So yesterday was the worst day of my life!
My “best friend”(not speaking to any of these people anymore) my cousin, my sister, and my baby’s dad all betrayed me. My baby’s dad was flirting with my cousin and my “best friend” before I found out I was pregnant. I am now 5 months along and I am just finding out about this. It feels like everyone is in on everything and I have no information on my own life. My sister of all people should’ve told me something but she didn’t wanna ruin any of my happiness but it is my right to know my own business. I mean, everyone knew about this but me. I swear as I get bigger, the more people I’m losing. I never thought I would be pregnant, let alone doing it on my own. It sucks going to doctor’s appointments alone and having no one to share this happiness with. The only good thing about my life right now is the fact that I’m going to have a child to call my own to love and to cherish.
Just wish I didn’t feel so lonely all the time.
Today, my thoughts are in high gear about kids, kids with babies. The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the Western industrialized world. Teen pregnancy costs the United States at least $7 billion annually. I never considered educating myself on these statistics or any of the other information and articles that can be found on the 24,500,000, hits on the web. It just didn’t seem to be a necessity, until the epidemic came to the small town of Parrsboro, population approximately 1600. Last year, five young girls gave birth under the age of 17 years, my own fifteen-year-old being the youngest of these.
I would never have thought my little girl would be a victim of teenage sex. Only months before her secrets were revealed, we were discussing intercourse. “I don’t think I’ll like sex.” She told me. “I’m just going to do the deed to have kids and be done.” I laughed at that time and told her sex, when you’re older and married, is one of the most beautiful intimate experiences one can have. I never considered the choices that were beginning to unravel for her that day. My baby, the lover, in our family, wanting steps and ex’s to be her aunts and uncles. This is a girl who passionately loves her brother and sister. Yet one day, almost a year and six months ago, I’m looking at her prom pictures and something strikes me odd. She’s holding onto her boyfriend with the strangest grasp. I try to convince myself that I’m exaggerating, yet the picture provokes feelings of dread. The look I see on my little girl is not one of innocent abandon, excited about prom. No. She seems weirdly attached, panicked… holding tight for…? I file my thoughts away and make a mental note to talk with her later….
Later, we’re driving to Amherst, the closest town that has a Wal-Mart and a Dollar store. It’s her brother’s graduation and we are getting supplies for his party. I love the chance to travel with my kids. They’re enjoyable, funny, and nice. They’re not perfect. They’ve had their share of poor marks, nights out too late, answering back, but as my mother always shares with me, “They’re good kids, they’re not into drugs, and they haven’t been arrested.” I nod my head and acknowledge this to be true. In today’s world, raising kids is like navigating through a strong current of shark invested waters, every kind of temptation and vice, circling around waiting to take its bite. The pressures for kids are overwhelming. I breathe a sigh of relief, mom is right. My kids are for the most part doing OK. There is so much to feel blessed about.
I like listening to my kids share about their lives and the engaging way they share with me and one another. Today is no different. We’re sharing about everything. She has always been blunt. We talk about her sister in Hawaii and how well she’s doing, her brother graduating, and other small talk. Finally, she gets to a point, looking out the window, she says, “I don’t know if I’m going to do well this year in school, but next year for sure, I’m going to try my best. ”
All at once, I see an open door. I take this opportunity to bring up every reason why, in the past she has not done well. She was so obsessed with a boyfriend she should not even have, too much time playing WOW, more fixated on things she thinks she needs, but does not. And finally, I threw in, “… and you can’t fool me, I know you’re having sex.” Why I said that? I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s just the compulsive intuition of a mother, or the signs that were never acknowledged, but felt. I would like to think it’s the hopeful naiveté of thinking, “my child would never do that” and the confirmation of that making it reality. This was not the case.
“OK, mom, you want to know the truth?” “I’m pregnant, and I can’t live with you anymore.”
It’s out now, as simple as that. No apologies, no remorse, stoic. I can’t read anything in that sweet little face that looks rather bland at the moment. I don’t think I could’ve at that moment anyway. A flood of emotions emanates from every human part of me. My head is throbbing, my heart is beating rapidly, every emotion my little girl should be feeling is transferred to me with that blank look. I pull over. It’s times like these when one needs a better perspective on life. I’m a Christian, for goodness sake. Perhaps, something more productive would have been to pray at that moment. I should have asked a mighty God for direction, something; anything but at this moment, only humanness prevails. I grab her head by her hair and start pulling it and screaming, what have you done?!
I’m going through the toughest time right now.
It seems like I’ve FINALLY gotten over the morning sickness phase, but life isn’t any easier. My boyfriend (& father of the baby) has been bugging me non-stop about making love. He doesn’t seem to understand that I just don’t want to, not to mention almost every time I do, I get UTI. Where’s the fun in that? So now, he’s never satisfied. I feel bad but at the same time, I have to do what’s right for me.
Pff, if only HE was the pregnant one.
Dear Becky,
This year for me was meant to be my personal and financial growth year. I lost my father three years ago on March 26. I made strict goals for this year. I met the love of my life in this year, and September 9th, I urinated on a stick and saw what was the most frightening realization ever. My world crashed on this day, thinking this is not me, I’m an ambitious hard worker, not a mom. I don’t know how to be both and I’m not going to try. I then found out about abortion clinics, told my partner and he asked me if I really wanted to go through with the abortion. If yes or no, he will support me throughout. That made me forget about the aftermath and I just focused on “us”. September 11th I found out I was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The Monday that followed I took the abortion pill and went through the trauma of keeping this secret from my family and suffering by myself, no one to hold me or cry with me, although my partner kept apologizing about the pain and calling me, asking me what he could do. That still did not help a thing.
I have been through this ordeal and had no one to hold. I go through each day with a smile that’s forced onto my face. I pretend I’m fine, or my answer to everything “how are you”, how’s your day” is always “fine”. I was once the girl that made everyone want to be alive and i was the girl who didn’t go a day without laughing. I now am the one in need of that girl to make me want to live again.
My partner is the sweetest and most caring man. I just feel we’re still young and such things should only be discussed when we’re older and are able to handle my breakdown. I now dig my head into work overload, and I’m distancing myself from him. I struggle to make conversation or rather, I struggle to communicate with him and he’s feeling very excluded and sad about this. These thoughts are holding me back from enjoying life.
How do I move on from this?
I was 9 weeks when I had gotten an abortion.
I had gotten a abortion because my boyfriend wasn’t ready to have a kid. But then after I had done it, I realized that I shouldn’t of done it. I regret it every day of my life. I wish I didn’t do it but I know that I cant change what I did. But I will live with this pain for the rest of my life and I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m still with him and all we do is fight because I blame him for it but he says it was for the better but I think that if I kept it, I would of been in a better spot than I am now. My mother didn’t think i should of gotten it so she kicked me out before I even went to go get it done. After it was done, no one in my family wanted to talk to me so I had to go live with my friends which was hard to do. Now I am living with my sister till my boyfriend can find us a place. I have no job, no car license.
I just can’t do it.
I’m 8 weeks prego today.
Oct, Sunday 10th around midnight, my boyfriend and I had sex. I had to stop having sex with him cuz I started bleeding down there. It only lasted about a half an hour. And for the past few days, I’ve been hurting down there. I’m really scared. I think I lost the baby but I’m not sure. I’m scared to go to the doctor’s and find out…
If you know anything that can help me, please let me know. Please and thank you
