Holly1984

hey hun i’m so sorry to hear that your scared i know what it was like the first time i was pregnant i was scared to death. by what ur saying u may be pregnant well thats what it sounds like but the only positive way to be sure is if u go and get a pregnancy test and if you can’t get one in your town see if you can get out of there for a day and go somewhere else to get one. i also have to ask have u been under ne stress or nething like that? because sometimes these things happen when your under alot of stress. i wish you the best of luck and if you do turn out to be pregnant don’t stress because thats what this site is here for to help you out. goodluck hun

Hi my name is Holly and the first time i found out i was pregnant was when i was 16 and in my last year at high school. i was 8 weeks when i found out and i told my then boyfriend straight away because he was outside the doctors office i was so happy but scared at the same time i asked my boyfriend what he thinks and he didn’t answer he said it was up to me. i told him that i wanted to keep the baby. but when i was 10 weeks pregnant he told me that he didn’t want me to keep it and said i had to get an abortion i didn’t want to get rid of my child i was so upset and unhappy i cried for the next week and when i saw him again he gave me a choice i can have the abortion or he would make me lose the baby. so regretfully i had an abortion i didn’t want to and it killed me inside i felt like i lost the only reason for me to live my life but with my boyfriend beside me he pushed me to get over it so i hid my feelings down inside and kept them to myself. then six months later i found myself pregnant again this time there was no hesitation to what my boyfriend wanted he told me the same thing again have the abortion or he’ll do it for me. And to my own dismay i went to have the abortion but this time i didnt go easy i screamed at him for weeks that i didn’t want to do it again and that it killed me to do it even once i tried to get away and went to my friends place but he found me and wouldn’t let me go but finally those white walls closed around me again and all i could do was cry. we broke up after this and i was dead inside from all the pain that i felt i still feel all of this pain today and it hasn’t gone away and it hasn’t lessened at all .i’m 20 now i have a new boyfriend who is my fiannce’ and he understands and is supportive of what happened but he can’t really help me to get over what i was forced to do and it kills him so much to see me upset and not be able to do nething. i had some great news a few months ago and was told i was pregnant my fiannce and i rejoiced because we were so happy but in january at 5 months pregnant i lost our little boy and it killed me all over again it seems like i have all the pain in the world and the weight on my shoulders is getting heavier i have a little bit of sunshine with my fiannce but he can see that its all eating away at me from the inside out. We are hope to start trying for another child once we are married but no matter what i can never for get my children even though i will never see then never hear them and never hold them i loved them for the short time i had them and love them still and they all have their special place in my heart. i have been dwelling on the feelings for the past 5 years of my life and its all i can ever think about my fiance is trying to get me to get some help but i think that i just need to be left alone and deal with it my own way. its all i do is research the stuff of the net and write my stories and poems about how i felt and what i went through my best friend told me that i’ve become obsessive about it and that no matter what i do i can’t change what happened and i know that but it doesn’t stop me from feeling down i have 6 A4 folders covered from front to back with things about pregnancy and abortion and they are all full with stuff i’ve kept everything from the first time i was pregnant till now i don’t think i have a problem but my friends think that i’m always down and that when we see babies in the street or a pregnant women that i change and become very dark. the nurses at the clinic told me that i would feel a sense of relief but considering i didn’t want to terminate in the first place its making me go crazy i don’t know what to do or believe. Am i crazy or am i just never going to get over what my ex boyfriend made me do? i don’t know what to think when my friends say that but all i can say is that i feel a great sense of longing everytime i see a pregnant woman or a mother and child and wish that i still had atleast one if not all of my children with me i really do think that this is killing me. neway thats my story i hope that neone who is pregnant or is hoping to be soon the best of luck and i am very much thankful to this site it has helped me so much i guess its just a pity that i didn’t find it sooner.

Post edited by: holly1984, at: 2005/06/21 06:37