely understand if you can’t. I can’t forgive myself.
Baby- i love you. Don’t ever forget that! And I will never regret falling pregnant with you, having you in my belly, having you in my life. I only regret losing you, not standing up to Nanny, not being strong enough.
Mummy loves you. Daddy loves you. We hope you love us back.
x
Rest In Peace Baby; 15.03.08-01.07.09
April 30th was my due date. Is it weird to keep track of something like that even though there’s no baby?
My ex-boyfriend, who was the father, and I agreed to spend the day together, but I really don’t believe it’s going to be as fulfilling as I had expected. Things have changed so much between the two of us and the abortion tore us up. Neither of us could handle the stress and regret on our own, but together, we just blamed each other and took it out on the relationship. I miss him so much, and I miss the opportunity to have a choice in keeping my baby. I know I would have kept it now. Unfortunately, I learned this lesson afterwards. I would give anything to have the two of them back, but I don’t feel I’m in a position to tell anyone how I feel. April has been such a hard month as it is and thinking only seems to get me down more and more. I’m going to meet him now. I don’t think I could spend the day at school.
All I can think about is the special day this could have been…
It’s been 4 years since my abortion. Baby was due this month, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.
I can’t even remember thinking about the consequences of such a cowardly decision. I not only stole a life of a child, I stole the playmate from my little boy… I still feel so guilty when I look into those blue eyes, as if he knows what his mommy has done. He’s such an understanding child, such a joy. & now the fear arises that what if my next child is born brain damaged, what if my punishment is to be unable to conceive? I have reached a point where I’m so terrified of falling pregnant again, I’m addicted to the morning-after pill! I take it like 4 times a month, even though I’m on the pill. I have my period twice a month, I think I have completely messed myself up. Nasty to know what a guilty conscience does….
I remember wondering if my unborn baby was a little girl… Sitting there with all these young girls around me, no one looking at anyone, like we don’t know why the next person is there, do they have this guilt? They say God always provides for his children… And knowing this, I still killed the innocent baby! I remember looking at that scanner and thinking “I cant do this” but I was told it’s too late…
I remember bleeding like a pouring tap! I remember feeling the worst cramps & convincing myself that it’s over! Little did I know that the pain I felt then would be nothing compared to the guilt I would feel for the rest of my life!
People always tell me how much they admire me, being a single mother, wondering how I cope… Little do they know I’m a murderer too! Wonder how that would change their opinion of me!!!!
Amazing how people say “Your baby & God have forgiven you.” Is it not a concern to think that God would forgive a rapist too! A cold-blooded murderer who deprived a family of their loved one! Kinda makes me angry to think that God should forgive those type of people! But I am that type of person, so is it not a hypocrisy to wanna be forgiven, but to be unable to forgive???
I’m so angry! I’m so terrified, I’m so disgusted! I look in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach knowing that I am the face of a killer!!!!!!
I hate myself for what I have done!!!!
I am now 15 weeks pregnant and guess what?? My family still doesn’t know about my situation. I just graduated last April 3. I got my college diploma but then I doubt if I’ll be able to work to support my little angel. At the first three months of my pregnancy, things are fine. I’m one of the fortunate moms-to-be who didn’t experience morning sickness. But then as the second trimester of my pregnancy came, things are never the same as before. I became so moody and sensitive, the fights between me and my boyfriend became intense until it led to separation.
Can’t believe that soon I’ll be a single mom…My parents still doesn’t know about my situation. I don’t want to be a burden to them. Things are getting complicated as I figure out that my ex-boyfriend is now flirting with other girls while I’m suffering from depression… It’s like, he doesn’t care at all…
And I remembered, four months ago, he told me that he really loved me and he is already sure that I’ll be his last girl. The moment we found out that I’m pregnant, he told me that it is his will and it is not an accident..
And then now, here I am… alone and crying…
Its really hard, every night I’m crying because I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. ,,
My ex-boyfriend is happy now, somewhere…..
But then I know everything happens for a reason…I know, I can make it even without my ex-boyfriend…
The father of my children recently got in a car wreck with 4 of his friends:
He is home but still not himself, [the first friend]- limping and not himself, [the second friend]- broke his arm, [the third friend]- brain dead, not doing good at all, might not make it………………………… And [the fourth friend] broke his neck and killed the lady he ran into……… I’m so scared! I hope everyone is OK. I know I won’t be able to raise our children without him stable!!!!!
I NEED HELP!
LAST YEAR, MY FRIEND GOT PREGNANT. WE WERE SO SCARED!
SHE DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HER MOM AND HER BOYFRIEND SO WE ALL TRIED TO HIDE IT! THEN HER MOM STARTED WONDERING WHY SHE WASN’T ASKING HER TO BUY ANY PADS(AT THIS TIME SHE WAS 15, SHE WAS EMBARRASSED TO BUY THEM). SO SHE ASKED HER, ARE YOU PREGNANT? THEN SHE STARTED CRYING SO SHE TOOK HER TO THE DOCTOR AND HE SAID AT THAT MOMENT IN TIME, SHE WAS 3 MONTHS SO SHE TOLD THE BABY’S FATHER AND HE WASN’T UPSET HE WAS ACTUALLY EXCITED SO IN MAY, SHE’S GOING TO HAVE A BABY BOY…
I WILL UPLOAD PICS AND THE NAME!
