I would have been the mother of a few-day-old newborn by now.

I lost my baby in May at 9 weeks…. 2 days after I found out that I was pregnant. It was ectopic. It would have been my 3rd baby. I still have the sonogram pictures; this ball of tissue, no heartbeat, sitting in my left tube, with my gynecologist and the sonographer talking about my baby, my BABY, as inhomogeneous tissue, whatever they were saying I suppose. My tube had started tearing so I was rushed into surgery. And when I woke up after the operation, I was told that the piece of my tube that the baby was in, was cut out, so now I cannot conceive a child from my left tube. This might sound bonkers, but I was happy that a piece of me had left with my baby. Sort of a way to say that we will always be together. It was God’s will… and destiny.

When I found out I was pregnant, I started crying. My husband’s company has gone into liquidation and thus rendered him jobless at the time. We live in a small place and I wondered where I would put another baby. But then the words of God made me make peace with it. As a Muslim, we believe that every child is an amaanat (trust) and comes with its own risq (sustenance) and I began to think that maybe this baby is God’s way of making life better for us, for we were in a rough patch at the time. Then I lost the baby. and once again my Faith in the One true Creator saved me. I did not go into a depression. In fact, when I think about the baby, I smile…

A week after the surgery, I had a dream. I dreamt that my gynecologist had put her hand into my tummy and brought out a perfectly formed but extremely tiny baby girl, and the doc said, she is perfect, but she won’t live long. I held her, and she passed away in my arms, smiling…That dream has been all the comfort I need. And it is promised in my religion, that even a 1day old miscarried child is waiting in the hereafter to be reunited with their parents in heaven and that the baby will testify for the parents and save them from punishment.

I will meet her again. I will get to hold her. I will get to kiss her soft skin. I will get to be her mother…. in a better place.

My baby girl, I love you. I think of you often, and I smile knowing that u are playing with the angels in heaven and waiting for me too. Till then my sweet angel…mwah!!!