gettn back to me

So I have finally let you go.

2 years of my life that I have given you and I have always managed to give you 110% of me. I asked you only for one thing and that you couldn’t give me. Tonight, you told me that you didn’t care about or want to be with me. You took my heart right out of my chest and tore it in two. I don’t know exactly what to feel right now, but I can’t stop crying. You gave me your final thought of me, words I thought I would never hear. But I guess in time, people change and things happen. Never pictured us ending up this way but every beginning has an end, but mine turned out not to be a happy one…..

On to me and my new life now.

Coming along well

It has been 4 days since my abortion and I think I may be doing better…..

I have started to see someone I can talk to about everything I am feeling… I have also found out that one of my closest friends had an abortion done a few months ago, making her another person I can talk to about things… She has given me some great advice which is really working… I had to go back on my medications due to doing things to myself, but once again, I have a friend to talk to now… I’m still not getting too much sleep, the pictures are still haunting me like you wouldn’t believe… I have also found out that my church has a group for women who have gone through the same thing…. I still wish I could turn back time and change everything… I regret my decision and it makes my day so much hard to go through… I keep asking myself the famous “what if” question… Like “What if I had the baby would it have made my life better, or did I do the right thing?”  I hope there will be some day soon when I can have a peaceful day to relax… I really need it soon, before I drive myself crazy… I have my daughter for the weekend, which I hoping it will help with my mode a little…

But I am absolutely doing better…

Heyy =)

Just a bit about me =)

I live in England, I’m 19 years old, have been with my lovely boyfriend for 4 and a half years, and as of today, I am 19 weeks pregnant with our first baby. =)
We are both excited about becoming parents as it’s what we’ve both wanted since we first got together. It wasn’t a planned pregnancy as we had just got back together after having a break for a few months, but we are both more than happy about going through with it. And even though we argue quite a bit with my bad mood swings, we are still a strong couple. To be honest, I think it’s brought us closer together =). I have been asked that as it was basically a mistake getting pregnant, why didn’t I just get rid of it? But I have always been adamant about never having an abortion. I’m not saying I’m against them if someone has reason to do it, then I’m not going to hate them for it, I just personally could never go through with it. I have to say though, whoever said that pregnancy was the best time of their life is lying. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a pain in the arse lol! Although I’ve had no morning sickness, I get the sicky feeling, headaches, stomach aching, backache, dizzy spells. I get the lot!

Anywhoo, enough of my babbling lol =)

Much Love x

Zachary Ryan(2/19/2010)

Feb. 7th, I found out I was pregnant for the 4th time, just had a baby girl 8/11.

Another baby was impossible mentally and financially. Me and my boyfriend were living in his parent’s house. His mom was a crazy wench. She harassed me constantly. Well, I moved out the day I found out I was pregnant, but that was planned a week before. I moved in with a close friend. But it was only till I could get on my feet, how could that happen with another baby on the way? So a week later, I made the call that would change my life forever. Feb. 19th at about 9 am, my baby was taken from me. I was 6 weeks and 1 day along. I felt in my gut, in my heart, that it was the little boy I could never hold. I named him Zachary Ryan when I really started to grieve for that baby. I was so against abortion and then went and did it anyway. I regret that decision and will for the rest of my life. No one warned me about the mental issues that go along with abortion. I’m so depressed, I cry for my baby EVERYDAY! I developed bulimia. I’ve become very angry. And sex, yeah it doesn’t happen anymore. I got an IUD put in and won’t touch my boyfriend unless there’s protection. Still, there’s no desire. Took me 2 months after my abortion. So far it’s only been 3 times since Feb. I feel so alone, like the only woman who grieves for the baby that I chose to abort. I miss him every day. My due date is coming up next month. It’s going to be a sad day.

To Zachary, I am so so sorry for the decision I made out of fear. If I just sat down and had not listened to anyone, you would’ve been welcomed into our arms next month. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and regret every day of our lives what we did! Nothing can take it back. I pray every day that you are happy and at peace!

bad mom.. =(

Losing a child is the most painful thing I could have ever imagined…

How could I be such a horrible mother before my child even got the chance to be born? How could I not be more careful? I know it’s my fault & I feel so terrible… I was planning on being the best mommy possible for you. I failed before the challenge even began…

I love you and I wish we had more time together: time to bond, time to love each other, time to become a family…