Questions of whether to have an abortion or to carry the pregnancy through is a question my own mother was faced with. She was in her second trimester when she found herself sick with German measles. Her doctor warned her of the complications that her illness would have upon her child… Her child would have no future, no normal life. Her child would be, if she lived, a burden on an already large family of five children and a husband who had lost his job that year. My mother was saddened by this news and made arrangements to see another doctor for a second opinion. His opinion was the same as the first, predicting the child would be deaf, blind, mentally retarded, cleft pallet…so many wrongs, and the world telling her it would be the merciful thing to do, to have an abortion.
Sharing this news with my dad, they, in their conscience, wanted to do the right thing, and they prayed. It seemed, my parents tell me, that the family had never prayed as much as they did that year. They waited and they prayed. And you know what? The baby continued to grow, and when time delivery came, the doctors were prepared for the worst, but to their incredulity, they found themselves confronted with a perfectly formed baby girl, responding regularly as all other newborns do.
And so began my life, precarious and uncertain as it may have seemed. I was given life by the courage and faith of two high school graduates who married young and scraped by. And they stood up against the professionals who believed they knew what was best. And I thank the Lord for their courage… I pray for each young woman confronted with this same question, that they will listen to the truth in their heart, to stand against the world who claims it knows what is better for her when all along what is right is known to her from within.
Okay, so now I’m 14 weeks and my mood swings are really starting to kick in.
I love the father of my child to death, and I know he loves me, but some days, I just want to choke the life out of him. I know this sounds harsh but at times I feel like he just isn’t listening to me. In my head, everything I tell him (during my mood swings) makes so much sense but he acts like I’m speaking French or something. I get so mad at him that I feel like our relationship will just not work, then 10 minutes later, I’m all lovey-dovey with him again. I know it’s super confusing for him, as well as it is for me. I know I’m not the only pregnant girl who has these mood swings. I just don’t want this to put a huge strain on our relationship. At times, I start to feel bi-polar because I cry, yell, and act crazy then at the same time, I want to smile and tell him how much I’m in love with him. Now don’t get me wrong, there are relevant reasons for my arguments with him, but in the end, I do take them extremely too far.
I really just don’t know what to do with my hormones…
So much has happened in the last few months of my life.
I’m living on my own now. I’m renting a townhouse in a city 40 miles from the town I grew up in. 40 miles from my family, younger friends, and boyfriend. Oddly, I’ve ended up rooming with my friend and my fabulous gay cousin. All of us are attending college and trying our best to survive our first year from home.
I finally told my parents. I took a pregnancy test at the health clinic and showed them the test results as proof. Needless to say, we barely touch on the subject. I feel like an alien when I stay at my parents’ house. I’m sure I broke my father’s heart in two. He occasionally hints about his dislike for my boyfriend, but that’s about it.
My boyfriend and I are okay now. It’s still a bit rocky, but he’s trying to help me through this the best he knows how. For a guy who pressured and harassed me about getting an abortion, he’s certainly come around. I showed him the ultrasound of our baby. I’ve never seen someone so scared and so proud at the same time. He tried not to show his excitement, but it was there.
We’re having a son. His name is Adrian and he’s the healthiest little dude in the whole world. He’s so beautiful, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to kill him.
Life has changed. I went from a married woman to a mom. Wow. That’s so insane!
I am having a lot of trouble adjusting, and am experiencing postpartum, and it’s hard. I didn’t think it was going to be this hard. My mother-in-law watches my daughter a lot, that’s where she spends most of her days. My doctor has advised me not to be alone with her for any extended amount of time, not that I would do anything to her. I don’t believe in hitting a child or anything like that. It’s just she doesn’t want me to panic, and lose control of myself in a different way. Hard to explain. Also, my grandmother, the woman who raised me, died this last Saturday.
So life is chaotic for me…
I’m 22 years old, I’ve read some of the blogs and I was really touched by a few. So touched that I decided to share my story with you.
10 months ago, I considered myself a lucky girl. I had a wonderful boyfriend (or so I thought at that time) who I loved and respected. We dated for 3 years and had a lot of fun whenever we were together.
At the beginning of this year, he was a senior in College and had a few job interviews in NY and CT. We had one of those long-distance relationships, but used to see each other a lot. He told me about the job interviews and asked me if I wanted to come along. They were paying for the hotel and everything so, immediately I said yes. We stayed in NY for 3 days and then went to CT, everything was wonderful… I even had the thought that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but it was never meant to be.
My whole life, I’ve been dealing with depression and one month after seeing each other, I had a really bad crisis and ended up in the hospital, all because I called one of those 1-800 numbers. 5 minutes later, the police was knocking on my door and a minute after, came an ambulance. I was not trying to kill myself, I only wanted to talk to someone. Instead, they decided that the best thing to do was to take me to the nearest hospital for further examinations.
When I got to the hospital, they did the usual, drew blood from me and examined my urine. When the Dr. came to talk to me, the first thing he tells me is; “Did you know you’re pregnant?” Immediately my jaw dropped. I asked the Dr. if he was being serious and he replied “I’m a Dr. I don’t joke about this stuff” I could not believe what I was hearing. I told him that it was not possible, that I was not supposed to ever get pregnant, because I had PCOS…. Somehow it seems, I’m one of the lucky ones wit PCOS.
I started crying. I was happy and so scared at the same time, because I knew that now was not the right time to have a child and I knew that my boyfriend would most likely be there for me, neither of us was ready. Neither of us had planned to get pregnant anytime soon.
An hour later, my parents got to the hospital, I told them the news and I wasn’t expecting their reaction at all, I thought that they were gonna be so upset, but instead they were very supportive and told me to go through with it, even if it meant to lose my boyfriend. The nightmare does not end there, since everyone in the hospital thought I was suicidal. They did not let me go home and decided to take me to the psychiatric Ct. I spent a night there, one of the worst nights of my life.
The next day, they released me and then it’s when reality struck me. I knew I had to tell my boyfriend, but I was so afraid…. When I finally got the courage to call him, as soon as he picked up tears started running down my cheeks, I could barely talk, he got concerned. So I told him about the horrible night I spent in the psych ct. and then I told him I was pregnant. His immediate reaction was; NO, NO, NO, NO!!! then I told him I was going to keep it, even if he was not going to be a part of it, that I had the support of my parents. He tried to convince me to get an abortion, but I just couldn’t see myself doing that. I knew that if did I would’ve probably ended up killing myself, because I would probably never forgive myself. So then his answer was; “I can’t do this, I’m not ready to be a dad….. I’m sorry…..” I got so angry that I told him to go to hell and hung up on him.
A few hours later, he called again. He was crying telling me that he didn’t want to lose me, that even though he was not ready for it he was “going to be there for me.” He started making plans, telling me that we should move in together depending on the job he was gonna take. He even told me to quit my job to move in with him if he decided to choose the job in CT, my response was no. I was not going to quit my job and let him take care of me. I knew I needed to make my own money without depending on him.
Now that I’m writing, I can’t help but wonder what it went wrong and get more confused than ever. He decided to come to my house and confront my parents. He spent a weekend here, then he went back. I thought he was serious about us, I thought well, he talked to my parents and they all seemed happy…. Maybe this IS going to work after all, but I was wrong.
When he went back to school, we kept in touch, talking on the phone and on line, everything seemed fine. One day though, out of the blue, he stopped calling me and I thought well, maybe he’s busy. He got finals and he’s stressed out and doesn’t want to talk. Days went by and not one call or e-mail, nothing. I decided to call him, he didn’t pick up, I left him a message, he never got back to me, I sent him a text message, he never replied. I started to get worried, naive me thought that maybe something bad had happened to him, although deep inside, there was always this thought that maybe he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby…. I did not want to believe that, so considering that he was not getting back to me, I decided to talk to his sister. I asked her if he was ok and she told me; “Yes, I just talked to him a couple of days ago and he seemed fine to me.” I realized then that he as indeed avoiding me. The next day, I got a text message from him saying; “I’m OK, please stop” and that was it.
I cried myself to sleep so many nights (I still do). I couldn’t understand why he was being like that, how can someone have the courage to say they’re going to do one thing and then do the complete opposite. I was devastated and at that moment I knew, that my child was going to grow up without knowing her dad.
Months passed and he never called or sent a message asking how I was doing. My whole pregnancy went by without a call from him. I’m blessed, because I had my friends and parents giving me all the support I needed, but yet I felt like something was missing and that something was him. But the guy I was in love with, was no longer this sweet and romantic guy that I once knew. He was more like a fantasy, a dream. He was trying to be someone he was not just to get what he wanted and then run away.
He knew when my due date was and not even then he called. My daughter was born right on my due date and when the Dr. told me that I was fully dilated, I couldn’t help but cry, because I wanted him to be there so bad. I cried uncontrollably and when I looked everyone in the room was crying. My mom and my best friends, they knew what I was thinking, they knew I was hurting and it meant a lot to me, because I realized that I may not have my man standing right next to me waiting for the arrival of our child, but I have wonderful people instead, people who care enough about me to be there for 12 looong hours helping me going through the whole labor and delivery.
My daughter is 6 weeks now and she’s the love of my life. She brings joy to my life and even though I still think about her dad, because in some sick way I should say, I still love him, I would never change a thing. Maybe my daughter won’t have the chance to know her dad, but she has 3 grandmas and counting a grandpa who loves her to death and though I don’t have any siblings, I have friends who are now aunts and uncles to my daughter and all the love from her mommy. So, yeah, she may not have the picture perfect family; dad, mom and herself. But is dad really needed when he was the one who decided to walk away without an explanation? When he never even cares to ask how his daughter was doing? I think not.
I may not be old enough and know how care for a child, but the truth is even the oldest people sometimes don’t know how to take care of a newborn. Why should I feel different or like what I did was wrong, to bring a baby without a father. I chose to follow my heart and that was the best and most challenging decision I’ve ever made in my life. I have no regrets, how could I, when I got the best gift in this world my sweet angel, my daughter, my soul, my everything.
So, if any of you out there are going through something similar, take it from me, it will all be worth it some day. Everything is going to be just fine because if you decide to go through with your pregnancy, you WILL be rewarded for it one day. And like me, once you hold your baby in your arms, you’ll know that there’s no love like a mother’s love, that all the tears and pain were all worth it and nothing else matters.
