Hi, I don’t really know where to start. Well, I am 19 and I have recently gone through a very tough time. I didn’t want to face it and I think that I might still be in denial in a way. I need to share my story and hopefully get some support. I chose StandUpGirl after browsing many sites because I read some genuinely touching stories and the support that they got via feedback really gave me a push to do this, although I’m very scared. Please don’t judge me. I really am struggling as is.
So, after I completed high school last year, I had to move from my hometown, leave my life, family, and friends behind, to go live with my dad (15 hours away). I was very unhappy and became very lonely. I met a guy at work and fell for him really fast and really hard. He seemed perfect at that time because he was hard-working, committed, independent, outgoing, and driven. So after a while, we started dating. However, my dad was not 100% happy about it.
As our relationship progressed, he started changing. He became possessive, aggressive, obsessive, and very short-tempered. I saw his knives and guns lying around, etc. He forbade me from speaking to my family or friends and went out of his mind if another guy just looked in my direction. (He would break glasses and start fights when this happened). When I said no when he wanted to be intimate, things would get intense, so I just went with it. I became very cautious of him and very uncomfortable and scared. To avoid unnecessary fights, I didn’t say anything. Then he started breaking me down emotionally. He told me things like: I am not a loss to him, no one could ever love someone like me, I am the most selfish person, I am not good enough to achieve my goals or dreams, etc., etc… He did this on a daily basis. Eventually, I started believing him. My self-confidence and self-esteem levels were below 0. He became even worse after I mentioned that I could not take it anymore and I wanted to break up. He threatened to physically hurt my family if I didn’t stay with him and if I said something, he’d make sure that no one believed me. I felt tired, ill (flu-ish) almost constantly, I had extreme back pain and I was very lightheaded and couldn’t focus very well. I figured it was due to the stress.
I became desperate to get away. I fought hard to find reasons to present to my dad so that he would allow me to move back to my hometown. So, eventually, I succeeded. He allowed me to go back home. I just went. When I got there, my circumstances became much better and I felt like my life was back on track again. Yet, I kept feeling ill… I realized eventually that I was 2 weeks late. So I went for a blood test. On the 11th of July, I got the news that I was pregnant. I was blank. I knew that I was against abortion all my life, and I have always been obsessed with babies and having my own family. But I knew that I did not want my ex to be any part of my life. I knew that my parents would lose it if I told them. I knew that I could not provide for a baby on my own. I knew I would have wanted the best for my child if I had kept it.
On the 15th of July, I went to the hospital in the early morning. My older sister came with me. We went in to see a nurse who sent me to radiology to get a scan… I was already 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. There was no heartbeat yet. But I lost it right there, I just wanted it over. I had an abortion. I still feel in a sense as though nothing happened. That it was all just a dream. I hate myself for getting into the situation in the first place, but I knew that I made the right decision for myself and my baby. DO NOT mistake me saying that as saying that it’s right or okay to have an abortion. Cause I still hate myself and blame myself. I never thought that it would happen to me. I don’t know how to deal with it all. I don’t know anything anymore.
I eventually told my ex about it, stupidly hoping he would support or comfort me in some way, instead he started calling me a murderer and a sick person and I deserve to die and never to be fertile again. He carried on like this. He drunk dialed me, yelling at me, asking me where his child is and to give his effing child to him. He set me pictures of babies and quotes about abortion and links to sited saying what terrible people we are. I apologized to him for doing what I did, every day… He didn’t stop. I had enough. I couldn’t take anymore, I felt horrible enough as is. So I got a new phone and number.
So, I’m sitting here, not knowing where to go from here, not knowing how to feel or how to deal with the fact that I chose to murder my own baby. I feel like I am going to be punished for this, for the rest of my life.
Dear me,
How could this happen!? He’s been diagnosed with Chlamydia and now you might have it as well?
How could that have even happened? It must have happened with one of the other two, but was it from the one in November?
Or your ex from December to April?
That would explain why your body has been behaving strangely, though has it already changed from chlamydia to pelvic inflammatory disease?
Are you now infertile? What can I do now? Please God don’t make me infertile. I know I’m young to be asking for this, but I want children in the future.
Please don’t take that from me…
Well, the best bet now is to see the doctor tomorrow with a friend.
Let’s hope my abdomen stops aching and I finally find out what is going on with me.
This is what happens when things go too well… Or is it karma for when I was younger?
Dear me,
I know in my gut that I’m not pregnant, but at this point, that would be so much better than what has been happening now.
It’d be so much better, though I wouldn’t be ready now I would be by the time it was here.
Am I selfish to think this?
Oh well, one day at a time, and hopefully things will get better.
My name is [redacted], and I’m 19 years old. A few years ago, I went through an incredibly rough time, struggling with depression and a lot of fighting in my family. The result was that I fell behind a year in school. I took a turn for the better and got my life on track. I’m proud to say – even though it took some extra time – that I graduated in June of this year. I got accepted to university and my program starts in September. This is the first time in my life I feel as if the people around me really feel proud of who I’ve become.
Today, though, I found out I’m pregnant. I am blessed to have the most supportive man in the world as my boyfriend, so he is behind me 100%. He and I both feel as if this baby is ours. We didn’t for a second even consider abortion. I truly am grateful I didn’t have to struggle through that. The things that have me worried are the judgment of the people in our lives, and what this means for my future plans.
Can I even go through university trying to raise a child? I feel like it’s not possible, especially for me. I can’t handle a crazy amount of stress. If I tried to juggle the family alongside school I might go insane. I am perfectly fine with postponing my education or even sacrificing it for the sake of this little one. But if I did, what could I do to support my baby while my boyfriend is in school for 4 years? I know I couldn’t ask him to give up his university plans. It’s not cheap supporting a child, I know that.
Do any girls out there have stories and advice on what you did to manage finances when your baby came into the world? I’m a little more than scared. Excited and already in love with this miracle, but never more terrified. I only want the best for my baby.
Dear me,
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no purpose, no reason for living. I’m 17, almost 18, and I’m even more lost than I was when I was in grade 6, even more lost than when I was assaulted. Even more lost than I was the second time I was assaulted… Even more lost than when I ran away for the tenth time, even more hopeless than I was when I woke up from taking 67 pills of ibuprofen.
Why am I here?? I have no reason! I’m seen as selfish, and spoiled, and when I was growing up the only way my mom knew to try to keep me “under control” was by spoiling me. I got an iPod. I got dance lessons, but this all happened after I was torn into pieces, after my sense of dignity and strength was ripped from me! So yeah I cut myself. Yeah, I spread lies because I didn’t understand what I was saying! I didn’t want attention! I wanted someone to reach out and tell me I wasn’t alone! I wanted someone to help me, to tell me it’s OK, that none of what happened was my fault!
So I started dating, trying to find any place to belong. That’s not how it started, of course. At first, I just wanted others to feel my pain, so that they understood what I was going through. I fell in love with falling in love and once that feeling was gone, so was I.
Then in grade 10, I almost had sex with someone just to feel. I knew it was wrong so I stopped myself, though withy my next boyfriend I couldn’t. I got drunk for the first time. I lost control, and I lost myself even more. So I kept it up. I kept having sex. I became two different people, one was the “normal TJ” I had become. The other me was the one behind the door, the one that could keep going, the inner redhead, I call her.
She’d only come out when the door was closed. When I felt empty, she came out. And with my two boyfriends (the one I lost it to and the one after him), I felt empty a lot. So she came out, a lot.
I had a miscarriage in February and I didn’t tell anyone until now. It still hurts though… Talking to people about it doesn’t help and I’ve been a subject of judgement my entire life…
Here I am now… I might be pregnant, I’m in China, I don’t have a decent job. I’m struggling to finish high school. I’m hoping to go to university, but in reality, if I’m not pregnant, if I don’t have a reason to live. What’s the point?
They can see me as selfish all they want, but I’m lost, hopeless, and I feel alone…
Dear future me,
Tell me, did it get easier? Did I have my baby? Was I even pregnant? Or did I finally break after having one straw too many?
Did I give up?
Dear me,
I hope I had my baby… I hope I made a better future for myself and for my baby… I hope my baby makes me a better person.
Talk to you later me,
Show me a picture from the future, show it to me in my dreams.
Everyone knows that an unexpected teen pregnancy is a scary ordeal, be it you’re keeping the baby, aborting, or adoption. My story is no different, because a scare is just as scary…
You have all your plans flash before your eyes, everyone telling you their input when all you want to do is wake up and figure out that it was all a scary dream… but what happens when it turns out it isn’t a scary dream?
My story is like a lot of others, but different. I dated this one guy and we were together for 10 months (Longest relationship I’ve ever had) And when I came back from china last year in July I went to his friends party (it was small no more than 7 people) and I ended up getting drunk due to jet lag ( I normally know my limit and when to stop) needless to say I lost it that night… That I started the pill in August and I stopped it in October when we broke up, also in October I had a pap smear and I got tested for stds just in case.
Everything was healthy and fine so I wasn’t worried. After we broke up I wanted to get over him as soon as I could and so I had 3 FWB one always used protection, one I never realized didn’t (though he would always pull out) and the last one after a week we started dating and I cut things off with the other two. This was in December. I also re-took up smoking in October and I’d have the occasional drink.
After December my then bf stopped using condoms and I became pregnant I didn’t notice though because my doctor said that my periods wouldn’t be regular after stopping the pill, so I kept smoking. I miscarried that February and two months later he and I broke up…
I decided in April that I wanted to come back to China and then in May I grew closer with my most recent ex’s family… I started staying over at his sisters or his younger brothers (they didn’t live with their mom) I was still smoking and occasionally having a drink and my periods were fairly regular, I knew to expect them around the beginning of every month, and that was generally a few days after I ovulated which varied from cycle to cycle.
During the month of June my recent ex’s brother and I had grown so close (they are half brothers just going t o put that out there and I’ve known him for longer than I’ve known his brother) that we decided to start dating, despite the fact that I was going to China.
Now my periods are normally heavy with major cramps due to ovarian cysts every period (it runs in my moms side of the family) and they last 7 days. After my miscarriage my periods returned to normal, I got them like that up until June… which I found odd. My period in June was 5 days, and medium to light, more brown discharge than an actual period, I didn’t think anything of it though.
The first week of June I had my graduation and he and I got drunk and had sex for the first time together, after that we consummated 12 more times (I figured it out earlier this month) and all unprotected…
The week before I left for China I had bleeding that started on the 18th and that went until the 25th (it ended that morning) it was a mix of spotting and watery blood, mostly spotting that would happen every 5 hours or so, so I hardly noticed it, it was watery blood on the 21st-23rd and it pretty much stopped. Then on the 25th in the morning I wiped and it was like normal implantation bleeding and I haven’t had any bleeding since…
This month I missed my period I’ve been having more headaches, food aversions and cravings, lower backaches, cramping, bloating, sore heavy tingly and sensitive breasts, I’ve been far more moody than I should be, I’ve been gassy, and I’ve been needing more water than I’m used to…
First off I’ve been in China for 4 weeks now, the temperature is warmer than what I’m used to, I’m over my jet lag, and I’ve told my father that I might be pregnant…
With the food thing I used to try to avoid spice but now I feel the need to add spice to all of my meals, I all but vomit when I eat oatmeal (I used to eat it no problem) I used to always fry my food because it was really simple and I liked it, not I can’t stand it. I always want fruit (the more the better) I don’t really like sour and I used to eat lemons like oranges. I don’t really like bacon, but now I can’t get enough of it!
I took 5 tests and they all came back negative, the last one I took was on the 18th of June, I also have hormonal problems, and I’ve been having ovarian cysts since I was about 13-14 years old with every period, so if I have a cyst now this is the first time without my period…
I calculated on a few different websites when I should be able to test and some told me I tested too early whereas other tell me I should be able to test and get an accurate result…
After reading my story it’s not like the average teen pregnancy, and nothing about it had been normal, and Distance is no help.
OK, this is not right. Whenever I write something, it tells me it could not be submitted. Does anyone know the reason behind this?
