Angels
Once upon a time, there was a child ready to be born. So one day, she asked God:
They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?
Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She’ll be waiting for you and will take care of you.
But, tell me, here in Heaven, I don’t do anything else but sing and smile – that’s enough for me to be happy.
Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you everyday. And you will feel your angel’s love and be happy.
And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don’t know the language men talk?
Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.
And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?
Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray.
I’ve heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?
Your angel will defend you – even if it means risking her life.
But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.
Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me – even though I will always be next to you.
At that moment, there was much peace in heaven. But voices from earth could already be heard and the child, in a hurry, asked softly:
Oh, God, if I’m about to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.
Your angel’s name is of no importance. You will just call your angel, “Mommy”.
It’s coming up on the one-year anniversary of when I had my abortion…
The last few weeks, I’ve been having so many flashbacks of that day, it’s killing me. I keep having visions of what it would be like to have my baby girl right now. Taking her to all of my Christmas celebrations, my family asking me if they can hold her… It’s been so hard. On New Year’s Eve, it was especially hard. One year ago that day was when I conceived my baby… Instead of enjoying the night, I spent it crying in the arms of my boyfriend. Right now, I just need so much support from people, and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend doesn’t like talking about it because he has a really hard time expressing his feelings, which just makes me feel like I’m the only one carrying this burden when he tries to tell me that I’m not alone…
Please, I really need some help right now…
I keep thinking that every new year will bring something better. That for some reason, everything will change and magically things will go the way that I want them to… It never does.
I don’t know if I can go on like this much longer. It’s like I’m going around in circles and don’t learn from what goes wrong. I’m busy making mistakes that could cost me everything and I see myself doing it, but I can’t stop myself. I’m putting so much pressure on myself, trying to be the perfect housewife, perfect girlfriend, perfect lover, perfect employee, perfect student, perfect daughter…. I’m so stressed and highly strung. I’m smoking almost 40 ciggies a day, drinking again… I’m blazing up the occasional joint which I haven’t done since high school, it’s all that keeps me sane these days. I feel ready to implode from all the pressure.
I’m busy destroying myself over something that I can’t change. I’m physically and emotionally mutilating myself, trying to make everything work and I can’t do this alone.
So Thursday, I had my growth scan for Ace!
At 32 weeks, he was 3 lbs. and at the 11%. At 34, he was 3 lbs., 14 oz so he is still really small, in the 14%. Everything seemed to go just fine. then the doctor came in and told me my fluid is low, it’s at 7.5. IDK what that means but that’s my biggest pocket of fluid. If it reaches 5, they will take him out. I guess my fluid dropped a lot in 2 weeks so it worried them. The doctor also told me that if he doesn’t reach 5lbs by my 36-week ultrasound, they are goin to take him out. They are not sure why he is so small. They said there might be a knot in his umbilical cord but they can’t see one. Also at my stress test, he was a little “stressed”. I was hooked up to the test for almost 2 hours. His heart rate was high but it finally calmed down. So they let me go home. I have to see my doctor 2 times a week for 2 stress tests and they are goin to check his fluid 2 times a week…
I pray he grows and that every thing stays safe for him. I don’t want him out at 36 weeks, I want him in!!!
January 4th- 9:00 Am O.B Appointment, Stress test, and Sonogram
January 7th- 9:00 Am Stress Test and Sonogram
January 11th- 2:45 and 3:15 Pm Regular O.B appointment, Stress test, and Sonogram
January 14th- 9:00 Am Stress test and Sonogram
January 15th- 9:00 Am Pre-Op appointment
January 18th- 8:50 C-Section. I GET TO MEET MY LITTLE GIRL!!!! Stay in Hospital
January 19th- Stay in Hospital
January 20th- Stay in Hospital
January 21st- GO HOME?!
This is just something I want to remember years down. I have it written in two planners already, haha. =]]
I thought that this time it would be different. I thought this time I would make it through the pregnancy with no problems what-so-ever. But I guess those thoughts change when you’re just sitting there with your fiancé’s family just after Christmas dinner and you get a major back pain. That’s what happened to me.
We had just finished eating dinner and I had just helped my fiancé’s sister and mom clean up the dishes. We had all settled down in comfortable positions (mine-the floor with a pillow under my butt and propping my back) with my fiancé massaging my shoulders. We were watching an episode of True Blood (to catch me up on what’s happening) and I started feeling really sharp back pains. So I told them and when I got up there was blood on the pillow. Immediately, my fiancé went into panic mode when I’m trying to stay calm and everyone around me is too just to keep me calm. After five minutes, my fiancé calmed down, and six more minutes, the ambulance arrived. My fiancé and his mom rode with me and his sister and father, brother and his newly wed wife rode together in the car. IT was disastrous. The pain got worse and I started drifting in and out of consciousness. All the time hearing my fiancé’s voice saying, “It’s gonna be ok”. I automatically felt safer.
I awoke hours later with a throbbing headache and killer abdominal pains. My vision was foggy, and it was bright in the room. I looked around and curled up in a chair was my soon to be mother-in-law. My fiancé’s father was no-where to be seen and neither was anyone else but my fiancé and his sister. HE was laying on the bed curled, against my side. And his sister was standing by the window sill. Looking out at the city.
I called her over, trying not to wake my fiancé and I asked her if the baby was OK, and she told me everything. How it was some thing and the placenta suffocated my baby. I just started crying, which woke my fiancé, and his mom. I stayed in the hospital for the next three days. My fiancé barely never leaving my side. If he was gone…his mom was there. If she was gone, his sister was there. If she was gone, then he was back.
Now, I’m back at home, my belly is almost flat again. I run sooo much every day. To lessen the anger I feel for losing my baby.
My baby-may You fly to heaven and may I hold you in my arms again some day.
R.I.P. Angelica Niaomi ******
The stars are her last name…we never decided whether or not it was gonna be mine on the birth certificate or mine.
