Pregnant and Ashamed of Baby-Daddy
We were together for 3 years. The break-up was nasty.
He chose his top-less jobseeker who MMSed a topless picture to him trying to get a job as a Promoter. He dismissed her and said her morals were out of check- while in the meantime communicating with her. Soon after that, he told me we are not working out. A year and 10 months, I question how and why things happened the way they did. I should be happy that if he could choose her caliber over me, I am way better without him. Well, I did get by for a year after the break-up. There were of course times within that year when communication between the two of us was lethal; like the time he wanted to take me to jail for slapping his tramp; the MMSes he would send me “by accident” of his new little township queen. But through it all, I could still think of him and think to myself, “If only things were different between us….. Why are we apart?”
Soon, I snapped out of that mentality. Only soon after I discovered that he had moved into his ‘queen’s’ mother’s rented two-roomed house in the dingiest of townships with his new girlfriend and her very old mother who happens to be iSangoma. I then, of course, made a revelation that she was pregnant- a mere 7 months into their relationship, 7 months since we had broken up. That’s when I gave up any thoughts, hopes, and wishes of reuniting with the love of my life. While their relationship was progressing, his life was slowly becoming what he had always hated: he was living in a township, in a cramped up two-room with a hood girl AND her mother; he had just lost his job; the bank had repossessed his car……. Basically life was just not on his side.
15 January, I bought my first car, got a promotion at work, and basically living it up. He calls me. “I just wanted to know if you’re OK”. I’m shocked- that’s what I can tell you!!!!!!!!! I hadn’t spoken to him in so long. The last time we spoke we had both said very unkind words to one another. A week later, he calls me: “Hi. Are you in traffic? I just wanted to know if I could take you out for lunch one of these days.” TAKE ME OUT FOR LUNCH???? Is this guy being for real? I heard from his sister that he doesn’t work!!!!!!!!! A few days later, it started eating at me that he was making all this contact, so I call him: “Hey… I’m not meaning to be rude or hasty, but why the calls all of a sudden?” He answers me, “To be honest, I’ve missed you. This past year hasn’t been the same without you……” and that was the beginning of my mistake. He told me about how miserable he had been without me, and that I was his drive and without me, he really didn’t care how life was. “I know you know she is pregnant and I know that has hurt you. I wish I could take that away but you know I’ve always wanted a baby and this baby is the only good thing that came out of this relationship. My son is due in February and I will be there for him, but I’m moving back home soon because I can’t be with you while I’m living in her mother’s space, especially considering how you feel about her…..” Blah blah blah fish paste!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If only I had said that to him then…..
I continued to talk to him over the phone until we met for the first time in a long time- IN HER HOOD!!! We shared a long, passionate kiss and had a teary heart-to-heart. We both came to the conclusion that we wanted to work things out, for good this time. He was a gentleman. With no money and no car, of course he would drive my car and of course, I’d pay for our outings, and I’d give him money for interviews. In no time flat, we were rolling in the sheets. Lucky for me, we were using protection. I hated what I was doing but I had now become just like his baby-mama- INCONSIDERATE. Knowing that she could find out and get hurt, I enjoyed it him even more. But I was letting out feelings no-one could get out of me besides him. We continued having our stolen moments until the day before his son was born- 26 February. She decided to call him because, “she was bleeding”. My thoughts were, “we’re catching up, you idiot- call an ambulance!” My reaction: I drop him off at her house. The mood is very tense on our way there and I’m crying my eyes out. I had promised myself he would never make me cry again!!!!!!
Later that night, after I bought him airtime, he calls me, “Baby, come pick me up, I want to be with you tonight. I want to let you know that things will be alright”. I rush to pick him up. We have our first night unprotected, for the 1st time in a year. The next morning on- 27 February- my way to work, I drop him off in her hood; I give him a R50 and promise to see him soon. As soon as I get to work, I call him, “Listen, I can’t talk right now- I’m watching my son come into the world”. His tone of voice: as cold and as harsh as the last couple of times we spoke last year. I was distraught. Once again, I felt like the world was falling on top of me. I can’t believe she stole my dream; my man; the child I wanted to give him……… She stole my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The rest of the day he is very pompous and bragging about “how beautiful his son is”. The very next day I saw him, and once again, he re-assured me that 3 months after the baby’s born, he will leave her and we would come out of hiding. 3 months later, we start our toxic fighting and he gets physical with me but I still want to pursue this relationship. After a day of ugly words between us and me leaving him stranded in town (and coming back to get him of course), he tells me to forget “about me leaving my baby-mama. She’s good to me and you’ll never be her”. He gets his first check of R5 000.00 from his casting agency. He calls her, with the airtime I bought him, and he goes back to her hood for the weekend to spend it all on her. The week after, he comes back to me- and being the fool I was, I take him back.
Fast-forward to April of this year………..
…………………. I have slipped my period, but I do not think I could possibly be pregnant. I mean, we tried for 3 years without getting it right. I get a home test. The result: 2 blue lines! It’s positive and I’m pregnant. I’m excited to tell him. I get to him and tell him. His reaction: “Get rid of it. I’m still enjoying my son and you’re going to complicate things. You and I are still trying to work things out. Get rid of it, we’ll try again”. I decided to keep my baby. His mother found out and he denied my baby…. He said the baby would be born looking Coloured because “she’s pregnant from a white guy”. HE DENIED HIS OWN FLESH AND BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! From there on things just turned from ugly to worse. Communication between me and his friends goes like this: “Babe, he never wanted you back. He just knew that you’d always be there for him financially to take care of his baby-mama and his little brat (I know babies are innocent but this doesn’t mean I’m not hurt still)”. Now it all falls into place. He’s at her two-room at every given chance and he makes sure that he throws her in my face at every conversation we have.
So the crux and outcome of this whole thing? I’m 21 weeks pregnant; my baby doesn’t have a father and at work, I have a make-believe guy that is ‘so good to me and so excited to have my baby’. The truth is, if anyone at work finds out that my ex, who became my man again briefly who is now my ex again, is my baby-daddy, I will put to shame and sentenced as Diablo The Devil sentences the dead that have gone to him after death. My family is very disappointed that I, the last child, had to go back to him. There is nothing I can do now and I do not regret my son-to-be at all. I do regret though how he was conceived and who he was conceived with.
That is why I am ashamed of my baby-daddy.
