Hi to all. Yes, I am a man. It still hurts. I am going to cut to the chase. I am 40 years old now and divorced. I was married to my high school sweetheart for 14 years and we had three amazing daughters.
At one point, my then-wife, for reasons unknown to me, decided not to tell me she was pregnant for the second time. Our first was only about two. I found out she was pregnant when we went on a road trip through Nevada. We were in the middle of nowhere between Vegas and Reno when she complained of bad cramps and wanted me to pull over. I complied. This is very hard for me to share!! Yet I must… I thought she was going pee. But when she got back in the car, I saw something in her face I can’t explain. I asked if she was okay. She answered, “Yes, let’s get out of here!!” Something in her tone made me scared. I turned off the car and went outside to look where she had been. I don’t know why I went to look. What I found was two, yes two, … God help me, this is hard!!! She admitted to me she had been taking speed in hopes it would abort the babies.. I can not continue…
I cry even to this day for the children I will never know.
Wow, so I’m stuck in a huge dilemma! I need HELP!
I am 3 Weeks pregnant & I am 15 years old. I have a very religious, strict family. My parents are super strict with me because I am the youngest of the family. Family of 5 and I am the only girl. It makes it more difficult knowing that they trust me so much and I went off and did something that they are not going to approve of. I don’t want to tell them because I’m scared of what their reaction is going to be. The baby’s daddy is my boyfriend and he wants me to get an abortion, by having an abortion, you have to let your parents know & I have no idea how I’m gunna let them know. I don’t want to have an abortion, just because I thought it was always a bad thing to do. I mean, I’m young, very young, & of course, I’m not ready to have a baby, but I’m just so scared of what the results of letting my parents & brothers know is going to be. My boyfriend & I have been together for 2 years. He’s always been there for me & he is 18. So me getting pregnant from an adult, cause of course I’m considered a minor, is going to be a huge deal when my parents find out. I have no idea of what i am going to do.
I’m really scared & I need HELP! Soon =( Please help!
I used to think the most horrible thing a woman could go through was when someone she loved left her, but now I know that it’s when she loses something that grows inside of her, a tiny little thing that she created- dies. Especially if it happens to her twice. I never thought I would be the pregnant girl. I never thought any of that would ever happen to me, Worse yet, I didn’t even know when it was happening.
There I was, 14, sad and alone. That night, my boyfriend had just broken up with me, I had found out by my best friend who had been I-Ming him and said she wouldn’t tell me anything he said, but did. I found out that he didn’t love me anymore, because I depressed him, and he couldn’t take listening to me anymore. I confronted him on it, by calling him on the telephone and he said how sorry he was, but that it was just better if we stayed friends. This was the boy I had lost my virginity to. I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me, but I was wrong. Anyway, I called him about 4 times screaming at him about the whole thing. He just cried a little. I knew he felt bad for what he had done.
I was so uneducated about sex. I was absolutely not ready to have it despite what I thought. At my old school last year, we went into a brief introduction of it, we learned how to put on a condom, but we never really discussed the emotion or pain that went into it. All they said was just try not to have it. They went into major S.T.D’s like A.I.D.S, and how pregnancy can affect your life, but that was about it. They never explained pre-ejaculation or how you could get pregnant on your period. I found out both of these things the hardway.
We didn’t even use protection. We were both so uneducated He would always stop before, but that didn’t help because of pre-ejaculation as I mentioned in the last paragraph. We were each others’ 1st, I knew that for a fact, but now as I type this I wish I would have never had sex ever!
I decided to take a nice hot relaxing bath an hour later to try and calm down. I had been having what I thought were period cramps all day, but actually they were much worse than period cramps, it hurt oh so bad. Any way in the past month, I had been noticing some changes in my body. I was getting angry more easily and sad more easily. (That’s what made me call my boyfriend and cry about things to him I think) I also wanted to eat a lot more, but I didn’t know what it was. I didn’t even really pay attention to it. I just went on with life. Any way as I sat in the bath, blood was fast coming out of me, until it seemed like the entire bath was filled with it. I was sitting in a pool of my own blood wondering why this much blood was coming out of me, and then I felt a giant blood clot come out. It seemed like it didn’t want to come out very easily so I pulled it out with my fingers, and screamed to what I discovered. It wasn’t a blood clot. It was a baby! It was my baby! It was a little embryo that wasn’t yet fully developed, but I could see the little tiny black eyes as they seemed to be colored. It was a little bigger then the size of a penny
I didn’t even know I was pregnant! I started crying madly. How could I have been so stupid! How could I have not known! Was there anything I could have done to save it? Anything at all!? I felt my soul leave my body. My child was dead, my little sweet angel who I never knew was inside me was dead. I decided to call my boyfriend and tell him, but his mom answered the phone that time and said how I needed to stop calling. I told her I had something really important to share with him, but she said “No, (my name). You’ve said what you’ve needed to say. You’re done. It’s time to call it a night”. “OK, sorry.” I said, “Bye”. She didn’t even say bye, she just hung up. I always hated her. She was always such a mean person.
I then looked down at my baby again, cupping it in my hands, crying, kissing it, saying how sorry I was, but I knew what had to be done. I had to flush it down the toilet. I obviously couldn’t bury it. I got up out of the bath with the tears streaming down my face. I stood over the toilet, closed my eyes, held my hand out, and dropped it in. I heard it plop and that was heartbreaking. With my eyes still closed, I closed the lid of the toilet and flushed. I sat down very slowly leaning against the wall. I began to prey to God. “Please” I said “I never knew”. “how could I never ever know”?
Two nights later, I had a dream about a girl in a white dress. She looked like me, only she had dark brown hair like my boyfriend. Was this my daughter, my dead daughter? If so, I would have named her Andromeda, and called her Andy for short. I looked at her, she was so beautiful. There seemed to be a light around her that meant to me that she was so pure. She was just smiling at me, holding my hand. I smiled back at her. She then slowly let go of my hand turned and walked into what seemed like a great void of light. Andy, come back! I screamed in my mind, but she kept walking away into the light. That’s when I woke up and there seemed to be an aura of light leaving the room the moment I woke up. I felt at peace a little, but also I was still terribly sad.
The next night, I called and told him. He was upset that he was the father of a dead baby, though it didn’t really seem like it to me. He seemed to be more interested in this other girl he knows and trying to figure out her problems rather then try to help me through mine. I got mad and decided to get off of the phone. It made me mad. I was the mother of his dead baby and he just wanted to talk to this other girl. I got off of the phone and cried about the baby more.
I hadn’t eaten in 4 days, and only had 2 glasses of water in that time. My eyes were red from all the tears that were coming every day. I didn’t have anyone to lean on except for the boy who had ripped out my heart in my opinion, and I guess that’s pretty pathetic. My mother and father certainly would have been no help, I couldn’t tell my friends and my sister told me if I ever got pregnant, she would be so ashamed of me. Any way the next morning, something so horrible happened to me I had hoped it wouldn’t happen again.
There I was in the shower, trying to calm down, letting the soap run all over me. I had noticed the night before my underwear was covered in blood. I thought it was just my period. I was having my period, but it was the same bad cramps as the time before. “Oh no” I thought starting to cry. “No, not again”, “I can’t go through this again”. Then it came out, the second baby. It slipped out unlike its’ sister. It came out fine. I didn’t have to pull it out. It fell on the shower floor, not even making a noise when it hit. I know what killed that one. I did, it was lack of nourishment that I failed to give it, because of all I had to deal with in the past 4 days. I could have saved my little boy, but no. Instead, I killed him. I ended his life. I’ve murdered my son and my daughter has gone of her own accord.
I fell to my knees. I didn’t know I was pregnant, let alone pregnant with twins. I couldn’t breath. I laid there for an hour and let all the water hit me. I just laid there and cried. I didn’t grab this one with my hands. I left it on the shower floor, and it went down the drain, I didn’t see it, but it wasn’t there when I got the strength to get up. I cried so hard for my two little babies that were dead.
I told my boyfriend about it the next morning, who said he was so sorry for getting me pregnant and for what I had to go through. I was a mess. I couldn’t eat or sleep. He seemed like he was crying over the phone. I’ve died inside. My world has been brought down forevermore
The next night, I had another dream. It was about a boy who looked a lot like me, but also had Matt’s dark brown hair. He was also dressed in white and holding my hand, smiling and then the same as his sister, he turned and walked towards the light. He also seemed to have a pure aura of light around him like Andy. Please come back! I screamed in my mind. I felt a little at peace, but it didn’t help me much
Now as I sit here typing this, I think to the future. My babies would have been born in late August. I would have had a little girl named Andromeda Beth and a little boy named Shepherd Milo, but thinking about that just makes me even more sad. I don’t know what to do. My hair is falling out. I can’t eat or sleep either. You don’t know what it’s like to sit in a pool of your own blood and see your daughter dead before your eyes, or to not even expect the death of your son and be taking a shower and he just slips out of you. Shepherd! Andy! Even though I never knew either of you, know that I love you!
Even though I never knew that inside me you grew, you both were my life, love, and everything. Can you ever forgive your mother for being such a fool? They were my soul. Each of those two little beautiful creatures, but now they’re gone. I could have saved Shepherd is the sad thing. My soul has been ripped from me. I don’t know what to do! Please help!
Dear baby of mine,
This is the dream of every women, right? Being pregnant, have a baby, and live happily ever after… Well, not mine! I don’t want to be a mom! Not yet! Please give me back everything I fought so hard for my entire life… My parents who I’m gonna lose because of you. Your daddy, the love of my life, who I’m gonna lose because of you. My friends who I’m gonna lose because of you. My childhood which I’m gonna lose because of you… And I know it just isn’t fair to blame you. You don’t have anything to do with this! You didn’t chose any of this… I truly deeply love you already, and still every day I’m hoping that somehow, everything will go back to normal… Please dear baby of mine leave me, and then again… Please, dear baby of mine, never ever leave me…
I love you…
Mom
Ultrasound Tuesday said I was 6 weeks, 1 day. Doctor said I am due 8-8. I reminded him that because of the diabetes, last time he planned to deliver me one month early. He planned to deliver me on Tuesday, but the baby decided to be born a month early anyway, on Saturday. Surprise!
I do not know of the doctor’s faith, but he made one, really quick statement –he was not worried. Yeah, after telling me all the things he wanted to do and what bad things I could expect, Down Syndrome being the number one possible “problem”. He will have me do an amniocentesis as soon as physically possible to find out. He had me do a 24-hour urine collection (mostly for kidney function, but also for creatinine and other things), had a few tubes of blood sucked out, and the second ultrasound. You know, I think he is doing better for me, as a diabetic, than my primary care physician. He has common sense and experience, not just book smarts. My PCP just waits for problems; she does not do safety checks (like the 24-hour urine). I never want bad news, but if there is a problem, I would like to know asap so it can be treated or so progress can be delayed.
I got pregnant on Nov 13 or 14. The last ultrasound was done on Tues, Dec 16. Technically, I was only 1 month pregnant, but the test showed the baby’s heartbeat and I got to hear it too. Wow! I had no idea it happened so soon. I saw a bumper sticker today that said “abortion stops a beating heart”. Well, that is true, even this early. The live-motion picture (ultrasound) was amazing. I actually saw the little, tiny heart beating even though you still can not make out that the miniscule form is a real baby. You can not see arms, legs, or even which end will be the head, but there was the heart — just beating away. Unbelievable!
Next appointment is Jan 7. Dr. will have all the test results by then so I will be able to see where things stand as far as my health and what he thinks needs to be done next. This can almost be guaranteed to not be your usual pregnancy. He told me that he will want to see me every 3 weeks at the beginning, working up to once per week, then 2-3 times per week near the end (July/August). With my first baby, I had to spend all of weeks 35 and 36 in the hospital just so I could be watched. Crappy thing, because of the diabetes, I had to stay another whole week after the baby was born. Grrr! 3 whole weeks in the hospital and I was just days from being 22 years old. Can you imagine my impatience at that age? LOL
Boring, slightly unrelated stuff:
1.) Called daughter’s school today about visiting the alternative school. I was told they would figure when we could then they would call me back.
2.) Called lawyer about car wreck I was in in October. I have to look into getting physical therapy so he can have more evidence to support my case that I believe he will take on. I may give more info on this later.
3.) Had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands – one in May, one in June. Found out today I have “trigger thumb” in my left thumb and have to have surgery in January. Yay! The fun never ends. Sense the sarcasm? LOL. That makes the third x-ray I have had since I have been pregnant. The first one was for the headaches I have been having since the car wreck (thus prompting the law suit — especially since my claim was dropped when the girl who hit me would not contact her insurance company and they would not pay out for damages). The second one was a chest x-ray because of bronchitis-like symptoms I have had since May. I did not know I was pregnant (not quite 2 weeks) when I had them, but knew it was a possibility — because I was not on birth control and had been watching for ovulation dates. They had me wear a lead vest for those, and today, they had me wear one on the front and on the back. Thank the Lord for that.
2:09 am – time to quit. Til next time. . .
