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Hun, it wasn’t your fault – it wasn’t anyone’s fault. Think of how much pain one has to be in to decide to not want to live one more day. In his mind, as crazy as it may seem to those close to him, he might have thought that him being gone was best for everyone else. It’s difficult to find answers to things like this, and it’s even more difficult to know how to let go without those answers. He was suffering, he was in pain, even though it may not have shown or he may not have wanted anyone to know, he was hurting. And when someone is in so much pain, it’s hard to think straight, you know?
It is clear to me that you had so much love for him and that you really cared about him. It’s so unfortunate that his hurt kept him from seeing that. Time will heal, and although you may never find your answers, it will be easier to remember the good things. You can keep him alive in your memories and your thoughts, and in that way, he will always be with you.Of course it’s not wrong! It’s ok to want that, a child, a family. I think it’s important to think of what’s best for you and your family, not only now, but in the future as well. What will be best for you a few years from now? This is a decision that only you can make. I know that when I was 17 there was no way that I could have ever been brave enough to take on the demands of a baby/child of my own. And now (I am 23 and almost done graduate school), looking back I am happy I waited because I am 100% sure, without a doubt in my mind, that I would be ready, emotionally and financially, to start a family of my own. Your time will come, just know that. And whether it happens now or a couple years from now, in the long run, when you’re 50 years old, won’t make that much of a difference as long as you are, without a doubt, financially independent and most importantly, emotionally ready – which doesn’t refer to how much you want a baby, but to how you will change your life to put someone else first, always, before your own needs – I know that I wasn’t when I was 17. But only you know what’s best for you 🙂
