I know that they are relatively unrelated to my brain, but my breasts hurt so bad right now I can not concentrate on anything else.
Perhaps let’s start with an introduction to more than just my breasts. I am 30 years old. 15 years ago, I had an abortion, and 5 years ago, I gave birth to my first son and 16 months later, my second son came into the world. But then, well then the marriage fell apart and their father and I separated. Shortly after, I found someone incredible. That was 18 months ago. He was the one. I honestly said to myself, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my days and nights with. About 13 months ago (during what must now be called, “Breakup of the Ages, part I”), I sat up in bed, suddenly in the middle of the night and I said to myself: “omigod – I am going to have his baby girl!” I didn’t mean then, I knew I wasn’t pregnant. It was just some sort of weird knowingness. We got back together. We laughed, we loved…
We broke up again a few weeks ago – he isn’t ready to commit to a girl with two kids, doesn’t really want to take the leap to moving into his new house with us. I tried to understand. Hell, I am still trying. But I became broken. I had to work really hard to get through the days so my kids would not see and feel all that was going on around them. I vowed off any future relationships, stopped taking the pill and worryingly, just couldn’t keep food down if I could get myself to eat at all.
Two weeks ago, he came over after a dinner party and was hardly capable of speech. I was mostly asleep, yet happy to see him. And then the inevitable. Its a fluke and a half that I know I am pregnant now. I went to the doctor to discuss birth control options I don’t have to think about now that I am hardly thinking about sex. The blood test revealed that birth control is really not necessary at this point, though the urine test didn’t reveal it yet. Early days, early days.
2 weeks in (or is it 4 weeks?) and yes, I can feel it – and as I said, mainly in my breasts. I am also sleeping 10 hours a night and yawning 45 minutes after I wake up. I am constipated and cranky. Oh yes, the joys…
But he is not ready to commit to me, let alone a baby. I can not do this without him. I don’t earn enough (and kicker, I am living in a foreign country and do not qualify for social welfare). My existing childcare revolves around my boys’ father. I have no family here and even though I have some lovely friends, no one is really in a position to step up to the plate and help me out in the way that I need them to. I don’t feel it is right to ask him to give up his future for a reality I am already in (though I know there will be a million contenders to that). Early days. I have time to make a decision, but if I keep this baby, it will be on my own – even if he helps me financially. He has said he is not ready (who ever is? and am I for that matter?) and I said I wasn’t asking him to be. I thought termination was the option for both of us when I told him. And anyhow, it is early days…
But now? Now I sit at my desk and I struggle with myself. I argue and I fight. And my body is fighting me back (thank you for the lovely physical pain to go with the mental anguish). As cloudy as my brain is, I found myself picking up a pregnancy magazine along with milk and bread last night. I thought about baby fingers and baby toes. I thought about that little girl I thought I was going to have. And in between the burbing and the nausea, I really think I want this baby. But I am alone and lost and confused and afraid. And I thought I was past all of this… I never thought I would be here right now… And the fact that it is early days is of no consolation to me right now…
Well, here goes my twisted and somewhat romantic story.
I’m 16 years old, a month and a half pregnant, and the guy who fathered my child is over 3 hours away. Roughly 7 weeks ago, I was at summer camp – SAT summer camp, to be exact. While going to classes and attending study hall and bonding with my new friends, I met this guy…. We connected immediately. It was like I knew him my whole life – He was attractive, charming, intelligent (660 on his math section), and athletic. Everything I was into; he was into as well. We bonded for the rest of the 2 weeks, we were there. We were always together – It drove my camp friends wild. It was like we were in an exclusive relationship the way we argued and the way we loved. 2 times, we got intimate, but on the last day of camp, we exchanged necklaces with emotional attachment for each other to hold on to until we would meet again in life – Of course, tears were shed.
Since that last day of camp, we talked every day. 24/9. Texting and calling and myspacing. We then decided to make it official – We wanted to try the long distance relationship. We knew we could make it work… We knew it was meant to be. 3 1/2 weeks after the last day of camp, I decided to go to the local clinic because I wanted to see if well – I was YOU KNOW and well I was. Surprise, surprise. I told my love and he was just as shocked as I was. We are trying to make this work – Our parents aren’t happy, but they’re glad we’re being adult about it.
I came to this site for support… It’s hard only seeing him once a week until the baby comes when he’ll move in. But I need advice, love, and support. I found this site and knew I could get it from here.
My heart’s your home, my love is what wills you stay. My life is what yearns for you to live.
I never thought I would be here; it’s someone else’s life I am living. I didn’t kiss you goodbye. I am choking on the words I didn’t get to say to you, baby girl. I pray I get the chance one day. I still think you will be there like before. Some things a heart won’t listen to. I am still holding on for you… I can hear you smile in the dark, I can feel you breathing, Daylight chases the ghosts, I see you cold and I fall apart. Time is supposed to heal, but my heartache grows with each day you’re gone. I should get up and dry my eyes and move ahead. At least that’s what Daddy would have said. I’m still holding out for you. Faithfully, I trace your face as I sleep. It’s the only true comfort I feel, my darling angel. Above your face is in everything I see you in everything. I feel myself losing you at the same time, straining to hold onto you. I hold on to moments, faces, noises, laughs, even cries. Your life was full, though short. I hold onto every night that I held you to my heart and fed you from my person. I remember staring down at the little sucking face to eager and content. Your hair was dark, and you were the chubbiest baby. I was so tired, Angel. You never gave me a break. I look back at those nights I got to hold you and you trusted me with your every need. A bond so strong that I would have given my life for your mire fiber of happiness. I can hear the silent mule of your efforts and then silence, just me and you. I treasure those moments. I treasure the first time you realized I was your mom. You hurt yourself and looked up with those huge brown eyes, full of tears and reached for me. You lay your head on my shoulder and shuddered. You calmed in my arms, knowing you were safe. I could have held you all day. I carry these moments with my every moment of my day. I am still holding onto you Angel. You surely were a gift from God. People float through our lives to teach us. You were sent to me to teach me how to love. Love is the only wish I have for your sister or brother that grows inside me.
My wish is that they are loved.
I am 18 years old and just found out I am pregnant again.
The first time I got pregnant, I was sixteen years old and ended up getting an abortion because I felt as though it was the right decision at the time. I have known the father of my baby since I was 13 and we’ve dated on and off since that age. We were together for two and a half years steadily and then our entire relationship fell apart and we just recently got back together a month ago and now I am pregnant with his child again. He told me he would support me with whatever decision I make but also told me that he is leaning more towards an abortion because we both are still really young and having a child is a lot of responsibility and he doesn’t think I will be able to handle it mentally either.
Because of my first pregnancy resulting in abortion, I am really contemplating on whether or not to keep this child. I regretted having that abortion at times and now I don’t think it is fair to my unborn child that he/she doesn’t get to live because of mistakes that I have made. The truth is I am just plain scared and don’t know if I will be a good mother or if I will be able to handle parenthood at this age. I think it will destroy my relationship with my current boyfriend because of mood swings and we are currently on rocky terms as it is.
I don’t want to bring an unwanted child into this world or have the child and then have them go through the pain of having unmarried parents who don’t stay together and all of the tension and animosity that comes along with it.
I’m also uncertain about all of the responsibilities and how my parents will react, let alone the fact I will be completely destroying my body at such a young age. Not only that but I’m still not sure what I even want to do with my life financial wise and I can’t provide for myself independently let alone a child along with it.
So many things can also go wrong during pregnancy too and if all does go well and the baby comes out completely healthy, then that is just the beginning to a long road and the beginning of a completely different life and lifestyle. I don’t know maybe I am just being selfish but I also don’t understand that if my boyfriend really loved me, why wouldn’t he want me to have his child??
Could anyone please respond to this blog and give me advice without a completely biased opinion on what you think I should do.
Thank you
I knew whenever I started dating my fiance that he was different. I knew that he was the one. After only 2 months of us dating, I found out I was pregnant. I’m 20 years old. As irresponsible as it was, the pregnancy was planned; we used zero protection.
His giddiness was contagious and I wanted to keep the baby from the moment I found out I was pregnant. We told our parents the happy news the day we went to the doctor’s office.
My dad cried. That was the first time I’ve seen him cry since my mother died when I was 10. I hate disappointing my dad because I have to live up to the standard that my older-middle sister has set. (She moved away from home to go to college to study veterinary medicine, which is what my dad’s father studied.)
The first question he asked me was “What are you going to do?” I said, I don’t know. He just shook his head and suggested I get an abortion. Soon after, I told my sisters I was pregnant, and they both cried. They both suggested I get an abortion and they said they’d help pay for it.
This is not what I wanted. I wanted that baby so bad. But, being the good daughter that I wanted to be, I gave into my dad’s plan of getting an abortion, two days after Valentine’s Day.
I feel like I did it just to make my dad happy. And I hate myself for it.
If we would’ve kept the baby, we would’ve named it either Aiden Cole, or Scarlett Monroe.
I am pregnant now, but so much stuff has happened between then and now.
I was with my ex-boyfriend for a year when I decided ”I had to live” with him. I ran away from home because my parents didn’t accept him. I had just barely turned 17 at the time I left. I lived with him for 3 months when he started abusing me. I let it go on for another 4 months before I realized that was enough and went home. A week after I had came home, I noticed I had been feeling very sick to my stomach and really tired. I told my friend I thought I may be pregnant and finally took a home pregnancy test. It was positive. I cried so much at first cause I thought, “Why me. ” I told my parents and they were disappointed, but they were helping me also. I feel now that I am 3 months and a week into that, God gave me this baby. It’s almost like a lesson that I had taken my family for granted before, my mom especially, and now I realize it. My mother is my best friend now. The one thing that bothers me most is my ex. There is a restraining order on him, but I can’t seem to get him out of mind. I did love him a lot before and I feel that I still might. I’m very angry that he did do that to me, but I forgave him. I think a lot now because I’m afraid to be a single mother, and I wish that I could give my ex another chance to change. I don’t know why I care for him so much still. He tries to text my phone every so often, apologizing and saying that he still loves me. Part of me wants to accept and the other part wants to think it’s a lie because that’s all it was before. Please give me some advice as to what I should do.
Can a person like him change? As a soon-to-be mother, I want to protect my child.
