Dear Becky-
I just found out that I am pregnant. I’m 19, not married, and on top of that I just got a position at school that I worked really hard for. I made a big mistake and I feel by being pregnant I’m letting the whole school down. I keep debating on keeping the baby or having an abortion. Most everyone I talk to wants me have an abortion. Please help me.
Thanks, Karen
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Hi Karen,
Thanks for writing. It’s good to talk with you. My heart goes out to you right now. Being pregnant is difficult and shocking as well. It is a lot to deal with all at once. I just want you to know that you can get through this. You will be ok no matter what happens.
The position at your school that you mentioned, will you not be able to keep it if you are pregnant? In what way would you be letting down the whole school if they know that you are pregnant? A lot of women are pregnant at 19 and yes some in your school may judge you for being pregnant, but you can’t let other people’s judgments of you dictate your life. No one wants to be a slave to what other people think of you. You need to make a decision based upon what is best for you and your child right now.
It might be the case that you would be letting people down more by getting an abortion. A lot of people are opposed to pregnancy out of marriage, but many more are opposed to killing your own child. You see, everyone in life makes mistakes in life, everyone. And you may feel that getting pregnant was a big mistake, but it matters more about what you do about the mistake rather than the mistake itself. I would like to encourage you to consider making a choice for your pregnancy not based upon people at school, but based upon your child. After all blood is thicker than water and by choosing abortion you would be letting your child down much more than you would be letting down anyone at school.
Right now your child is not a sac of cells or a blob of tissue. Here is a video you can watch so you can see what your child looks like right now: My Child Now. Abortion is not an easy thing and it does not take away the fact that you are a mom now.
You’ve got a lot more to lose by having abortion than choosing to be a parent to your child. Let me refer you to a pregnancy resource center. Pregnancy resource centers are located all across the United States and help women just like yourself for free! They can help you with all of your needs and it is completely free. Just go to Optionline.cog and enter in your zip code. A list of centers will appear. Just call the one that you would like to go to and tell them about your situation. They do not preform or refer for abortions but they have information on abortion. They will be so happy that you called.
I know that your friends have supported a decision for abortion, but let me be the first to tell you that I think you are capable of going to school and being a good mother. Even if your friends don’t believe in you, I do. I believe that you can do this and I believe that you have what it takes.
Let me know if there is anything else I can do to help. I’m just an email away.
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Hi Becky-
I wouldn’t be able to do it this year. I made drum major for my university’s marching band which is a big deal because there have only been 2 other females to ever be appointed to this position. Everyone at school is really excited about it and they keep congratulating me. I want to talk to my band director to see if I would be able to return to the position the season after this one.
It’s just hard for me because the position is something I wanted to achieve since high school. I’ve just been praying and asking God to guide me to the right decision and to help me. I’ve been talking to my boyfriend, and he’s on the fence about it. Every time I bring up the negatives he suggests an abortion. He says he’s really frustrated with me.
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Hi Karen-
I have noticed that men usually deal with pregnancy related issues by shutting down or becoming frustrated. I think that the way your boyfriend is treating you is not good and you deserve better, but unfortunately he is acting like most men do. It just takes men some time for them to process pregnancy. It is life changing. Many men don’t even get over it until the baby is born and can hold him/her in his arms.
For now, you could just give your boyfriend some space to process things. I would not make a decision for or against an abortion based upon what your boyfriend wants. In your emails you have told what your friends at school think and what your boyfriend thinks, but you haven’t said what YOU want.
I’m really glad to hear that you are praying about this and asking God. I am praying for you too! God will show you what to do. Just wait on him and listen for him. You will be able to get through this.
Let me know what your band director says when you talk to him.
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Dear Becky-
After debating on abortion for about a week I finally made my decision. I’m going to keep my baby! Regardless of what other people say that is the decision that I feel is right because I am a Christian.
I told my dad on Friday and he was more supportive than I could ever imagine! As soon as I told him he immediately gave me a hug and told me he loves me. He told me he would tell my mom for me. He even told me not to worry about trying to get a job. He said he and my mom would help us!
I talked to my band director on Friday night and he was really supportive and encouraging. He told me how he and his wife had their first child at 17 and how they both still marched in the band. He told me that I had worked for that spot as drum major and that when I came back it would still be my spot! God has really moved in this situation and I feel really blessed!
This will be my biggest testimony yet.
love-
Karen
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Karen-
This is wonderful news! I am so happy to hear about you are going to be a parent! Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I am also so happy to hear your parents’ reaction and the reaction of your band director.
When you have your baby, please send pictures. I would love to see him/her.
Thank you so much for letting me know your decision. I think that you have you have make the best decision for both you and your baby. You have a lot to be proud of.
You know, there might still be people at your school who believe that you should have had an abortion. If you face opposition at school, I just want you to know that you have made the best decision and if people don’t realize that, it is ok. You are allowed to make decisions for yourself and they don’t have to agree with it. After all, it is your body and your choice.
Keep me posted! And thank you so much for emailing me!
It was the last day of school my freshman year of high school. My mom was a teacher so we had the whole house to ourselves for half of the day. My boyfriend and I had been together since the 8th grade and had always had it bad for each other.In our second grade year books, we profess our love to one another and I have a rather attractive picture of us being in K4 together. We had a very physical relationship from the start. We only had intercourse twice. The second time, I got pregnant.
I was the good kid. I was an honor student, in the national honor society, beta club, show choir, church youth group-you name it. Once I found out I was pregnant, none of that mattered to anyone anymore. It was the outward expression of this act we had committed that clouded everyone’s opinion of me. We weren’t doing anything everyone else wasn’t doing, we just got caught.
I stayed in school for my entire pregnancy. I left 4 days before I had my daughter. Bailey Madison was born on March the 15th, 1996. I was able to stay on home bound the remainder of the school year and went back to complete high school, with honors, might I add, my junior and senior year.
Bailey’s father and I went through some definite ups and downs, mostly downs at this point. He wasn’t ready to fully grow-up and I wasn’t ready or willing to put up with his games. Having Bailey changed us, we had to learn to be parents together and then work on the relationship with time.
Fast-forward to the present -we have now been married for 5 years. We have two more children, Rylee Morgan who is four and Jace Thomas who is 2. I do not pretend that it has been easy, but we love each other dearly and are both 100% committed to not letting our family fall into the stereotypical patterns that so often happen with young families.
Being a teen mom is the hardest thing I have ever done and am now convinced ,at almost 25, that it is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. It changed me in so many ways, I would not be who I am today if not for the journey. I think in some ways just as an alcoholic will always be considered an alcoholic, I will always consider myself a teen mom.
There are two things I must do on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. Number 1, as you so wonderfully put it, I need to Stand Up. I have to make the best out of every situation that is handed to me. That includes every negative comment, sideways stare,or harsh word. I am proud of where I am, of my children and my choices. Second, I must Look Up. I know that God has a plan for my life and my family. He doesn’t make mistakes. I lean on Him to guide me and lead me where He wants me to be. I want for Him to be as proud of me as I am of my own children.
luv-Erin
Dear Erin — Thanks for your story, Erin. I like it because it is very real. You don’t try and sugar coat stuff… you tell it like it is. I, like you, depend on God so much. Without Him, I am nothing.
It is so good to hear that there are other young couples out there trying to do the same thing we are. It isn’t easy…but, contrary to popular opinion, it IS possible! God bless you and your beautiful family.
Luv,
Becky — Before I was married, when I was much younger and much more liberal in my thinking and deeds,I was very pro-choice.I thought the whole idea of being pro-life was archaic thinking, that in a world already wrought with so much anguish and despair, why could I possibly want to bring another life into this bloody mess?
But I never had to make that “decision”, it never actually came up.Until about 10 years ago.I ran into an old girlfriend from High school,and one thing led to another…Later,she told me she was pregnant,and that she was going to “take care of it”. I acted indifferently; to be honest,I didn’t believe her.She had (more or less) stalked me in the past, and she wasn’t exactly all there…
(Geez, that sounds so typical,doesn’t it?Leave it to a guy to blame the girl.But seriously, she was a little off center.)
So I assumed she was lying about it, and I never heard from her again.
Time moved on,I forgot about her, and eventually, I met the light of my life and married.I grew up, got away from alot of my unconventional thinking,joined the Catholic church, got involved in our parish, and am now Deputy Grand Knight of our parishes Knights of Columbus Council.
Our first child turned one last week, and I can’t imagine never having him in my life. He and his mother mean more to me than my own life does. The feeling I get when I see his smile when he sees me walk through the door at the end of the work day…that’s got to be what heaven feels like!
But I have thought often of that old girlfriend, and our own “story”, and oftentimes I wonder about it.I doubt I could have changed her mind, but knowing what I now know, I would have tried. I’ve begged for forgiveness, I have talked to a priest and various and sundry people on prayer groups across the internet, I’ve even talked to my wife about it, and all of them say the same thing to me, that I was a different person then, I’m repentant, and that I’ve been forgiven, but there is still that little black spot deep inside me that feels horrible knowing what I know might have been.I dont know if it was real, or what, but even the thought is a massive load to carry.
Your site is wonderful, you are indeed a “stand up” girl, and you are in my prayers for your efforts.
Steve Miller
Dear Steve,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I think there are a lot of guys out there who are suffering like you are. Abortion affects both the mother and father, even if they don’t realize it or begin to deal with it until years later. Many people “stuff” their hurts deep down inside themselves because they are too afraid to look at them. You have sought healing and have you found it? I guess it takes time. You know God loves you and forgives you fully. I guess it’s always harder to forgive ourselves, though, isn’t it?
What a blessing that God has given you a little son! What a bright little light he seems to be in your life. Isn’t God good?
I’m wondering if it might be a good idea to contact the girl who had the abortion. I heard a talk, once, at a pro-life conference and the speaker said that is what he did. He told the girl that he was sorry for not being more supportive. They cried and named their child, and were able to bring some closure to the whole thing. I don’t know if this would apply to your situation…I just thought I’d mention it.
God Bless You.
Becky |
Dear Becky,
I’m not normally one to ask for help but right now I’m so confused and very not sure what to do. In December, two years ago, I aborted a baby to make my bf at the time happy. He told me we would be together and he would never leave me. I was wrong. Last year, on the one year anniversary for aborting the baby, I ended it. For the last year we haven’t been together I started to see other people. It wasn’t set in stone if I was gonna date this new guy, but he likes me and I like him. Well I just found out we are expecting a baby. I promised my mom I wouldn’t have another one. I can understand I was extremely depressed and I cried for months. I’m pretty sure I just came to terms with the the choice I made before.The thing is this baby is due the same day the other baby was born .
My BF told me he isn’t ready for another baby cause he is just trying to get use to my daughter, who he just met. I’m not sure bringing this baby into this mess is the right thing, plus I want to go to college and make a life for myself and my daughter and be married and have house and stable family before having more children. Is that a bad thing or good? I don’t want to go through another abortion, but I really don’t know my options. I would let it go to a family who can’t have children, but I’ll have my daughter’s feelings to to think about. I just need to talk to someone who isn’t family and isn’t involved with any of this.
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Hi,
Thanks for writing. It’s good to talk with you. I am sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. My heart goes out to you.
One of the last lines in your email stood out to me. You would be willing to make an abortion plan for your baby, but you have your daughter’s feelings to think about. Adoption is a very loving decision, but abortion is not. If it were me I would much rather tell my daughter that you loved this baby so much that you found a wonderful family for him or her to live with than tell my daughter that you killed her brother or sister.
Have you had the opportunity to learn more about adoption? Here is a great website that will be of help: http://www.bethany.org/main/pregnancy-resources/choosing-adoption. Have you heard about open adoption? An open adoption allows you (and your daughter) to have contact and communication with your baby if you choose to place him/her with an adoptive family. You will be able to spend time together and get to know each other. It really is a wonderful thing! Your baby will be able to know you and love you and have a wonderful family that can take care of her for you. There is no doubt about it, adoption is a hard choice, but sometimes the best choices are the most difficult.
But you may decide that adoption is not right for you. You can parent your child. Parenting is difficult, but so are all of your choices right now. Let me refer you to a pregnancy resource center. The pregnancy resource center can help you with your financial and material needs during and after your pregnancy. They are there to help and support you through everything. Just go to: http://www.optionline.org/ or you can call 1-800-712-HELP. At the website all you have to do is type in your zip code in the gray box on the right and a list of centers will appear. Just call the center and tell them that you are considering parenting your child and you need free help. They will be happy to help you.
Please don’t put yourself through the pain of having another abortion. Abortion is never a solution to a problem; it just adds to the problems that you already have. In your email you said that you got your first abortion to make your boyfriend happy, but having an abortion did not solve any of your problems. I would hate to see you make the same mistake twice.
You know, I think you have what it takes to be an excellent mother. Your situation is not hopeless. If you think about it, no child is born into a perfect situation. Sometimes all the pieces in life just don’t add up and you have to roll with the punches. You are in a difficult situation, but I believe in you. You already are a parent so you know the ropes. You are not going into this blindly. If you did it once, I know that you can do it again.
I’m here to talk, write back any time.
Much love,
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Dear Becky-
I decided to keep the baby. I was in contact with midwives. And just waiting to hear back. Thank you for the answer I was looking for : )
I just found your blog, and I wanted to share my story with you. I was living in Mexico teaching English when I found out I was pregnant. I was 30 years old, so not a young girl, but I was scared nonetheless. My boyfriend and I started making plans to get married quickly, and I just thought that I would spend the rest of my life in Mexico. Things unraveled in our relationship very fast, and my boyfriend decided he didn’t want to marry me. I returned home to be with my family in the U.S., feeling depressed and devastated. I was about 2 months pregnant at the time. I had no idea how I was going to manage to be a single mother……..
Slowly, God began to show his love and grace to me, and today, I am a single mother to Ruby who is almost 19 months. I think your website is such a great resource for girls who think they can’t do it and that abortion is the only way out. My message to other girls in this situation is that they CAN do it. It’s hard, but Ruby’s smiles and laughs make it worth it every single day. She is truly the greatest gift to come out of such a difficult and tragic situation.
– Kinsey
Hi Becky, It has been over a year since I first emailed you about being pregnant to my friend and he wanted nothing to do with it.
Even though I have been through the hard struggle of dealing with abortion or pregnancy and choosing to keep my son Noah Jay who is now 8 1/2 months and a whooping 10kgs!!!! I still visit your site regularly and read the stories of other people and there hard decisions to make and I am still admired by everyone’s story and the decision at the end.
Not having Noah’s father in his life is very difficult, most recently I have found out that he has another son due in march with his girlfriend, that does hurt me but when I have my son’s little arms wrapped around my neck and his open mouth slobbery kisses, no amount of money in the world comes close to that feeling of knowing how much my son loves me. Its the father’s loss, Noah gets so much love from me.
He has just celebrated his 1st Christmas and what a spoiled boy he was, lol. Once again thank you very much for this site, it is very inspirational and I admire all the other young adults on this site, respect to you all.
