Picture this: You are a 15-year-old girl in high school. Raised in a Catholic family. You go to church on the weekends. College is in a few years, and you’re pretty excited, but not too worried yet because your future is bright, and you have options. You have a good group of friends and are active in your school clubs, the choir in particular.
You have a boyfriend. He says he loves you very much. After all, what is more real than a high school relationship at this point in your life? He tells you that if you don’t give him what he wants, he will leave you for more popular and prettier girls at school. You feel pressured to do anything and everything you can to make him stay. Anything and everything.
You’re used to passing tests in school. After all, you get straight As. You just passed a test today but this time, it’s different. It is much worse than getting a bad grade on a math test. You sit on the bathroom floor sobbing, looking at a test that you passed. You shake your head and your heart is beating out of your chest. “No.” You don’t want this. You’re too young. You have your whole life ahead of you.
People tell you the loopholes out of your problem because you are just “too young” for this responsibility. They tell you to just go to a health center and have them handle it. They tell you to give it up once it is born. They tell you if you keep it, you are destined to not succeed in life. They tell you, “You will fail.”
That was my mom and here we are today. I am 19 and she is 35. Typically, when I tell people our ages, their eyes get wide and they don’t know what to say. I usually get responses that range from “Oh wow” to “That’s incredible!” One constant that almost everyone asks me is, “So what happened after that? Did she just drop out of high school?” I kind of giggle and brag about how rockin’ my mom is because she graduated not only from high school, but also college, with me alongside her. She would work nights to provide for me, and she graduated with a four-year degree. If I were in her shoes, I would have a three-year-old at this point in my life. College is stressful enough with studying, working, student teaching, clubs and attempting to have a social life. Add a child into that? Absolutely not.
My mom and I right before she dropped off for my freshman year of college, August 2018. Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Lyons-Best.
It’s amazing how flawlessly my mother seemed to do the whole single parent, teen mother thing. Most people doubted her and continue to doubt her when we first mention our story. I feel that many of these judgments come from TV shows such as “Teen Mom” or “16 and Pregnant” that display women becoming famous for having a child at a young age, but then not doing much with their lives after. Because of the stereotypes these shows seem to depict, people form an idea of what they believe teen moms are, how they look and how their children turn out. If you ask me, they seem pretty trashy, based on these TV depictions.
But that’s just not the truth. If shows like that are the truth, then I suppose we should start turning to “The Bachelor” for our ideas of love and “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” for our ideas of success.
It was not easy. It was not normal. It was real. It was life. It was the truth.
Unfortunately, some teen moms do not have our same experience. Some believe they are not capable of this responsibility and take matters into their own hands. Some become famous and live off of MTV’s money for the rest of their lives. After all, as Katie Lowrey from “16 and Pregnant” said, “I did get two awesome blessings, but I haven’t gotten my bachelor’s degree yet because one, daycare is so expensive and two, how do you balance studying and having little ones at home?”
I’ll tell you, Katie, while it might be difficult to persevere, it can be done with a lot of hard work. After all, I have witnessed teen motherhood firsthand, and I promise it is not nearly the end of the world. I get it. Like I said, if this happened to me, I would probably feel the same way. I would feel hopeless. With that, I know and have seen that it is possible. If you have the mindset and determination, you will get through it, just like anything else in life.
For the current teen mothers, you got this. For the people who know teen mothers, please do not be quick to judge. For girls pregnant and worried, it will be okay. Lastly, for teen mothers who got through it, cheers to you. You are amazing.
This piece originally appeared in the Opinion section of the Beacon, the student newspaper at University of Portland (UPBeacon.com)
By Elizabeth Lyons-Best
I am twenty two years old, and this is my story. when i was seventeen i was in a bad place…i had moved out of my parent’s house and was living in a different house every week. i was heavy into meth, selling and using. after about nine months my periods stopped and i thought i was pregnant…it was then that i made the decision to quit drugs and get my life together.
As it turns out, when your body rapidly loses weight it can stop your period…since i thought i was pregnant already i wasn’t practicing safe sex and it was because of this that i got pregnant for real. luckily, i had quit doing drugs before i conceived…and nine months later i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. he saved my life by giving me the will to improve myself. i had gotten my GED and had enrolled in college…none of which would have happened without him. i loved him more than anything…he was my world, my reason for living.
My parents were giving us a place to stay, rent free, so long as i was in school…unfortunately my parents were only interested in helping me as long as it wasn’t getting in the way of them making money…so the week i graduated from college, my parents kicked me and my son out of our house…we had one night to get all of our stuff out…i remember starring at my son as he slept…crying because i was letting him down with my inability to care for him.
After that, i made the hardest decision i have ever made…i sent my son to go live with his father…who had not been in his life at all up until that point…and once again i was homeless. i didn’t have a car…i didn’t have a job…and i didn’t have any friends or family to help me. i was in an awful place.
After almost a year of drifting around…hardly seeing my son. one of my friends asked if i wanted to go live with her at her grandma’s in Mississippi. we could stay there while we looked for jobs..have roofs over our heads and a car to drive. i accepted…and that is when started looking up. i found the man of my dreams and we got a house together…i finally felt comfortable and like i belonged. i found out that my parent’s had petitioned for and received custody of my son…and although i hate them for what they had done…they were well off and gave him all the love and care he needed, all the things i could not give him. in pictures they sent he looked so happy and cared for…when i spoke to him on the phone he was so smart and cheerful. i didn’t want to take him away from the only happiness he had known…even if i could support a child…i knew that to take him away from the only home he could remember just to fufill my own maternal desires would be selfish. i am currently awaiting the day that i am completely stable financially and mentally, and when that day comes my son will live with me again…he does not deserve the uncertainty that comes with money problems, and emotional problems.
Not long after all this…i found out i was pregnant again. i was frantic…i already had a child that i could not care for on my own. i knew the heart wrenching pain that comes from not being able to give the baby you created everything they need and deserve…it is a pain i deal with daily. i felt like abortion was my only choice. i could not stand the idea of giving up a child again…to think of it now, it seems so ridiculous and selfish that i would rather kill than give up this baby. i was sick all the time…i couldn’t go to work because i was constantly throwing up…i think i convinced myself that for the sake of keeping my job i had to have an abortion. i also think i was ashamed…that people would not understand why i was not keeping my child. because of the shame i already felt for my inadequacies with my son, it all seemed unbearable…so at nine weeks, i had an abortion.
This was about two months ago…and i am in the denial stage i believe. the only person who knows is my boyfriend…and even we don’t really talk about it. i have been having some pretty severe emotional issues…i feel like i am in a permanent state of p.m.s…i will fly off the handle at the drop of a hat, i am really tired all the time, and have been having cramps and headaches. i am terrified to see the doctor…i can’t stand the thought of someone touching me down there. there haven’t been any sexual problems, but the thought of being in a hospital atmosphere, and someone putting medical instruments inside of me makes me have panic attacks.
I go from a manic desire to be pregnant again to never wanting any more children…even thinking about my son makes me want to cry because i know that my other child would have been as special to me as he is. i am not religious, but i believe that killing is wrong…i don’t know how i am going to get through this without professional help, but i can’t bring myself to actually speak to someone about it…i feel like it is all still so new and i need some positive reinforcement. any help you could give me would be great.
My poem….
A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bank balance smaller, home happier, clothes dirty, the past forgotten…and the future worth living for.
A poem for my son
Waiting behind the veil is my beautiful son
He died when i killed him.
Abortion is a pain, can’t even have a funeral.
I always heard his little cry calling me to save him
I feel so sad for what I did
I was too scared
I didn’t believe I was ready to hold him in my arms.
Just thinking about looking at that little boy’s smile breaks my heart.
I shouldn’t have done what I did.
But what was a 15-year-old to do?
I didn’t have a job and was way too young
my mom was too strict, my dad was all strung out.
Out in the harsh world lost for things to do.
Didn’t have a full high school education yet so there wasn’t very many jobs to choose.
I shouldn’t have done it, baby, I’m sorry.
I’ve cried for what seems like forever.
I shall never forget you.
And soon we’ll be together again, I’m sure of it.
Yesterday my mom took me to the emergency room because I had been blacking out and throwing up a few times a day. The doctor asked me if I was sexually active and with my mom out of the room I told her that me and my boyfriend of a year and 8 months had been sexually active since I was 15 years old. She ordered a urine pregnancy test and to my horror it came out positive. I sat there for a while not knowing what to do and feeling absolutely lost, confused and alone. My doctor then talked to me about options with abortion but I knew in my heart that there was no way I could do that to my child.
I called my boyfriend who also just wanted the situation to go away but soon realized the significance of our actions. He promised me that he will be here for me every step of the way, no matter what happens and no matter what we decide. His family is also going to be very supportive and will also help in any way that they can.
The hardest part I knew was next. I had to break the news to my mom. She had no idea that I had been sexually active with my boyfriend so it would be extremely difficult to tell her. At first I wanted to just wait and tell her with my boyfriend but I soon discarded the idea and told the doctor to let her in.
When I told her, she looked devastated, hurt and confused. I explained everything to her and to my surprise, she told me that she still loved me and would always help me out in any way I needed. A social worker came in while we talked about options and I received prescriptions for some medications.
When I got home I told my whole family who also said that they still love me just as much and said that they support me fully in everything that I had to go through and decide. my boyfriend came over along with his parents while we all talked about life, love and God.
After just one day I now feel so much love and so much support from my family that I didn’t think I would get. I believe that God only gives us trials that he knows we can get through. I will be able to make it through this, I will just have to stay strong and keep positive. In the end I hope to find the love and strength to give my baby up for adoption to a loving family. I know that I can’t do this alone and I just want to let every girl out there with my situation know that you are not alone. God is on your side. He’s there to help and to love and to support.
I am not alone and neither are you.
