I never knew, I never thought it would be me
I used to think the most horrible thing a woman could go through was when someone she loved left her, but now I know that it's when she looses something that grows inside of her, a tiny little thing that she created- dies. Especially if it happens to her twice. I never thought I would be […]

I used to think the most horrible thing a woman could go through was when someone she loved left her, but now I know that it's when she looses something that grows inside of her, a tiny little thing that she created- dies. Especially if it happens to her twice. I never thought I would be the pregnant girl I never thought any of that would ever happen to me, worse yet I didn't even know when it was happening.


There I was 14, sad and alone. That night my boyfriend had just broken up with me, I had found out by my best friend Rachael who had been I-Ming him and said she wouldn't tell me anything he said, but did. I found out that he didn't love me anymore, because i depressed him, and he couldn't take listening to me anymore. I confronted him on it, by calling him on the telephone and he said how sorry he was, but that it was just better if we stayed friends. This was the boy I had lost my virginity to. I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me, but I was wrong. Anyway I called him about 4 times screaming at him about the whole thing. He just cryed a little I knew he felt bad for what he had done.

I was so uneducated about sex I was absolutely not ready to have it despite what I thought. At my old school last year we went into a brief introduction of it, we learned how to put on a condom, but we never really discussed the emotion or pain that went into it. All they said was just try not to have it, they went into major S.T.D's like A.I.D.S, and how pregnancy can affect your life, but that was about it. They never explained pre-ejaculation or how you could get pregnant on your period. I found out both of these things the hardway. 

We didn't even use protection. We were both so uneducated  He would always stop before, but that didn't help because of pre-ejaculation as I mentioned in the last paragraph. We were each others 1st I knew that for a fact, but now as I type this I wish I would have never had sex ever!



I decided to take a nice hot relaxing bath an hour later to try and calm down. I had been having what I thought were period cramps all day, but actually they were much worse than period cramps, it hurt oh so bad. Any way in the past month I had been noticing some changes in my body I was getting angry more easily and sad more easily. (That's what made me call my boyfreind and cry about things to him I think) I also wanted to eat alot more, but I didn't know what it was. I didn't even really pay attention to it. I just went on with life. Any way as I sat in the bath blood was fast coming out of me, until it seemed like the entire bath was filled with it. I was sitting in a pool of my own blood wondering why this much blood was comming out of me, and then I felt a giant bloodclot come out. It seemed like it didn't want to come out very easily so I pulled it out with my fingers, and screemed to what I discovered. It wasn't a blood clot. It was a baby! It was my baby! It was a little embryo that wasn't yet fully developed, but I could see the little tiny black eyes as they seemed to be colored. It was a little bigger then the size of a penny

I didn't even know I was pregnant! I started crying madly. How could I have been so stupid! How could I have not known! Was there anything I could have done to save it? Anything at all!? I felt my soul leave my body my child was dead, my little sweet angel who I never knew was inside me was dead. I decided to call Matt (my boyfreinds' name) and tell him, but his mom answered the phone that time and said how I needed to stop calling. I told her I had something really important to share with him, but she said "no Elli" (my name) "you've said what you've needed to say your done, it's time to call it a night". "Ok sorry" I said, "bye". She didn't even say bye she just hung up. I always hated her she was always such a mean person.


I then looked down at my baby again cupping it in my hands, crying kissing it, saying how sorry I was, but I knew what had to be done, I had to flush it down the toilet. I obviously couldn't bury it. I got up out of the bath with the tears streaming down my face. I stood over the toilet, closed my eyes, held my hand out and dropped it in. I heard it plop and that was heartbreaking. With my eyes still closed I closed the lid of the toilet and flushed. I sat down very slowly leaning against the wall. I began to prey to God. "Please" I said "I never knew". "how could I never ever know"?

Two nights later I had a dream about a girl in a white dress she looked like me only she had dark brown hair like Matt. Was this my daughter my dead daughter? If so I would have named her Andromeda, and called her Andy for short. I looked at her, she was so beautiful their seemed to be a light around her that meant to me that she was so pure, she was just smiling at me, holding my hand. I smiled back at her. She then slowly let go of my hand turned and walked into what seemed like a great void of light. Andy come back! I screamed in my mind, but she kept walking away into the light. That's when I woke up and their seemed to be an aura of light leaving the room the moment I woke up. I felt at peace a little, but also I was still terribly sad.


The next night I called Matt and told him he was upset that he was the father of a dead baby, though it didn't really seem like it to me. He seemed to be more interested in this girl he knows named Liz and trying to figure out her problems rather then try to help me through mine. I got mad and decided to get off of the phone. It made me mad I was the mother of his dead baby and he just wanted to talk to Liz. I got off of the phone and cried about the baby more.


I hadn't eaten in 4 days, and only had 2 glasses of water in that time. My eyes were red from all the tears that were coming every day. I didn't have anyone to lean on accept for the boy who had ripped out my heart in my opinion, and I guess that's pretty pathetic. My mother and father certainly would have been no help, I couldn't tell my freinds and my sister told me if I ever got pregnant she would be so ashamed of me. Any way the next morning something so horrible happened to me I had hoped it wouldn't happen again.


There I was in the shower trying to calm down letting the soap run all over me. I had noticed the night before my underwhere was covered in blood. I thought it was just my period. I was having my period, but it was the same bad cramps as the time before. "Oh no" I thought starting to cry. "No not again", "I can't go through this again". Then it came out the second baby it slipped out unlike its' sister. It came out fine, I didn't have to pull it out. It fell on the shower floor not even making a noise when it hit. I know what killed that one. I did, it was lack of nourishment that I failed to give it, because of all I had to deal with in the past 4 days. I could have saved my little boy, but no instead I killed him. I ended his life. I've murdered my son and my daughter has gone of her own accord.


I fell to my knees I didn't know I was pregnant let alone pregnant with twins. I couldn't breath I layed there for an hour and let all the water hit me. I just layed there and cryed. I didn't grab this one with my hands I left it on the shower floor, and it went down the drain, I didn't see it, but it wasn't there when I got the strength to get up.  I cried so hard for my two little babies that were dead.

 I told Matt about it the next morning who said he was so sorry for getting me pregnant and for what I had to go through. I was a mess. I couldn't eat or sleep. Matt seemed like he was crying over the phone. I've died inside. My world has been brought down forevermore

The next night I had another dream it was about a boy who looked a lot like me, but also had Matt's dark brown hair. He was also dressed in white and holding my hand, smiling and then the same as his sister he turned and walked towards the light. He also seemed to have a pure aura of light around him like Andy. Please come back! I screamed in my mind. I felt a little at peace, but it didn't help me much


Now as I sit here typing this, I think to the future. My babies would have been born in late August. I would have had a little girl named Andromeda Beth and a little boy named Shepherd Milo, but thinking about that just makes me even more sad. I don't know what to do. My hair is falling out, I can't eat or sleep either. You don't know what it's like to sit in a pool of your own blood and see your daughter dead before your eyes, or to not even expect the death of your son and be taking a shower and he just slips out of you. Shepherd! Andy! Even though I never knew either of you, know that I love you!


Even though I never knew that inside me you grew, you both were my life, love, and everything. Can you ever forgive your mother for being such a fool? They were my soul. Each of those two little beautiful creatures, but now their gone. I could have saved Shepherd is the sad thing. My soul has been ripped from me. I don't know what to do! Please help!

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