Timing

I’m 19 years old. A few years ago, I went through an incredibly rough time, struggling with depression and a lot of fighting in my family. The result was that I fell behind a year in school. I took a turn for the better and got my life on track. I’m proud to say – even though it took some extra time – that I graduated in June of this year. I got accepted to university and my program starts in September. This is the first time in my life I feel as if the people around me really feel proud of who I’ve become.

Today, though, I found out I’m pregnant. I am blessed to have the most supportive man in the world as my boyfriend, so he is behind me 100%. He and I both feel as if this baby is ours. We didn’t for a second even consider abortion. I truly am grateful I didn’t have to struggle through that. The things that have me worried are the judgment of the people in our lives, and what this means for my future plans.

Can I even go through university trying to raise a child? I feel like it’s not possible, especially for me. I can’t handle a crazy amount of stress. If I tried to juggle the family alongside school I might go insane. I am perfectly fine with postponing my education or even sacrificing it for the sake of this little one. But if I did, what could I do to support my baby while my boyfriend is in school for 4 years? I know I couldn’t ask him to give up his university plans. It’s not cheap supporting a child, I know that.

Do any girls out there have stories and advice on what you did to manage finances when your baby came into the world? I’m a little more than scared. Excited and already in love with this miracle, but never more terrified. I only want the best for my baby.

Dear Me

Dear me,

I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no purpose, no reason for living. I’m 17, almost 18, and I’m even more lost than I was when I was in grade 6, even more lost than when I was assaulted. Even more lost than I was the second time I was assaulted… Even more lost than when I ran away for the tenth time, even more hopeless than I was when I woke up from taking 67 pills of ibuprofen.

Why am I here?? I have no reason! I’m seen as selfish, and spoiled, and when I was growing up the only way my mom knew to try to keep me “under control” was by spoiling me. I got an iPod. I got dance lessons, but this all happened after I was torn into pieces, after my sense of dignity and strength was ripped from me! So yeah I cut myself. Yeah, I spread lies because I didn’t understand what I was saying! I didn’t want attention! I wanted someone to reach out and tell me I wasn’t alone! I wanted someone to help me, to tell me it’s OK, that none of what happened was my fault!

So I started dating, trying to find any place to belong. That’s not how it started, of course. At first, I just wanted others to feel my pain, so that they understood what I was going through. I fell in love with falling in love and once that feeling was gone, so was I.

Then in grade 10, I almost had sex with someone just to feel. I knew it was wrong so I stopped myself, though withy my next boyfriend I couldn’t. I got drunk for the first time. I lost control, and I lost myself even more. So I kept it up. I kept having sex. I became two different people, one was the “normal TJ” I had become. The other me was the one behind the door, the one that could keep going, the inner redhead, I call her.

She’d only come out when the door was closed. When I felt empty, she came out. And with my two boyfriends (the one I lost it to and the one after him), I felt empty a lot. So she came out, a lot.

I had a miscarriage in February and I didn’t tell anyone until now. It still hurts though… Talking to people about it doesn’t help and I’ve been a subject of judgement my entire life…

Here I am now… I might be pregnant, I’m in China, I don’t have a decent job. I’m struggling to finish high school. I’m hoping to go to university, but in reality, if I’m not pregnant, if I don’t have a reason to live. What’s the point?

They can see me as selfish all they want, but I’m lost, hopeless, and I feel alone…

Dear future me,

Tell me, did it get easier? Did I have my baby? Was I even pregnant? Or did I finally break after having one straw too many?

Did I give up?

Dear me,

I hope I had my baby… I hope I made a better future for myself and for my baby… I hope my baby makes me a better person.

Talk to you later me,

Show me a picture from the future, show it to me in my dreams.

looks can be deciving

How well do we ever know the one we love? I always thought that I was enough for my husband, but I found out the hard way that I am not. In all due fairness, I haven’t found any proof that he is cheating on me physically, but rather emotionally and electronically. He gets off on looking at other women naked and playing with themselves. I have no idea what to do. I went through the computer at home and found that he had downloaded porn pictures onto our personal computer. I have hidden them in a different folder, but he is more intelligent than me when it comes to computers so I know he will find them.

Just yesterday, I went on to the history of our internet and found that he had been going on all these different chat rooms or actual sex sites. The three that I found the most of are cam4.com, jasminlive.com, and ladies.com. The other one that I saw, but not a lot of is Bianca something. Then to make matters worse, russianbrides.com and localsluts.com keep sending my husband e-mails. The one thing that makes this all even worse is that we haven’t even been married for a year yet. We have a son and another baby on the way.

I don’t know what to make of all of this. I feel so unloved. It feels as though my husband is not attracted to me and the only way that he can stand to have sex with me is to picture one of those sex.com women and think that he is having sex with them instead of me. I can’t even talk to him about it as he has this way of making it feel like it is all my fault. I picked up weight after having my son.

I don’t know how to lose the weight after a C-section. I have tried. It seems to be so much harder. I feel like such a fat pig after every meal that I have. On top of it, if I don’t eat, I get into trouble with my husband. Yes, I know I need to eat for the sake of the baby. But why do I need to eat after?  I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore. So I always think if I can’t stand to look at myself anymore, then why should I blame him for the same reason? He can’t stand to look at me anymore.

After I have this baby, is it wrong to say that I will lose the weight right way or wrong in 3 months? I don’t care whether I kill myself in the process anymore.  I just want my husband to look at me the way that he did before I started to show with my son. I miss the way that he used to touch me and the way he would hold me. He used to be so different before I picked up all this weight. He used to like to hold my hand in public, and kiss me more than just twice a day. Hell, we used to make love 3 to 4 times a week. Now I am lucky if we have sex once every 2 weeks. I feel so emotional all the time and don’t know how to get over it.

He always talks about other women and how he should get a lover to do things with him. Or how big our store room is and that he will turn it into a nice place and we can keep other women there. He will test all of them out once a week. In this, he is talking about the Russian brides. I mean have you seen those women? They are gorgeous.

I need help and have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. Everyone in this town knows how to stab a person in the back. I don’t have friends and I can’t talk to my husband about my feelings. He tends to get cross with me. I tried to talk to him once when I found him masturbating in the shower. To what I don’t know all he said to me was that it’s something every guy does and then told me that if I told anyone, then there would be hell to pay. At this time, we were only married for 2 months and had been together for a year and 5 months.

I hate myself everyday that I go through this. I just need someone to talk to someone that won’t judge me or take his side someone that won’t stab me in the back someone that understands.

You could also just leave your comments. I would really like that to.

I am now 5 and a half months pregnant.

Major stress!!

Hello everybody!

I am a single mama of 4 kids.  I am 35.  My situation in life is quite a bit different than other stories I have been reading on here. I am in the middle of a divorce.  I was married for almost 12 years.  My ex was addicted to porn and I had enough.  I was a stay-at-home mom. Now I have to join the workforce.  I am completely stressed over money and other things.  I thought I had found the man of my dreams.  He was awesome when we first started dating.  I should have seen the red flags though.  The baby mama of his 3 kids is psycho!!!

When she found out about me, she told him that he was never going to see his kids again.  He ended up not talking to me at all for about 2 weeks.  I finally got him to talk to me again, but our relationship has been different ever since.  We have been dating for almost 5 months.  I just found out last week that I am pregnant.  I have got so many things running through my head.  I almost went and had an abortion.  I’m scared that my ex is going to tell my kids things to turn them away from me.  I’m afraid to tell my parents because this is how my marriage started several years ago.  I am ashamed of myself for making the same mistake twice in my life.

My sister is also pregnant and her due date is 2 days ahead of mine.  She has struggled for years to get pregnant and staying pregnant.  She has had 3 miscarriages and one was at 14 weeks.  I am so scared to tell her and don’t know the right time to tell her either.  My boyfriend seems to be mad at me for being pregnant.  He is very busy with work and I’m scared I’m gonna have to do this all by myself.  I just don’t think I can handle it.  Still contemplating what to do.  If I go through with the pregnancy and give it up for adoption, I’m worried about what that is going to tell my kids.  I don’t want them to think that I will ever give them up.  If I keep the baby, I’m going to be doing this all on my own.  If I have an abortion, I don’t have to worry about that stuff, but I know it will eat me up inside forever.  I’m so stressed about everything that my body is rebelling against me too and I am having a few health problems.  I feel like there is no way out of this!!

My 4D ultrasound

So yesterday at 1:30, I got my 4D ultrasound done. 🙂

It was amazing to be able to see my son with that much detail. 🙂 It was so cute when he yawned while I was getting it done. 🙂

My only concern is while I was having the ultrasound done he kept his hand up beside his face the whole time. :/ Every ultrasound I have gotten his hand is always there and I am very afraid that his hand may be attached to his face. 🙁 I will still love him and all but he would either have to have surgery after he was born or later in life to have it removed from his face. 🙁 But then again, he could just like his hand there, but I am worried that he will be born with his hand attached to his face.

Has anyone else had this thought or problem? Does anyone know if they can tell you before the baby is born if, in fact, it will be born like that?