uhmmm :S

Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on…

I have a feeling I could have a huge problem here, but part of me says it’s just coincidence…I dunno what to think anymore and there is no way in hell I’m asking an adult some questions… Part of me wants to be right… And the other part wants it to be coincidence just so I don’t have to face talking to my mum….

Uh-oh… I dunno what to do :s

This is Hard to Admit

Well, I am not sure how I am going to explain how i am feeling right now, but I am going to try my best.

They call me Honeybee at school because I am usually very hyper and fun. Lately not so much. I had sex with a guy for the first time two weeks ago and I have missed my period. Yes, we used protection but things were going on before we put on the condom. It is very hard to explain. I automatically flipped thinking I might be pregnant.

I felt horrible and was constantly crying. I ended up telling my parents. Which I thought was the better option than trying to hide this. My dad wanted to rip the kid’s face off and my mom was upset with my choice, but they both took it pretty well from what I can see.

The boy didn’t know and my mom decided to go and talk to this guy’s parents about it all. To my amazement, his mom blamed the whole thing on me and said she begged him not to sleep with me. Like he was a little angel apparently. This guy is no angel though. He has cheated on his ex-girlfriends, nearly knocked up a girl before me, and slept with a few others. How was I any different?

When he got home, his parents told him what had happened and he freaked out at me for not telling him sooner. How was I supposed to tell him anything when he stopped talking to me and would never look at me?

I am scared and confused and I feel like if I am not pregnant I will look like an idiot for thinking I was… Please help me.

I have a secret

I had an abortion about 4 years ago. Nobody knows except my mom and my boyfriend. I was too ashamed to tell anyone else but reading everybody’s stories gave me the strength to tell mine.

I was 14. My boyfriend (who I’m still with) and I had a bad relationship. He would cheat on me and date other girls then I would take him back. I have always suffered from depression and the things he was doing to me drove me crazy. It felt like I couldn’t breathe without him. He was my everything, the only person I had. My mom was hooked on pills, my father was never around, and my sisters did their own thing. I cut myself a lot. It helped me deal with the pain. We were sexually active. We used condoms most of the time, but I guess one time we didn’t. And I got pregnant. It was May and the last day of school and he broke up with me for a girl he always cheated on me with and I knew he did, but I didn’t care as long as I had him. Well, when I got home, my mom was at work and it was just me and my little sister, who was 12 at the time. I was so devastated. I didn’t know I was pregnant yet. I ran to my room, took sleeping pills, and cut my wrists BAD!! Blood was everywhere. I passed out. My little sis came in and saw what I had done and she couldn’t wake me up, so she called 911. The ambulance came, brought me to the hospital, and they stitched me up. Luckily, no serious damage was done. My mom came up there with my aunt and cousin. My mom was so scared and upset. I felt so bad for doing this to her, but I didn’t want to live anymore. It wasn’t just him that hurt me. It was everything. I felt like I was drowning in a black hole with no escape.

They told my mom I had to go to a mental hospital. They kept me on suicide watch in a padded room and straight-jacket for the first 2 days then I was put in a room. They had me on so many different meds; 1 for depression, 1 for bipolar, and some other ones that made me a zombie. I remember some things, but not all. My mom and sisters came to visit me and it made my mom sick seeing me so zoned out. I couldn’t hold my niece cause I was weak and shaking. I was in there for 8 days. I had no pregnancy symptoms that I noticed, so being pregnant never crossed my mind. The day before I left, they gave me a pee test to make sure all my meds were in my system and I guess they had done a pregnancy test cause they told me and my mom when I was leaving that I was pregnant.

My mom didn’t know we were having sex. My mom hated him. They took me off the meds except for my antidepressants and bipolar meds. They said it wouldn’t hurt the baby. I was so out of it that it didn’t even register to me that I was having a baby. When I got home, my mom called him and told him I was out of the hospital and I was pregnant. He didn’t care. He was running around having fun while I suffered. My mom and I went to the doctor and I was 12 weeks pregnant. We talked and I decided I couldn’t have a baby. I just got out of a mental hospital and was severely underweight (80 pounds) and depressed plus I thought that the baby was hurt already from all the meds. May 27th was the day I decided to kill my child. My mom called and set up an appointment. I was so numb on the way there. My mom cried and cried. She didn’t want me to go through this, but we had no other choice. My mom was a single mother working like a man to support 3 daughters plus my niece. We had no money or even a place to put the baby. We got there and I filled out paperwork and they brought me back there and did an ultrasound. I was 13 weeks pregnant. The doctor came in and asked me if I was ready. I said yes. I was still numb. They gave me pain meds and laid me on the table and sucked my baby out of me. It hurt. God, it hurt. I cried and told them to stop, but it was too late. My baby was gone.

I see her. In my mind, it was a girl. I saw my dead, bloody baby in a bowl. That was when it hit me. They gave me more pain pills and I left. The ride back was horrible. My mom tried to comfort me, but I was in hysterics. What had I done??? I killed my baby, my innocent child who didn’t ask to be born. She didn’t deserve what I had done to her because i was too selfish and depressed. I slept for days. I finally called my boyfriend and told him. He cried and apologized for making me do this. We talked for a while and decided to give it another chance. We have been together for 5 years now and I have given birth to 3 boys. Cameron is 2 and a half, Ethan (who I gave up) is 1 and a half, and Kaiden is 7 months. I wanted a girl so bad, but i know that I killed my little girl. I still suffer from major depression and think about her every day. I named her Promise Leigh. I have never shared this horrible part of my life with anyone. I hope this story helps people.

Aborting my baby was the worst thing I’ve ever done, even though I thought it was the best thing at the time and I will regret it till the day I die. I would give anything to have her back. I am very lucky that God gave me another chance to be a mother to my 2 sons. If you’re thinking of abortion, think again. You will regret it.

Why did this happen to me??

I was 16, had a 4-month-old son, and moved in with my mom at a campground. I was waiting for the bus one morning and a man raped me and I got pregnant. I couldn’t afford an abortion so I gave him up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

A living nightmare

We had planned everything. We had decided to have this baby. Our baby…

I am 18. I just graduated and had already applied and got into the best university of interior architecture. However, we have been talking about this for a few months now. I don’t see myself going to university. I see myself having a child with my fiancé, who is 23 (cooking chef), and raising our child. I lived in Oman (in the Middle East), and I was going to go to Paris to start my studies, and my fiancé was going to stay in Oman for his job. So before I left (because my family was moving to the Netherlands at the same time as I was moving to France), me and my fiancé decided to try and have a baby, so that if I was pregnant, I would fly back to him and live with him and raise our child together. I would be an artist and writer (I almost finished the book I’m writing, and have lots and lots of paintings to sell, and will continue with this because that’s what I really want to do in my life). We tried to conceive.

The plane took off, and my heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I had no idea when I was going to see my fiancé again because my parents didn’t like me being with him. I found out 3 weeks after arriving in Holland that I was pregnant. The “positive” on the pregnancy test was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and tears fell down my cheeks as a huge smile lit up my face. I grabbed my phone and sent my fiancé a text:

“My love, you are going to be a father”

I had never had so much happiness. My life was exactly how I wanted it to be. I gently placed my hand on my tummy and whispered “I love you”.

I had no choice but to tell my parents immediately because we had to cancel the university year and the apartment that we had found for me in Paris. I was so scared. I was shaking. I knew I wouldn’t be able to tell them with words, so I bought a pair of baby shoes and placed the positive test in between them in a shoe box. My parents came home and opened the box in front of me. From that moment on, everything turned into a nightmare. My dad insulted me, but with the calmest voice you could possibly talk in. Meaning that he was weighing out his words more than ever before.  My mom simply said ‘I can’t believe this’ and went to lock herself up in the bathroom. My dad said ok, we’ll take an appointment for an abortion. I never told them I tried to get pregnant because I was too scared of their reaction. I said “I want to keep it. I will never kill my baby”. The second I pronounced these words, they both brainwashed me nonstop for the 4 days following my statement. Every minute, I had things said to me such as “it’s not even a baby, it’s just cells growing and multiplying. It’s a cancer. Because as it grows up, it will destroy all our family. Your grandmother will have a heart attack when she’ll learn you’re pregnant. You are going to kill your grandma. And you are going to destroy your baby’s life. Look at the father he has, I feel so sorry for you. You are so selfish if you keep it. If you keep it, you will make your mother and I divorce from all the pressure we will have for raising your kid.” I told them they would NEVER raise my child because it wasn’t theirs. To which they replied “oh and you think YOU, an 18-year-old girl with no money and no studies, are going to raise your child”… They continued, day AND night. Their words were so horrible that I couldn’t eat or sleep anymore. The second I would open my mouth, I would get a horrible comeback that brought tears to my eyes. I couldn’t eat or sleep anymore as I was crying so much and wondering “What if they are right?” – That was my biggest mistake to listen to what THEY wanted once again, and not what I felt was right. After about 4 to 5 days, I had lost 5 kg. I couldn’t walk from how weak I was: obviously, when you’re pregnant and your parents stop you from sleeping because they come almost every night at 3 am to “discuss” with me for about 2 or 3 hours and leave me crying my heart out of pain and distress, it’s normal that you lose all your energy. I tried to take my suitcase and leave, but couldn’t carry it as I was too weak; that was right after my mom looked at me and told me with the coldest voice “I don’t give a s*** what you do. I don’t care anymore. You’ve caused enough problems in the family. I will take care of my husband and my son, and you just back off, I don’t care about you anymore”.

2 days passed and they kept telling me “look how weak you are, you can’t even carry a fetus properly. You’re going to die with the fetus if you don’t get an abortion”. They would NEVER say ‘baby’ or ‘child’ and they would laugh at me every time I called my ‘fetus’, baby.  One afternoon I walked into the living room and as my mom hung up the phone, she turned to me and said “I took an appointment for your abortion. It’s tomorrow. So find whatever reason to persuade yourself that it’s the right thing to do. You know I love you and you know I would never tell you to do that if I wasn’t 200% sure that there was no other solution”. I looked down and stayed silence. There was nothing I could do or say to even try to make her understand.

I went to the appointment with both my parents as they thought that if they didn’t come with me, I would never do it – their excuse was that they are coming with me to support me because I was being so courageous. I walked in the room where I was meant to have my echography done. I was going to see my baby for the first time. I was crying so much I couldn’t see where I was walking. Each step I took was a step closer to death. The doctor asked me if I sure about this, which made me cry even more, and my dad answered for me “yes she is” to which the girl replied that she was asking me, not him. He went to sit in the waiting room.

The nurse put gel on my tummy. It was cold. I know it sounds silly but I asked her not to press too hard on my tummy I didn’t want her to hurt my baby. She laughed. …And I saw him. I saw my baby. On the screen. He was so small. I smiled, waved, and said ‘hey baby’… I was crying so much. The girl told me if I kept it, my due date was 13th of March. She looked into my eyes and after a few seconds said “go home and think this over. I refuse to do the abortion because I know you are not sure about this. There is always a solution”. When I walked out of the room, my parents understood immediately. My dad’s eyes turned black, and the only feelings I could see in his eyes were “hate and anger”. My mom walked outside and started crying and sat down in the street, on the sidewalk.

We went home. “You are the most selfish person. You are destroying your family and will destroy the life of that ‘thing’”- said my mom. I cried silently. They stopped talking to me. Every second that passed, I died a little more inside. I called my uncle and my best friend. They both told me to get an abortion I had no choice and that my parents were right about the fact that I would destroy the whole family. They had won. I grabbed the phone and took an appointment.

“I will do you an injection and you will fall asleep. The intervention will take 15 minutes.” The surgery table was so cold. My deathbed. My mom wanted to come inside there and hold my hand just before going to sleep –once again to make sure I wouldn’t change my mind despite all of the other reasons she gave me. I was crying so much and shaking everywhere. My jaw, my arms, my hands, my body, my legs. I couldn’t breathe. My eyes were filled with burning tears. I felt the needle pierce my right arm. I wanted to scream but no sound came out. I tried to fight back, but fell asleep…

I saw God when I was asleep. There was a bright light, I knew it was him and it felt as if he was holding my hand. He told me “everything will be ok, it’s not your time to go…”

I woke up.

If I could go back in time, I would NEVER have let them decide for me. I would NEVER have listened and even think for a second that there was a chance they were right. I regret it. I cry every day, and the pain of having decided to kill my child for other people’s satisfaction and happiness is something I will never forgive myself. I died that day. I lost my baby, my child. And the most horrible thing is to hear my mom still tell me “I knew how you felt, and it was the hardest thing for me to tell you to get an abortion. So don’t think you are alone feeling so hurt. I feel as hurt as you.” How dare she say that!? She has no idea how much pain I have. She never lost a baby. She never had an abortion, and no one ever forced her to get one. My life is a nightmare now. I stopped university because I am in deep depression and the only thing I can think of is getting my baby back. I want my baby back…

What is done is done. But there is not one day that goes by without me knowing that I would give anything to go back in time and walk away before it’s too late. I hate myself.

To all the girls out there, no matter how HARD it is to fight against parents, family, friends, make sure that the decision you will make is 100% YOUR decision. If you have a doubt, stop. Think it through again and again, until that doubt is gone and until you know in your heart and in your mind that the decision you are taking is the right one. Whether you decide to keep it, or not. Because the only one that has the right to make that decision is YOU.

To my baby, “I will always love you. Please forgive me…”