Becky — Before I was married, when I was much younger and much more liberal in my thinking and deeds,I was very pro-choice.I thought the whole idea of being pro-life was archaic thinking, that in a world already wrought with so much anguish and despair, why could I possibly want to bring another life into this bloody mess?
But I never had to make that “decision”, it never actually came up.Until about 10 years ago.I ran into an old girlfriend from High school,and one thing led to another…Later,she told me she was pregnant,and that she was going to “take care of it”. I acted indifferently; to be honest,I didn’t believe her.She had (more or less) stalked me in the past, and she wasn’t exactly all there…
(Geez, that sounds so typical,doesn’t it?Leave it to a guy to blame the girl.But seriously, she was a little off center.)
So I assumed she was lying about it, and I never heard from her again.
Time moved on,I forgot about her, and eventually, I met the light of my life and married.I grew up, got away from alot of my unconventional thinking,joined the Catholic church, got involved in our parish, and am now Deputy Grand Knight of our parishes Knights of Columbus Council.
Our first child turned one last week, and I can’t imagine never having him in my life. He and his mother mean more to me than my own life does. The feeling I get when I see his smile when he sees me walk through the door at the end of the work day…that’s got to be what heaven feels like!
But I have thought often of that old girlfriend, and our own “story”, and oftentimes I wonder about it.I doubt I could have changed her mind, but knowing what I now know, I would have tried. I’ve begged for forgiveness, I have talked to a priest and various and sundry people on prayer groups across the internet, I’ve even talked to my wife about it, and all of them say the same thing to me, that I was a different person then, I’m repentant, and that I’ve been forgiven, but there is still that little black spot deep inside me that feels horrible knowing what I know might have been.I dont know if it was real, or what, but even the thought is a massive load to carry.
Your site is wonderful, you are indeed a “stand up” girl, and you are in my prayers for your efforts.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I think there are a lot of guys out there who are suffering like you are. Abortion affects both the mother and father, even if they don’t realize it or begin to deal with it until years later. Many people “stuff” their hurts deep down inside themselves because they are too afraid to look at them. You have sought healing and have you found it? I guess it takes time. You know God loves you and forgives you fully. I guess it’s always harder to forgive ourselves, though, isn’t it?
What a blessing that God has given you a little son! What a bright little light he seems to be in your life. Isn’t God good?
I’m wondering if it might be a good idea to contact the girl who had the abortion. I heard a talk, once, at a pro-life conference and the speaker said that is what he did. He told the girl that he was sorry for not being more supportive. They cried and named their child, and were able to bring some closure to the whole thing. I don’t know if this would apply to your situation…I just thought I’d mention it.
God Bless You.