I don’t know what to do anymore I have no purpose no reason for living, I’m 17 almost 18 and I’m even more lost than I was when I was in grade 6, even more lost than when I was assaulted. Even more lost that I was the second time I was assaulted… Even more lost than when I ran away for the tenth time, even more hopeless than I was when I woke up from taking 67 pills of ibuprofen.
Why am I here?? I have no reason! I’m seen as selfish, and spoiled, and when I was growing up the only way my mom knew to try to keep me “under control” was by spoiling me. I got an iPod, I got dance lessons, but this all happened after I was torn into pieces, after my sense of dignity and strength was ripped from me! So yeah I cut myself, yeah I spread lies because I didn’t understand what I was saying! I didn’t want attention! I wanted someone to reach out and tell me I wasn’t alone! I wanted someone to help me, to tell me it’s OK that none of what happened was my fault!
So I started dating, trying to find any place to belong. That’s not how it started of course, at first I just wanted others to feel my pain, so that they understood what I was going through. I fell in love with falling in love and once that feeling was gone so was I.
Then bring on grade 10 I almost had sex with someone just to feel, I knew it was wrong so I stopped myself, though my next boyfriend I couldn’t, I got drunk for the first time I lost control, and I lost myself even more. So I kept it up I kept having sex I became two different people, one was the “normal TJ” I had become, the other me was the one behind the door, the one that could keep going, the inner red head I call her.
She’d only come out when the door was closed, when I felt empty, and with my two boyfriends (the one I lost it to and the one after him) I felt empty a lot, so she came out, a lot.
I had a miscarriage in February and I didn’t tell anyone until now, it still hurts though… Talking to people about it doesn’t help and I’ve been a subject of judgement my entire life…
Here I am now… I might be pregnant, I’m in China, I don’t have a decent job, I’m struggling to finish high school, I’m hoping to go to university, but in reality if I’m not pregnant, if I don’t have a reason to live, what’s the point?
They can see me as selfish all they want, but I’m lost, hopeless, and I feel alone…
Dear future me,
Tell me, did it get easier? Did I have my baby? Was I even pregnant? Or did I finally break after having one straw too many?
Did I give up?
I hope I had my baby… I hope I made a better future for myself and for my baby… I hope my baby makes me a better person.
Talk to you later me,
Show me a picture from the future, show it to me in my dreams.