2009 for me was meant to be my personal and financial growth year, i lost my father in 2006 March 26, i made strict goals for 2009. I met the love of my life in 2009, and September 9th i urinated on a stick and saw what was the most frightning realization ever. My world crashed on this day, tinking this is not me, im an ambitious hard worker not a mom i dont know how to be both and im not going to try. I then found out about abortion clinics, told my partner and he asked me if i really wanted to go through with the abortion if yes or no he will support me through out. That made me forget about the aftermath and i just focused on "us". September 11th i found out i was 7 weeks and 5 days pregnant. The monday that followed I took the abortion pill went through the trauma of keeping this secret from my family and sufferring by myself, no one to hold me or cry with me, although my partner kept apologizing about the pain and calling me asking me what he could do, that still did not help a thing.
I have been through this ordeal and had no one to hold, i go through each day with a smile thats forced onto my face. I pretend im fine, or my answer to everything "how are you" how's your day" is always "fine". I was once the girl that made everyone want to be alive and i was the girl who didnt go a day without laughing, i now am the one in need of that girl to make me want to live again.
My partner is the sweetest and most caring man, i just feel we still young and such things should only be disscused when we older and are able to handle my brake down. I now dig my head into work overload, and im distancing myself from him, i struggle to make conversation or rather i struggle to communicate with him and he's feeling very excluded and sad about this. These thoughts are holding me back from enjoying life. How do i move on from this.