Dear Becky,
I was looking up things on teenage pregnancies and I came across this very insiteful website. I am 18 and 2-days ago I took a pregnancy test that came up positive. When I found out so many thoughts rushed through my head. The first thing I wanted to do was call my boyfriend so I did. But he didnt answer. Thinking it over the next day I was glad that he didnt because I truly was not ready to tell him. So I confided in a best friend instead. Everything seemed okay and I was just thinking about a lot but I still hadn’t told my boyfriend. I just wanted to make up my mind first to see what I was going to do before I told him.
But last night we got into an argument and I just told him that he made the decision a lot easier for me. He got really worried then and started to freak out. I ended up telling him. I always said that if I was to get pregnant I would own up to my actions and keep it but now that I’m in the situation I am extremely confused. I think of all what my family has done for me to go away to college and how disappointed and angry that they would be with me and that is whats pushing me to terminate the pregnancy.
But I also keep thinking about myself like and how I would feel if I was to actually go through with it. I guess I would just like someone who doesnt know me to give me insite because all of my friends and my boyfriend are confusing me. He doesnt know what to do but at the same time he doesnt realize that I’ve never been put into this situation so I dont know what to do either. Could you just give me a little advice please?
Ashley
Dearest Ashely – hi, my name is Lisa and I’m from the Stand Up Girl website. Can I share with you from the bottom of my heart?
You see, you and I are on a road called life. When we both came to a fork in the road, one road was called “Abortion” and the other “Life”. I chose the road of abortion and you still stand at that fork in the road. I am able to come back to you from that road and say “Please don’t take this road. Do you see that bend on the road ahead? There is nothing but sorrow, grief, pain, guilt and shame around that corner. There is a feeling of loss like no mothers heart can know and the reason that there is a bend in that road is because the ONLY way that you will ever understand it or know it is to walk it. Please … that road will be the very same for you, so please take that road of life. Tell me what it is like. I so wish I could go down that road instead. But I cannot. It’s too late for me and my babies. But it’s not for you and your’s.”
OK – now that that is said, let me go down the road of your life a little bit. Trust me when I say that the choice of abortion is truly a tragic choice. Especially as you learn about the development of babies in the womb. You will NOT be able to get out of your head “What did my baby go through? What did my baby look like? What stage was my baby at when I aborted him/her?”
There are so many times when I just wish that I could hold my little baby in my arms. Just at least once. I wish that I could feel his breath in my hair or even to change my babies diaper and see my baby giggle. To see that little gumless smile and to touch my babies face.
I will never be able to do that. I will never hear “Mommy”, I will never get to wake up in the middle of the night and go to look in at my beautiful little baby in his or her crib sleeping like an angel. I will never get to feel the movement of my baby in my womb – and ohh how I long to experience that.
All of this to say – please understand that you have that motherly instinct strong and alive in you right now. Do NOT allow yourself to be deceived into believing that you can just go on with your life as normal after abortion. The world of abortion is a world of shame and it is NOT talked about very openly. Ohhh everyone says it should be legal and it’s OK – but how many girls do you hear talking – in passing saying “Oh yea, I had an abortion a couple of days ago. It was a pretty simple procedure.”
You might hear a girl talking about getting a piercing or a tatt! But not an abortion. You know?
Why?
Because it is a painful, private and subject of shame. Especially those of us that have done it. So don’t let an argument decide the fate of your flesh and blood. Your baby is just that Ashley – this is YOUR baby. Being angry and getting into a fight … That’s going to happen a bit more now that you are pregnant. Your body is going through some changes and I would say that as your body makes these changes you become a little more sensitive and tender hearted. So don’t let have you make a decision you will regret for the rest of your life.
As for your parents – trust me when I tell you that this is their grandbaby. Yes they have done a lot for you. BUT just wait to see all they can do for a grandchild. Yes – they may get upset at first – but this baby is a part of you and they will NEVER EVER turn their backs on their first grandchild.
Right?
Please let me know how you are doing and what you decide. OK?
Luv Lisa
Today I went to the doctor to get another pregnancy test and it came back positive once again. I’ve done a lot of thinking and I have decided that this is MY BABY and I will own up to that. So I’m keeping my baby. I can’t even believe that abortion had even crossed my mind as long as it did. Thank you so much for the words of wisdom. You truly were a HUGE part of my decision. I don’t even know you but I love you so much for encouraging me and telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I hope I have a boy! =)
Love, Ashley
Having read over many of the letters written by young beautiful girls, I hope that my letter will help. When I found out I was pregnant in 1972, I was 14 years old (I am now 53), abortions were illegal in Michigan. A friend of the family took me to a place where they were being performed anyway, at that time I just wanted this to be over, to be able to go back home and continue “my life” as it had never happened. After being examined I was told to get dressed and return to the waiting room, I would soon find out I was almost 6 months pregnant.
I had always been irregular, and hadn’t even had a period for very long, so a few months without one seemed like no big deal. 6 months??? needless to say I did not have an abortion, I was terrified, I believed my family would be so ashamed, I was so ashamed, I asked spirit to help me, to guide me, to stand with me…. I attended a school for unwed mothers, continued my education, met some very beautiful other girls and had my son in 1973. With much help and support from my family, we lived a happy life. There are many emotional changes however, that I was not prepared for. He became my whole world, the pride I had for him helped mask the shame I still (unconsciously) carried for myself. I buried myself in him, and as he got older and didn’t need me as much, I was lost emotionally. The reason I want to share this is so that others may take this journey day by day, keeping their independence and teaching the same to their child. I have learned that our job as a parent is to teach our children to be a self sufficient, educated, loving, giving, growing individual. To always be there for them and yet to be ready and willing to push them out of the nest when the time is right. And to the girls who have gotten abortions, don’t continue to beat yourselves up, you did what you had to do at that time. Let that time go with love. In your heart and mind, send it off to the heavens with a loving heart and don’t look back. I would hate to see you get to be my age and still carry the guilt and pain with you, we only have one time around here and everything has a lesson in it, yours may have been forgiveness, forgiveness for yourself. Take a deep breath, hold your head high and continue to grow and learn. Help others that may be in need….Love is the common element that we all need.
Hi my name is Renee. I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant but my story has a little twist to it. My baby was going to be biracial and my family couldn’t deal with that. I’ll never forget the day that I took the test. I thought my life was over. My parents kept on saying negative things towards me like, “how could you be so irresponsible”, and how is our community going to treat us now that you are going to have a biracial baby?” All they talked about is how this was going to affect them, it was like they didn’t care about my feelings at all. It was on a Wed. that I found out that I was pregnant(however I had suspected long before that) and my mom told me that I had to make a decision of whether or not I was going to keep the baby by Friday. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Not only was I having to make this life changing decision but in 2 days no less. Right when I found out that I was pregnant there was no dobut in my mind that I was going to keep my baby but I started letting what others around me said affect my decision. I decided to go ahead and have an abortion.
My abortion took place on July 7, 2018 and both my mom and dad went with me to the clinic. The father of the child didn’t even know that I was pregnant and my mom would not let me contact him to talk to him at all. When we pulled up to the abortion clinic I started crying and I didn’t stop the whole time I was in there. I was so bad that one of the nurses had to take my into her office and pretty much convince me into going ahead with the process. You see I never really knew what took place on the day of a abortion. I went in the building(scared to death) and the first thing I had to do was go into this cold, dark room where a doctor and a nurse waited for me to do an ultra sound to see how old the baby was. After the ultra sound was complete a picture of the baby was printed out and I had to clip it on to the front of my file that they made me carry around with me the whole time I was in the office. For 2 hours I had to sit in the waiting room and stare at a picture of my 2and1/2 month old baby that I was about to kill. The reality really sank in. I looked around the room at about 30 other girls and women who were also there for the same thing and thought about how many lives were about to be taken that day, I almost got sick.
Finally it was time for my group(10 women) to go upstairs to get meds for the pain of the procedure. I was so guilt striken I didn’t even consent to having drugs at all, I wanted to feel the physical pain to suffer for what I was doing to my child. In the upstairs room a nurse came in and handed out the medication to each woman and even though I didn’t let them sedate me they still made me take a Valium to relax my muscles for the surgery. When the nurse handed out the cups of Meds she told us that once we took our medication then we had to go through with the process b/c the drugs would have an affect on our unborn children. So I sat there stareing a whole through my cup knowing that the minute I took the pill there was no turning back….and then…. I put the pill in my mouth and swallowed. It was over, at that moment I no longer had control of my childs life. I had made my choice and had to live with it.
After the abortion was over they took each of us one by one into what they called the recovery room. Of course I was the only girl concious b/c of the medication that everyone else had taken, so I sat there. I looked around the room at all of the other girls and thought,”what have we all done?” One by one every girl in the room slowly woke up and as each of them opened their eyes I noticed that they were all crying. It felt like I was in a nightmare or something, like none of this could really be happening to me and eventually I was going to wake up and everything would be back to normal…but no, this was reality.
It has been three years since I had my abortion and I still regret the decision I made. I finally got to talk to my unborn baby’s father and tell him the whole story and it left him speechless. He asked me if I had gotten a chance to talk to him before I went to the clinic would I still have had the abortion and my reply was this,”if I had just heard your voice I would have known that everything would have been okay and I wouldn’t have done it.” Of course this broke his heart.
My parents act like nothing ever happened and I don’t think that even now three years later that they do or will ever understand the emotions of anger, saddness, and guilt that I deal with everyday b/c of the decision I made. My advice is this: if you are pregnant, please worry only about yourself and how this will affect your life. Don’t let other people force or talk you into doing something that you know is not right for you. You are the one that has to live with the outcome of the situation not them. Take it from me, living the rest of your life with guilt and the wondering of what could have been is not a very happy or easy life.
Renee
Dear Renee,
You are ABSOLUTELY right. Women need to make the decision for themself. Abortion is not the “quick solution” that so many try and promote it as. Women are the ones that have to live with the guilt, the emptiness, the regret after having an abortion.
You say your parents have already moved on, but you are left to live with the pain. Hopefully, with time, they will see what they’ve done and you will be able to learn to forgive yourself. You can’t change what happened. You can’t bring your baby back, but you can learn from this and share your experience with other girls, just like you are doing now, so they don’t go have to go down the same path that you did.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
My name is Brittany and I am 21 years old. I am a sufferer of Polycistic ovary syndrome (PCOS) and edometrious. I got told when i was 18 that i would never be able to conceive a child naturally. I have just found out that i am 9 weeks pregnant, I went to my first scan at 7 weeks and saw the babies little heart beat was a very exciting time for me to see the baby that i never thought i could have.
Lately I have been having some mixed feelings, The father of the baby wants nothing to do with it and says i am making a big mistake and should get rid of it because he doesn’t want to give up the life he has now and take responsibility of a child. This could be a one of chance of ever conceiving a child and He wants me to get rid of it. I have seriously been considering not going through with the pregnancy just from what he is saying, i feel so alone and dont know what to do.
I have seen my babies heart beat every day. He/she is growing inside of me….
Hi Brittany,
Thanks for emailing. It’s good to talk with you.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation and I’m sorry that your boyfriend is doing this to you. I agree with you that every life is precious and a once in a lifetime shot. When making the decision about whether to choose parenting your child or abortion, I would encourage you to do what you want to do instead of listening to other people. No matter what you decide and no matter who influences you, you are the one who has to live with the consequences. Your boyfriend will not have to live with it. It’s easy for him to tell you what he things you should do, but you are the mother and you are the one with the closest connection with your child. I think that you already know that you want to parent your child. Don’t let anyone talk you out of that decision.
Here is a great website that you can go to so you can see exactly where your child is in development: http://www.ehd.org/movies.php?mov_id=210. Needless, to say, if your child has a heartbeat and you can hear his or her heartbeat through ultrasound, you can be sure that he or she is alive and a human being. If you were to choose abortion, the worst thing in the world is knowing that you took the life of another human being – not just any human being, but your very own child.
No matter what your boyfriend may be saying to you, don’t believe it. Don’t buy into it. It’s true that you may not be able to give you child all the best in life, but what parent can? I know I was not given all the best in life and I still made it anyway. Your child is no different. All he or she needs is your love and your support, and you are capable to doing that. I think that you have what it takes. I think that you can do this! You can be an excellent mother! Just give your baby a chance to live. You don’t know what you are capable of until you try.
Let me know how things turn out.
Much love,
April
Hey Becky,
i emailed you around 7 weeks ago when i had first found out i was pregnant and the father didnt want anything too do with it and i felt confused and alone and not sure weather too go through with the pregnancy,
I listened too my heart and i am now 13.5 weeks pregnant and couldnt be more excited :). the father still wants nothing too do with the baby and that does upset me alot as my abby wont have a father and i have also lost my best friend, but when i saw my babies heart beating on the scan and saw its little body i knew i made the right decision by keeping the baby,
I want too thank you for this website as it has helped me a lot and when i feel down in the dumps i come on here and read peoples stories and it always makes me feel better, just cant wait too meet my little one.
Thank you,
Brittany
hi. my name’s koda.
im 17 years old. i found out i was pregnant around april 2010. me and my bf have been together for 11&1/2 months now. i know this might sound kind of different, but me and my bf planned to have this baby. it started off as something great, and the thought of having this baby excited me. i thought i was ready and i thought i knew almost everything because of the experience i have with my nieces. turns out i was wrong. i don’t regret making the decision, but i know it should have been something that i could have waited on. now i feel alone and scared.
im still living with my mom, but im afraid. i’m having a son, and hes due december 5th. im not finished high school, and my boyfriend isnt either. im going on assistance, but this isnt how i saw my life. i always thought i would be married and done college before i had a baby. having a baby, having to finish high school and college and a start off a career all seems like so much. i hear about success stories all the time, and i always think i can do it, but when reality sets in, im afraid of being a failure, i want nothing but whats best for my son and i will do anything. my bf is going to be making income from his schooling, but im still worried things wont work out as planned.everyone is trying to tell me everything will be fine, i just cant seem to let my guard down and breathe easy about it.
Dear Koda, My name is Meg and I help Becky with her letters sometimes…Thank you for being honest and vulnerable. When we are young and full of hormones we tend to make our own plans and expect to be the ONE who doesn’t get backfired on…we always say, ‘It wont happen to me, I am the exception’, etc…but then we find ourselves up creek without a paddle sometimes and reflect back and go, ‘well I guess maybe my parents were right, or well I guess that wasn’t the best idea’…some of those things we can turn from and be done with and some of the decisions we make are lifelong roads to walk on….the good thing is that if you have the wisdom to see now where you were wrong then that means you are going to be a GREAT mom…it takes a person of solid character to admit when they were wrong, it takes the love and heart of a mother to want what is best for their child….You have that heart and although maybe this was not the most ideal decision you are going to make not only the best of it but you will be one of those many success stories…I know it….I want to encourage you to take the EXPERIENCE youhave and share it with others who do not. I am here for you, I would love to see a picture of your baby when your little guy is here….I am a December birthday as well….have you picked out names?….Much Love…Meg
Hello! My name is Carol Anne and I’m 24 years old. Perhaps my problem is not that important compare to other girls, but for me it is, because it’s making me very blue. 7 months ago, I was dating a guy and 3 months later, I got pregnant. Honestly, I felt deeply drowned in an ocean where I couldn’t swim, because even though I have a bachelor’s degree, I have a full time job, and I’m doing my master’s, I didn’t feel prepared and to be honest, I didn’t want to have a child without being married or at least in a stable relationship. Since the first day I knew, I decided to keep it, because, although I respect the decision of those who abort, I couldn’t do it.
Thank God the guy responded very good, in fact, he is very happy with the idea of being a father. My mother and sister accepted it very well and they’re giving me all their support. However, I feel very bad with myself. First of all, I love the father of my child, but I’m not in love with him. It’s hard, but true and unfortunately, I discovered it late. I’m sure that he’s going to be a good father, but as significant others, what we’re going to have are lots of problems. Why? We just need different things and we have different expectations from a relationship. I just want to tell him that is better for us to be the parents of the baby and nothing else, but at the same time I know he loves me and I feel that he’s going to hate me or believe that I used him. On the other hand, my belly isn’t that big, meaning that not everyone has notice my pregnancy. However, I’m afraid that when I have a noticeable bump, I’ll be rejected and that people will talk negative about me. Although I truly believe that all my dreams and goals will be true, I feel that it’s going to be hard to find a person that completes me and satisfies my needs and of course, accept the fact that I have a child. Am I exagerating or what??? Even if I do, can you help me??? THANKS!!!
December 17, 2009
Dearest Carol Anne – hi, I’m Lisa and I’m from the Stand Up Girl website.
Ohhh Carol Anne – what a beautiful and sweet heart that you have.
Can I be perfectly honest with you? You have an amazing future ahead of you. Not only are you educated in a marvelous way – you have your future fixed ahead of you. You ALSO chose to allow your baby to live. That is above everything else! You stood for the life of that precious baby in the midst of a time when life is so disregarded. Yet you … you are a Stand Up Girl Carol Anne. I’m so proud of you!
Now … can I share something with you? I’d love for you to read your letter one more time … do it now (see below).
Now – who is missing in this picture? What I mean is … who’s happiness are you forgetting? Who is the one that you are not thinking of that has to live with all of the decisions you make? YOU. You are an extremely important factor in all of this. You are so sweetly worried about your bf ‘hating’ you with a feeling that you have. You are worried about what others will think of you when your cute little belly will begin to grow.
Carol Anne. Can you do me a little favor? Look within. Please Carol Anne. You are so so important here and you are not even considering yourself.
Trust me my friend … it will NOT be impossible to find a wonderful man that will so totally fall in love with you and you with him but your beautiful baby will be the added bonus. Be so thankful that you realized now that you are not in love with this man … rather than after getting married. This may seem difficult, but you are being extremely wise by stepping up and setting him free. Allow him to have someone that is so totally devoted to him and in love with him. You deserve that … and so does he.
Now – about the others and what they think of you with your growing belly. Look down at that beautiful growing belly and touch that precious belly of yours as the only thing that separates your hand from your sweet little baby is a little skin on your tummy. Carol Anne – you just wait to see how proud you will be to show your baby off to anyone and everyone that will look.
You have taken a Stand and don’t let anyone or anything convince you that you should have any shame. You are a Stand Up Girl. You hold your head up high and know that anyone that may look at you crookedly has something deep inside of themselves that is hurting. Feel sorry for them. Not ashamed or embarassed.
E-mail me any time you want Carol Anne. I’ll always be here to route you on.
Please let me know how you are doing. OK?
Luv Lisa
January 07, 2010
Hi Lisa!
First of all, Happy Holidays! I appreciate so much your words and your advice. I feel better. I talked seriously to the father of my baby; I told him about my feelings and what I was very sure I wanted to do. As you said, he didn’t get mad at me or something similar, but understood and told me if I didn’t want us to be together, it was ok with him. Of course, I told him that he must be involved in the child’s raising, even though we weren’t together. He was fine with that too.
Honestly, I feel very relieved!!! I feel more empowered and now that I’m reading some books about single moms, I feel very positive and have tons of faith. I’m happier than ever and I can’t wait to see the baby! Of course, pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster and there are times where I feel a little blue, but general terms I feel very good. It’s a new year and I know it’s going to be very good, starting with the birth of my child.
Thank you so much for encouraging me and showing me the positive side of single motherhood. Thanks for showing me that I’m not alone and that there’s much to be proud of. Thanks for showing me that I’m a stand up girl.
Your heart is a treasure.
Thanks for everything!!
January 7, 2010
OK if there could ever be good tears – you gave ‘em to me! Oh Carol I’m so so proud of you!
Isn’t it so amazing the fears that we have when we first find out we are pregnant. We seem to be the ‘last one’ we think about. Now I see … you are thinking about you. Your future. Your precious little baby! Ohhhh no better e-mail could have come to me to start my hear off right! Thank you so much for sharing with me.
Ahhh yes – the roller coaster of emotions with pregnancy. Looking back at our correspondence – I assume you are about 5 months pregnant or so? Right? Do you have friends that can give you a fun little baby shower? Ohhhh those are so much fun!
Do you have information on how to get financial aid for yourself too? Have you contacted WIC? Or are you looking at other alternatives for assistance? Please, if I can help direct you, I’m always here for you. OK?
Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I will always be right here to encourage you and to just cheer you on!
Thank you for your sweet e-mail. I’ll pray for you too. 😉
Take care of yourself and keep in touch.
Luv Lisa
January 7, 2010
You just gave me a big smile with your reaction!!!
Yes, I’m 5 months pregnant; to be exact I’m 22 weeks and I’m going to have a girl. I’m going to name her Isabella. Yes, I have some friends that are thrilled with the idea of a baby shower, so maybe they’ll come up with something nice.
Yes, I contacted WIC and I’m receiving their support. It’s a really good help and now that I’m drinking milk (I have some delirium for a glass of milk with some drops of vanilla) and eating like crazy, even more :D. But don’t worry, I just had gained 12 pounds by now, so I’m not getting too fat, but enough :).
Thanks for your cheers and your praying. It sure has helped me A LOT!!!
Blessings!!!
July 9, 2010
I’m so sorry I didn’t write you before, but I’ve been kinda busy :). I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl. Her name is Isabella. She weighted 7 pounds and her length was 19″. She was born on May 11th, two days after my birthday. She has almost 2 months now and she’s big and heavy. I couldn’t be happier!!!! I was very scared because I had no idea of how I was going to handle a full-time job, my masters’ classes, and taking care of a baby, but now that I proved to myself that I can do it, I feel empowered; almost like Wonder Woman. Honestly, having a baby brought me tons and tons of joy into my life. It’s the best decision I ever made. I honestly thank you so much for your advice. It helped me a lot.
Blessings to you!
