It’s been 4 years since my abortion. Baby was due this month, but unfortunately, that didn’t happen.

I can’t even remember thinking about the consequences of such a cowardly decision. I not only stole a life of a child, I stole the playmate from my little boy… I still feel so guilty when I look into those blue eyes, as if he knows what his mommy has done. He’s such an understanding child, such a joy.  & now the fear arises that what if my next child is born brain damaged, what if my punishment is to be unable to conceive?  I have reached a point where I’m so terrified of falling pregnant again, I’m addicted to the morning-after pill! I take it like 4 times a month, even though I’m on the pill. I have my period twice a month, I think I have completely messed myself up. Nasty to know what a guilty conscience does….

I remember wondering if my unborn baby was a little girl… Sitting there with all these young girls around me, no one looking at anyone, like we don’t know why the next person is there, do they have this guilt? They say God always provides for his children… And knowing this, I still killed the innocent baby! I remember looking at that scanner and thinking “I cant do this” but I was told it’s too late…

I remember bleeding like a pouring tap! I remember feeling the worst cramps & convincing myself that it’s over! Little did I know that the pain I felt then would be nothing compared to the guilt I would feel for the rest of my life!

People always tell me how much they admire me, being a single mother, wondering how I cope… Little do they know I’m a murderer too! Wonder how that would change their opinion of me!!!!
Amazing how people say “Your baby & God have forgiven you.” Is it not a concern to think that God would forgive a rapist too! A cold-blooded murderer who deprived a family of their loved one! Kinda makes me angry to think that God should forgive those type of people! But I am that type of person, so is it not a hypocrisy to wanna be forgiven, but to be unable to forgive???

I’m so angry! I’m so terrified, I’m so disgusted! I look in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach knowing that I am the face of a killer!!!!!!

I hate myself for what I have done!!!!