I’ve gone through the last few years faking …. faking that I’m OK and that I’m happy and stable.
I guess that I’m a better actress than I gave myself credit for. I’ve started crashing again, just too many things going on right now. Aergean nearly died and I thought I would too if he didn’t pull through… Now I’m not sure that I want to live, even though he’s OK again…
I got woken up by a friend this morning… around 7 am…. calling to tell me that she’s pregnant. I still don’t know how I managed to talk to her for a half hour and pretend that I was happy for her and hadn’t died inside again. Is it wrong of me to envy her like this? To want what she has so badly that it’s driving me insane?
I just want to get away from home for a while and clear my head… I just want to be the old me again… without having to pretend. I just want to be completely happy and not resentful and angry and teary all the time… but I don’t even know if that’s possible anymore.
She was the picture of purity. Of innocence. Of grace. She had a beautiful child-like mind, filled with excitement and joy in life, and with insatiable curiosity.
She wanted to experience all the world had to offer, and she was brave enough to do so. She knew if she was ever going to fulfill her curiosity and reach some small kind of enlightenment, she would have to leave her ignorant little provincial town with its boring safe inhabitants who knew or cared little about the exciting scary world that surrounded them. With tearful goodbyes to mother, father, sister, and friends, she bordered the plane to take her to a school across the continent and didn’t once look back. Freed from her incessant protective shelter that unwittingly prevented any personal growth, her world opened up and flooded with everything new. New people, new senses, new culture. It almost went unnoticed when new values poured in with the rest. The transition from porcelain perfection flowed so smoothly even she could not pinpoint the moment she changed. It spread, black ink over flawless white. Her innocence was corrupted and twisted and her gentle naivety and ignorance were weapons against her as the weapons of the world took over. Poisoned and crippled, she lost all sense of what she once was. Alcohol stole her intelligence, drugs stole her grounding, and a combination of both allowed an unknown boy to steal her virginity. She was left weak and bruised and abandoned, but not alone. Out from the humiliating pain and influenced despair came something entirely unknown. A small, convoluted spark in the darkness. A little flame that grew and changed within her, taking up what was left of her battered resilient strength until it demanded her attention. And the shaking blue stripe told her it was a baby. This new dark world that she did not recognize or know shattered, and she was left floating in nothingness. She was lost, afraid, and in irrefutable despair. She was an outcast, ridiculed and pitied. Desperate, she clung to the knowledge that hurt as she was, there was one who was still weaker than her. There was one whose existence depended solely on her ability to live and live well. The drive of the being inside her gave her the quiet resolution to pick her shaking form off the bottomless ground. With nowhere else to turn, she looked to her memories, dishearteningly seeking some resemblance of strength and shelter. Nothing in the recent past held any kind of reassurance but fuzzily in the distance, as though from some long-forgotten dream, a memory existed of clean, white, safety. A little town, ignorant and naïve. A small community of people who never sought excitement or adventure, and who were endlessly uncurious about the wide scary world that surrounded them. But people, nonetheless, who cared and loved her, who wanted to protect her innocence, but mostly to just protect her. This sanctuary was where she could go, away from the dark corrupting strangers, to grow the living awareness inside her body. She returned, prodigal, the arms of her family stretching out for miles to engulf her in their protective embrace. With loving tears and loving anger, they accepted her brokenness and carried her and her dependent through to recovery. There the two of them will stay, resting and growing in perpetual safety. Staying, at least, until the little testimony of caution develops its own sense of curiosity and adventure.
It will, she hopes, learn from the story of its mother, and not seek to venture into the wide scary world until it is ready; until it knows who it is, and what it values; until it has locked the picture of purity deep inside itself, never to be overcome.
Hi, so I’m 16 and have a 4-month-old baby boy and recently started a pop birth control 34 days ago.
Well, I never got my period this month and it’s been over 40 days since the last one i took a cheap pregnancy test and it was negative, but still no period.
What’s wrong with me? What should I do?
So, I’m starting to feel like my boobs are going to explode! They’re soooo swollen!!!
I still haven’t told my parents, but I have told my siblings and a few close friends… I’m waiting till I stop stressing. I know I’m overthinking it but I want to be in the right mindset when I tell him, and I don’t want to look scared. I wanna be able to hold my head high, look into his eyes, and just tell him. We’ll see how long that takes.
I had a dream last night!! She was a blond baby girl!!!!! Ahhhh!!! She looked just like her daddy! She was beautiful! I want her sooo bad! She’s no bigger than a flee, and I already love her with all my heart! I know my fiancé will love her too, but not like I will… She’s growing inside me…and that’s a feeling he’ll never know…
I’m picking names at the moment. I’m thinking Lilly Alice. Eeeeee!!!! I’m so happy it’s making me need to pee!
I also really like Cody Marie too.
I have a question…My boobs are already c38…How much will they grow during pregnancy and breastfeeding?
Today is the day. I am so scared because I’m going to be taking the pill which means that the abortion will happen within the next three days.
I don’t know if I can go through with it. What do you guys think of adoption?? My boyfriend says that if he can’t have it then no one can and it will grow up messed up because it will be adopted. I tried to explain to him that that’s not the case and that there is open adoption. I don’t know what to do. I just want to run away and have it and give it up for adoption. I know there is help out there for that but I’m scared to leave my home and my boyfriend who I have been with for three years now.
I couldn’t sleep last night and have been thinking about it nonstop.
I’m not quite sure what I’m hoping for…
I’m a few days late on my period and despite the circumstances, I know I’d be a really good mum and I’d put everything before my possible child, regardless of who supports me or not. I’m being realistic about my situation, I know I’ll most likely have to put off my education for a couple of years. I’m pretty sure with me being so young (I’m 16), my boyfriend (the baby daddy) won’t stick around, and I’m not entirely sure how I’d tell my mum. But all those things considered, I wouldn’t want to get rid of my baby (if there even is one). I’m in a way hoping I’m not pregnant because it’s not the ideal situation to be having a baby so young with nothing set in stone, I’d much rather have a steady job, my own place, and a steady relationship before I’d go down the baby route. But if this is what’s planned for me, I’ll make the most of every second, because (even being so young) I know I was born to care for others and become a mum (I want to work in a hospital, to look after people). My family situation isn’t really ideal, so I want to start my own close-knit family; I suppose to fill some ‘void’ I must have from my own… Some days I feel stupid for wanting a family so young. I know I’m too young to be able to support my baby in the way I want to, but it still doesn’t stop me from wanting to have my own little life to care for. Someone I know I could rotate my life around without the fear of being abandoned. It’s silly, isn’t it? That a girl my age would actually want a child. But I feel I wouldn’t miss my social life as much as people say I would. Taking care of a baby is what I was born to do. I don’t know, I just needed to get my feelings out on a page.
If I am pregnant, I know I’ll feel on top of the world, and if I’m not, I can start to plan toward a life with a baby in a settled environment when I’m older.
Thanks for reading my rambles xD
