I am going to be open, no matter how many tears I shed. This is still very painful for me. The guy who broke my heart the whole story begins in December 2013 when I was transferred to New Orleans. I met a man named Nate. I was 19 years old and Nate’s roommate was my sponsor. I showed up right before Holiday Routine started (time off for Christmas) and my sponsor went home on leave. Nate took me under his wing and became my mentor. He was in my duty section so whenever he had the overnight, he would teach me things. The different tools, the parts of the engine, general aircraft stuff, etc.
We had duty Christmas Eve and since I had no plans and didn’t really have any friends yet, Nate gave me directions to his house and his number and said that I was welcome to join him if I got bored.
I spent Christmas morning on the phone with my family opening presents on the phone and then went to bed and cried myself to sleep because it was the first time I was really far away from my family and I missed them. Must have been because I was working the year before that I didn’t really have time to miss them. Anyway, I ended up sleeping until early evening. I decided to take Nate up on his offer and gave him a call. I got myself dressed and went over to his house.
He was so nice to me. We just hung out and talked for hours. Next thing I know, he’s offering me a back massage. After a few awkward minutes, I felt him kiss my neck. We ended up making out for awhile and then I finally decided it was time to go home. Our secret relationship started then. Because he was my mentor and the person I worked with constantly, it was a HUGE no-no that we were dating. Well, dating isn’t the right word since we couldn’t really go out on dates. We were seeing each other.
Over the next several months, it got more and more serious. I was spending a lot of time at his house and even spending the night on weekends. Both of his roommates worked with us and knew we were seeing each other and didn’t say anything to anyone. Eventually we decided that we were together and he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet but he is 12 years older than me.
I ended up spending all my free time at his house. I barely saw the few friends that I did have. Instead of encouraging me to spend time with them when he had to work and I didn’t, he made me feel horrible about not being home when he called (cell service sucked where I lived).
6 months have gone by and it was almost his birthday. He was going out with some friends to this club and was going to be out until after the sun came up. I was a little disappointed that he didn’t want to see me on his birthday but I wanted him to have fun. I asked him if he needed a ride and he said that he’d take a cab so he wouldn’t have to wake me. On the night of his birthday, I was at home alone and a few of the guys from work asked if I wanted to go to Bourbon Street with them. Since I had nothing to do and no reason to wait around by the phone, I said sure. I figured I would be home in a few hours and that way if Nate did need a ride then I could get him.
I left my cell in my car because the jeans I wore didn’t have any pockets. When I started to head home around 3 or 4 am, I had several missed calls and some messages…all from Nate. The first couple of messages were along the lines of “You must be sleeping. You’re so cute when you’re sleeping.” to “Where the f**k are you? Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
I called him back and he ignored my calls. I left him a message telling him that I was on my way home and that I figured he would have been out for a few more hours and that I could come over if he wanted. He finally called me when I was halfway to his house and he was angry. He told me to go home. I think I had just about pulled into my parking spot when he called me back and said that I could come over if I wanted. Since I was so completely blinded by the rose colored glasses I was wearing I drove to his house…30 minutes away.
We had a huge argument when I got there but he ended up cooling off and we ended up having birthday/make up sex. The next 6 weeks were crazy. Work had me super stressed out, I was constantly doing things and just so hectic that I hadn’t realized that “Aunt Flow” hadn’t been to visit in a long time. I had taken a pregnancy test when I thought I had missed my period but it came back negative. I tested too early. Several weeks later, I figured that the stress was just so high that I missed my period (which happened at boot camp). I ended up getting a 2-pack pregnancy test. I went back home and took a nap. Figuring I had nothing to worry about, I just waited.
I woke up and took the first test. Since my roommate wasn’t home, I left it on the counter and went outside to smoke. After more than 5 minutes, I went back inside and found a positive pregnancy test. I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me so I did exactly what the instructions tell you not to do…I chugged a ton of water in order to make myself have to go again and took the second test. I went back outside and chain smoked like 5 cigarettes while waiting those incredibly long 5 minutes. When I saw another positive test, I ran next door and asked my friend to come take a look at something. “I think I’m loosing my mind, Jess*.” I pointed her towards the bathroom were the test was visible and she came back and told me I wasn’t loosing my mind.
I freaked out. I wigged out. I bawled my eyes out. The first thought that came to my mind was that I couldn’t keep it. I was barely 20 years old. I didn’t have a handle on my life…how could I bring in a baby into my world being ciaos? I fought an battle in my head: Tell Nate/Don’t tell Nate. I told him. He was surprisingly calm. It made me feel better briefly. Within a matter of 24 hours, he filled my head with all these horrible things that could happen if I kept the baby and pretty much told me that the only option was to get an abortion.
I always thought that abortion was irresponsible. I thought that if you’re adult enough to have sex then you’re adult enough to deal with the consequences if you do not use protection. I always told myself that if I made the wrong choice and ended up getting pregnant then I would deal with it because I could have prevented it. However, that being said, I am pro choice. I know with what I just said, that doesn’t make sense but this is the other half of my view.
After I grasped the concept that I was pregnant and there was a baby starting to form inside me, I was having a change of heart. I really didn’t want to go through with the abortion but I was convinced that I had no choice. Nate said that he would pay for everything so he went with me to the first appointment I had at a clinic (on a side note, this act never made it into my military medical record). I was fighting back tears the entire time. He said that if they see me upset or crying then they won’t do it. I thought about just crying but ended up holding it in.
They did an ultrasound, which I wasn’t allowed to see, and printed out a picture for my file. They told me I was about 7 weeks along. They scheduled me to come back the following week and start the process. I went to work and said that I needed to have the majority of the following week off due to personal reasons and when asked why I said that I was not comfortable talking about it. I got the time off and went in the next week. I had to take a pill orally and then within 24 hours I had to insert 3 pills. The doctor said that if I don’t normally cramp then I might have some slight discomfort. Boy that was an understatement!
When I inserted the pills the next day, I was doubled over in horrible pain in the 2 seconds it took me to get the 5 feet from the bathroom to the couch. It was the most horrible pain I have ever experienced in my entire life. There was not a single position I could sit or lay in that eased the pain at all. I cried all night. I finally managed to fall asleep for an hour or so and did not fall asleep on a towel and ended up bleeding everywhere. It was like a living, breathing nightmare. Even experiencing it, I still can’t imagine the pain I was in. I suppose that is a good thing.
I was pretty much confined to Nate’s house for 5 days. By the time the weekend came, the cramps were almost completely gone and it was almost like a very heavy period. I needed to get out of the house and do something small like go for a walk or something just to get my energy back up before I started work again. I wanted to go for a walk by the lake and Nate got angry. He said that unless I planned on getting up before 7am and walking before the sun really came up, then I would have to go alone because it would get too hot…it was the end of August. I started to cry. I told him after what I had just went through for him, I expected him to help me through this. Needless to say, I didn’t get my walk by the lake and managed to get my energy back on my own.
August 24th, 2004 is the date that I lost my baby because I allowed a man to prey on my youth and innocence. I had a dream a few days after. I was in a cemetery and I was holding my little girl’s hand over a headstone. She was beautiful. She had brownish red hair in soft bouncy curls that felt so real. She had bright green eyes that could light up any room. She had rosy cheeks and ruby red lips. She smelled like baby powder and her skin was just so soft. I touched her hair to my face and held onto her hand. I told her that it was time for her to go to sleep. I felt her kiss my cheek and I laid her down in the casket beneath the headstone that read “Adriene”. I looked at her and said “Mommy will always love you and I will miss you always. Please be a brave girl for Mommy and close your eyes. Goodnight my little girl. I love you!” Then I woke up.
Our relationship changed drastically. I wanted to cry all the time and most of all when I saw Nate. It was a constant reminder of what I had lost because of him. About 3 months later, he came to visit me while I was at tech school. I rented a cabin for us on base by the water and one night, close to Thanksgiving or just after, we were wrestling around the living room and he pinned me down. He put his knees on my arms so I couldn’t move my hands. He covered my mouth with his hand and then used his finger and thumb to cut off my oxygen completely. I tried to laugh through it but when I needed to take a breath and he wouldn’t let go, I couldn’t scream or remove his hand and I started to freak out. He finally let me go and I choked in air. Want to know his response to how I reacted? “If you trusted me, you wouldn’t have run out of air so fast. You have trust issues.” Ya think? He cut off my oxygen supply yet I have trust issues…
The next month he broke up with me. I begged him not to and then I got angry and I threw it in his face that after what he made me do that summer, he was going to break up with me? What else could he do to me? He had already ripped my heart of out my chest and shattered it into a million pieces. This was just the icing on the cake.
I returned 4 months later and had to work with him every day. It was hard to ignore what he had put me through. The next summer, I had started dating my husband. I was at work one afternoon and needed help with something I had never done before. I had moved on to a point and was able to work with Nate again. I asked for his help and he said his piece and when I told him I was so confused because that was the 3rd person I had asked for help and had gotten 3 different answers. He got mad at me and started to yell. Not realizing that everyone in the vicinity was watching us, I looked at him and in a stern voice I told him ” I have done NOTHING to piss you off and you will not talk to me that way. Take a break. Go outside and smoke a couple of cigarettes and when you’ve calmed down, then come back and talk to me.” The look on the faces of everyone around me was a mix of I can’t believe she just said that to him and I can’t believe he is listening to her and just walked away! They had no idea of the power I had over him.
When he did calm down, he came back and apologized to me. I never saw his next comment coming. He looked at me and told me that he wished we hadn’t gone through with what we did the summer before. I looked up at him with a blank stare. I had a mixture of all sorts of emotions just come to the surface. I was just starting to heal from the horrible experience that he forced me into and was finally starting to allow myself to be happy again and he says what?! I wanted to cry, punch, hug, kick, and kiss him all at the same time. Then it was my turn to walk away.
This has been incredibly hard for me to write about. I do feel a little better. I think this is the first time I have actually gotten everything written down. Here I am, over 6 years later, still haunted by what he did to me. He took advantage of me. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the urge to spit in his face or kick him between the legs should I ever see him again. I see my little girl’s face and her eyes every time I blink. I know that I was only 8 weeks and 2 days along and there is no way of knowing the sex but I know in my heart that my little girl should be turning 6 this March. She should be in kindergarten this year. I wonder every day what my life would have been like if I would have lied to Nate and told him that the baby was not his and just raised her as a single mother.
My name is Brittany and I am 21 years old. I am a sufferer of Polycistic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and edometrious. I got told when i was 18 that i would never be able to conceive a child naturally. I have just found out that i am 9 weeks pregnant, I went to my first scan at 7 weeks and saw the babies little heart beat was a very exciting time for me to see the baby that i never thought i could have.
Lately I have been having some mixed feelings, The father of the baby wants nothing to do with it and says i am making a big mistake and should get rid of it because he doesn’t want to give up the life he has now and take responsibility of a child. This could be a one of chance of ever conceiving a child and He wants me to get rid of it. I have seriously been considering not going through with the pregnancy just from what he is saying, i feel so alone and dont know what to do.
I have seen my babies heart beat every day. He/she is growing inside of me….
Hi Brittany,
Thanks for emailing. It’s good to talk with you.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I’m sorry that your boyfriend is doing this to you. I agree with you that every life is precious and a once in a lifetime shot. When making the decision about whether to choose parenting your child or abortion, I would encourage you to do what you want to do instead of listening to other people. No matter what you decide and no matter who influences you, you are the one who has to live with the consequences. Your boyfriend will not have to live with it. It’s easy for him to tell you what he things you should do, but you are the mother and you are the one with the closest connection with your child. I think that you already know that you want to parent your child. Don’t let anyone talk you out of that decision.
Here is a great website that you can go to so you can see exactly where your child is in development: http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=210. Needless, to say, if your child has a heartbeat and you can hear his or her heartbeat through ultrasound, you can be sure that he or she is alive and a human being. If you were to choose abortion, the worst thing in the world is knowing that you took the life of another human being – not just any human being, but your very own child.
No matter what your boyfriend may be saying to you, don’t believe it. Don’t buy into it. It’s true that you may not be able to give you child all the best in life, but what parent can? I know I was not given all the best in life and I still made it anyway. Your child is no different. All he or she needs is your love and your support, and you are capable to doing that. I think that you have what it takes. I think that you can do this! You can be an excellent mother! Just give your baby a chance to live. You don’t know what you are capable of until you try.
Let me know how things turn out.
Much love,
April
Hey Becky,
i emailed you around 7 weeks ago when i had first found out i was pregnant and the father didnt want anything too do with it and i felt confused and alone and not sure weather too go through with the pregnancy,
I listened too my heart and i am now 13.5 weeks pregnant and couldnt be more excited :). the father still wants nothing too do with the baby and that does upset me alot as my abby wont have a father and i have also lost my best friend, but when i saw my babies heart beating on the scan and saw its little body i knew i made the right decision by keeping the baby,
I want too thank you for this website as it has helped me a lot and when i feel down in the dumps i come on here and read peoples stories and it always makes me feel better, just cant wait too meet my little one.
Thank you,
Brittany
I’m relieved the charges have been dropped with my baby dad is a druggie. He has a new place just down the street. We are getting ready for the baby! We still don’t know the sex of the baby yet, Its gonna be a surprise :). Tuesday was Brandon and I first prenatal class together and even though June 9th he promised me he would quit smoking weed, He came over baked as hell. I’m pretty upset that he hasn’t quit yet, he’s going to be a dad in a month and I’m not sure if he gets my point, I don’t want my baby being around someone under the influence like I was when I was just a baby. If he doesn’t quit now I don’t see him quitting when the baby comes, which I’m really worried about. Thing’s have been going really good lately next to the drugs. But when is he going to see that he’s going to be a father when the day comes? is it going to be to late to quit , since pot releases stress, I’m hoping he doesn’t flake out on me when he gets frustrated. I’m seeing it as if he doesn’t quit now and get it out of his system so he doesn’t crave it before the baby comes, He won’t seem so depended on weed to calm him down. I want the baby and I to be the one he run’s to when he’s down or frustrated..
Growing up my mother was my rock. i had an alcoholic dad, but my mom, i hadn’t ever seen drunk in my life. She was the strongest christian i had ever met and she put her family before all else. My dad was a very bad alcoholic and through all the scary things he did and put us through, she somehow managed to stay by him and try to help him through it.
When i was fourteen, my mom passed away. she died in a lawn mowing accident in our back yard. we live on a river, and as she was mowing the edge, the blade got stuck on cattails, tipped the mower and she was trapped.
My dad then sent me to a christian boarding school just two months after my mom died. It was really hard for me. i wanted nothing more that to be around family and friends close to me during that time, but instead i was moving into a dorm, where i hardly knew anybody. that year, my freshman year, my grades dropped, i gained weight and i just wasn’t myself. i missed my friends at home. I had so many friends at home and they all knew what i was dealing with and i wanted to be close to them. earlier that year, shortly after my mom died, i started dating my now husband, which was another reason i just wanted to be home. i got to go home quite frequently but it still wasn’t enough.
That summer, i finally convinced my dad to let me come home. my siblings told me that if his alcoholism got out of hand i might have to return to the boarding school, so because of this, i ignored it. My dad wouldn’t drink, i would pretend like it wasn’t happening. I would just go on with my regular life and try not to let it bother me. on Halloween my sophomore year my dad got so drunk our neighbor had to come help him. our neighbor got ahold of my brother and grandfather, and after that my dad was sent to treatment and i had to live with my brother.
my dad returned around Christmas time and we tried so hard to get things back to normal, but they weren’t. he was so on edge and angry.
In march i got pregnant. my boyfriend and i were using protection, but it broke and i got pregnant. i knew that night i was pregnant and so did my boyfriend, but i tried to ignore it. two months went by and i still hadn’t gotten my period. i was so scared. my boyfriend was right by my side. he was urging me to take a test and get to the doctor, so finally i got ahold of a close family friend for help. she bought me a pregnancy test and it was positive. at this point, i saw my deathbed before me i thought. i told my boyfriend and all he wanted to do was hug and love me, but i was just so unbelievably distant. i couldn’t talk or do anything. I then got to the doctor, found out my due date and heard the heartbeat. we weren’t ready to tell anybody so we payed for the appointment so they wouldn’t send a bill out.
i knew my dad was going to shun me, and i was afraid he was going to send me away. a few weeks later we went to the doctor and fout out we were having a little girl. we knew we HAD to tell our parents, that this really wasn’t going away. we told his parents first. they were mad but they supported and loved us. We then told my family. my sister threw a lot of things in my face about how big of a liar i am for keeping this in, and threw stuff in my face about how near impossible it was going to be for me to raise my daughter. she made me feel so bad. when we told my dad , he wouldn’t speak to me.
we went on and went to counseling and met with an adoption agency, but soon realized we couldn’t give our little girl up, she was ours. my dad gave us two options, to give the baby up or to get married, cause he was having no part in any of the financial or emotional burdens. we talked it through and knew how much we loved each other and were best friends. we decided to get married.
with nobody on our side, we pushed through with wedding, housing, and financial planning. he had a good job as a farmer, and i had good grades, so i could finish school early and start in college right away in the fall. thats what we did. we then bought a house and started preparing.
just one month before our daughter was born we got married and moved in. now, seven months later, we’ve beaten the odds. my siblings have come around but my dad is still on edge. we seldomly speak, and he has only seen his granddaughter a handful of times. my husbands family is awesome, they are there for us through thick and thin.
we’ve been through and conquered a lot. and we couldn’t have done it without prayer, love for each other, love for our daughter, and love for our god.
Dear Anna,
I am in tears. Your story is so sad and yet so beautiful. You have had really difficult times in your life. Losing your mom, your rock and protector must have been so incredibly devastating. Then to lose your friends and family all in one fell swoop by being sent to a boarding school…wow. Maybe your dad did that to protect you from himself, but still it would have been so hard. Your courage and strength are just amazing. God truly sustained you through all of it. Your mom’s faith continues on through you, and now you can pass that on to your little girl! You have so much going for you…keep on keeping on! People told my boyfriend (now husband) that we wouldn’t be able to do it. We were too young…not financially stable, etc. But you know what? We ARE doing it! And so are you guys! It IS possible. Keep praying…keep loving…and you will have a life that is richly blessed. You will have your ups and downs…but everyone does…even those who get married and have a baby when all their “ducks are in a row”. Our lives will never be without suffering, but that suffering can cause us to grow become stronger! I am so inspired by you! Thank you for sharing your story.
Luv,
Becky
I know that my story about pregnancy is different from many that you will see here, but I hope that it can help. I too want to share my story so that you ladies out there know you aren’t alone. My husband and I had tried for several years to get pregnant, going through the beginnings of fertility treatments. We so much wanted a child. We both cried when we found out that I was pregnant. We were all set to welcome our little girl Nadia Joy into our family this coming August, but the Lord had a different plan for us. This is our story…
This, like many pregnancies, came with its own set of trials. Early on, I had been spotting and we thought we might lose our baby then. With lots of prayer we got our miracle, and by 20 weeks our precious little girl was perfect and perfectly healthy. We were looking forward to another 20 weeks of a healthy pregnancy. I had to have another ultrasound at 24 weeks because she wouldn’t show her face, and the dr. needed to see it to know if she had any special needs that might come up at birth. So, all was normal and fine until then.
At the 24 week, her heartbeat had slowed dangerously low. It hovered between 60 and 70 beats per minute, when it should have been twice that. It also stopped at one point during the ultrasound. There were many things that could be wrong, but we needed to do some blood work and see a specialist in the morning. I went home with the knowledge that our best bet was to make it another week at least until she was just old enough to live outside the womb. She needed to make it to 25 weeks to even have a chance of living. There was a lot of prayer for healing, and preparing for the worst.
When we got to the specialist on the morning of April 24th, they started another ultrasound. Having had five, I’d gotten pretty good at knowing what to look for. There was no heartbeat. The tech was silent, and I did have to ask to make sure, but our sweet little girl was gone. We both had a chance to cry and absorb the initial shock. My husband’s parents had come, as had my mom, who had been with me the previous day.
They came back and we all sat and cried while we waited for the doctor to come in. We talked about our options, and I decided to be induced right away, instead of waiting another few hours. I went to the hospital and they started the induction at 11:45 am. They had no idea how long it would take before she was born, but it could be later that night, or as late as Sunday. Only time would tell. We were gearing up for a long, grief filled process.
At 1:12 am, April 25, our precious Nadia Joy was born. She had already been home with the Lord for probably a day. She was perfectly formed. She even had lines in her footprints already! She had blonde hair that you couldn’t really see much of, but it was there. She even had eyelashes! She was 1 lb, 4 oz, and 12.5 inches long. We had family and close friends there with us to meet Nadia and hold her. We were very fortunate to get to hold her and see her so perfect.
Ok, so those are the facts.
The rest of the story is the spiritual one. We are so blessed. We had so many people praying for us and with us. As hard as this is, God has given both my husband and I so much peace. For me personally, this whole thing has been such a blessing. I got pregnant when the doctors thought I couldn’t. We had a pregnancy that lasted longer than we thought it was going to at first. I got the experience of feeling my baby move and react to sounds, I’ve now been through labor, though I’m sure it will be different next time around, and I got to hold my little girl. Justin got to see her grow in me, he got to feel her kick, and he got to hold his daughter.
Both Justin and I are definitely grieving, and there are times that will be harder than others, but we both have peace that only God can give. We have complete confidence and trust in what He does, regardless of our understanding or lack thereof.
One thing I realized this morning after coming home without our girl was something about how God must feel about His children. I was crying, and telling my husband that I just didn’t understand how I could love someone so much in so short a time, and know so much about them without them knowing me. I realized that God feels that way about us. He makes us His perfect creation, designed to love Him and have a relationship with Him. He waits expectantly for us to know Him, to be born again, and for us to spend our whole lives learning about Him and who He is as our Father. When we refuse to have that relationship with Him, it’s like the stillborn child. Perfect in every way, created to love and be loved, and to spend a lifetime getting to know the ones who bore us. They just never make it that far. They are still loved, still wanted, and there are still hopes and dreams that we have for our children, and that God has for us, that will never have the chance to be fulfilled.
I am so grateful to have such a wonderful family and such wonderful friends who have stood with us through this, that they were there with us to hold her and mourn with us. I am also so thankful that they understand that this is the loss of a child, not a pregnancy. She has a name, a birth date, she is an individual. She is still one of the grandchildren, the others will just never have the opportunity to play with her. She will always be our firstborn, and she will always have a place in the family. I am so blessed that God used me to carry His little girl. That though I may not have had her for long, He let us share in a life that was too special for this realm. I’m so thankful that my girl didn’t have pain. I know I will see her when I go Home, and until then she is well. As a friend’s
I have just turned 22 and already have a beautiful son who is almost 2. But a few weeks ago i found out that i was pregnant again. The guy im with now is not the father of my first son, but the father of the one i am carrying. He can’t be with me as we are of different backgrounds, and well he said he is not ready to be a father. He is 27 years old and is indian, i wan this baby but iam confused and don’t want to make the wrong decision. I love this guy with all my heart, but i don’t want to wreck his family who are also going through alot of things at the moment. I know he’s the one for me and well i knew we couldn’t be together the first day we met, so i don’t know if we are in a relationship or what. I’m carrying his child but he wants me to have an abortion, as he thinks i still have a little more exploring to do, as i am still young. And also says what if i meet another guy and i have 2 kids to 2 different men. I undertsand all that but i dont want to make the wrong decision……………….Confused!
