Why Iam “Lonely_girl”
My story is almost the same as everyone else on here.
I had an abortion when I was 15, and scared with no choice. I lived with my mother, no father. My father left when I was 4, so I really had nowhere to go. My mother gave me the option of getting an abortion or getting out of her house. I knew in my heart I wanted my baby but at the same time, I needed a place to stay. And my boyfriend was young too and was really no help. He was as lost as me and his family act like they’re racist but you would think that since me and him were together for almost a year, you would think they wouldn’t care after awhile (my boyfriend is white). And knowing how his family felt about us dating, we couldn’t tell him and I think he was afraid to tell his parents because if he told them, they would make him leave me alone. I mean, they didn’t like me in the first place, and if they found out, they would have a heart attack. They never said it to my face but I can tell they didn’t like me because I was black and if they found out I was preg, they would roll over and die. But my family, on the other hand, was cool with us talking, and my family was open. Anyway, my family is far from racist but his family was a different story so we never told his parents, and he was only 17 about to go to college and he had got into to Harvard, and was leaving after the summer. So I didn’t want him to not go to school, but at the same time, I felt as though what about me? I mean. it’s both of our baby. Why should I have to be the only one taking control and he was just acting all scared.
But anyway long story short about him, I broke up with him because I felt as though he was so selfish to only think of himself and his life. And besides, he said he loved me so much. Then why couldn’t he tell his parents? Regardless of what they would have said, I thought we were in it together, but I guess not. He didn’t even come with me when I got the abortion. But to the story, I remember when I went to the abortion clinic ,they asked me so many questions about my last missed period and everything. I don’t really know because I haven’t came on my period in so long. So I had to get a sonogram done before I could get the abortion because they had to tell how far along I was. And my mother’s mind was already made up so I had to get the abortion, no questions asked. So she made me come back the next day to get my sonogram. When I first heard my baby’s heartbeat, I couldn’t believe it and just looking at that little person on the screen. It was crazy. I made that and it’s in me now. I mean, I knew I was preg but at that moment, it was so real.
I just didn’t want to go thou with it. I JUST COULDNT! My eyes got watery, my throat went dry, and my heart stopped. I just started crying and crying. I was crying so hard. I couldn’t even speak when the nurse asked me did I need some time alone. It’s like she could tell I was hurt so just looked at me and said you know you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to, it’s the law. Then she said I can’t tell you want to do but I think you should think about this. I am going to give you some time alone so you can think and I willn’t tell your mother. You can stay in here as long as you like. Just come to me first when you finish. I laid there. I didn’t want to get up. I could have stayed there my whole life but I couldn’t even think about anything but what my mother said: get an abortion or get out. Then I thought about how my boyfriend’s parents would think. I thought about him leaving me and going to school. I thought about everything negative. Then I could see my baby. It talked to me, telling me not to kill it. All I could think about was negativity and then this child, so innocent, positive and pure came and then I thought about reality, how hard it would be to care for a child with no money, no house, no nothing. I just couldn’t do it, but a part of me wanted to. But at the same time, I was so confused I didn’t know what to do. I cried so hard that moment and I cried every day since, even harder at times.
I walked the hall of pain to the nurse. I told her I was ready. So she looked at me and said “ARE YOU SURE????” I shook my head yeah like an asshole. I knew I wasn’t but I acted like I was. I stood still, grabbed my stomach. My feet wouldn’t move to even follow her down the hall. I was frozen then something just told me to move so I did. If only I could have stayed in that room forever. I remember lying on the table and someone was talking to me. I don’t even remember about what but she was talking. I just felt tears running down the sides of my face so fast and as fast as I wiped them, they came back. She gave me this needle and next thing I knew, I was in this room, a empty room. The first thing I did when I woke up was scream “WHERE’S MY BABY” ??? I started to cry because I knew it was gone. I felt empty like the room. I felt alone. I started crying harder. I couldn’t breathe. Then this nurse came in and asked what was wrong. I started screaming at her yelling, saying all types of stuff. Then other nurses came in. When they finally got my to be calm, I was having an panic attack, I was tried of crying because I was dead. I wouldn’t even blink
The way home, I said nothing. I didn’t talk for a week. Before we left the clinic, one of the nurses gave me one of my sonogram pics. I looked at that pic everyday. I slept with it. That pic was my only hope. I wanted to die. I stopped eating. I wouldn’t talk. All I did was cry, scream, stare, and sleep. Finally, after two weeks passed, I just couldn’t take it. I got up and walked out my room. My mom asked me where was I going. I said to take a bath. Then she told me that my boyfriend was coming over. I said whatever and walked away. I hadn’t forgave them yet. I hated them so I ran some bath water, took 20 random pills I found in the bathroom cabinet. I laid in the tub, clothes still on, the same clothes I had on the day of the abortion. I had never even changed my clothes. I got in the tub with my baby’s pic and my razor. I cut my wrist and laid there to die. My eyes got heavy and the water turned red. Then next thing I knew, I was underwater, wishing I would die. Then I heard my boyfriend’s voice. I thought I was dreaming. What is he doing here? I broke up with him. Why is he here? He pulled me out the tub but I couldn’t open my eyes. All I heard him keep saying was I’m so sorry, please don’t die, I love you so much. Then I was out. I thought I was dead. Then I woke up in the hospital. He was by my side and my mother was there too.
Long story short, they put me on depression pills and I was on them for almost two years. I was on sleeping pills too. I cried so hard for two years everyday. I was so unhappy. I still cry now but not like I use to. I cry but not everyday. Me and my boyfriend are still together and he has been there for me a 100%, and he didn’t go to college. He stayed home and went to any other college. His parents still hates me but whatever. We love each other so much and over those two years of my depression, our love grew stronger, and now we are trying to have another baby. I feel as though I’m ready now. I was 15 when I had the abortion and was depressed for two years after (I was 16, and 17) that, but now a year after my depression stage (I’m 18), I feel as though I’m ready. I’m not on any more pills but don’t get me wrong. I still think about my baby but i just don’t let it bring me down because since my abortion, I died that day and I haven’t been happy since until now. And I believe another baby will make me even happier. I will find that extra happiness I had lost that day. I want to feel whole again completely………
But any way, that’s my story. What’s yours????
