To be very honest, I cannot believe I am writing this. However, I need to share my story with someone because I constantly feel like I am hiding who I am. I feel like I need to be with people who know how I feel and I guess this site is the only thing I have found that seems good enough. So here is my story. I really hope it helps someone in some way and might make someone’s decision a little bit easier.
I was always very good in school and had been accepted into the college of my dreams; everything was looking up for me. Then we went home for Christmas and I was raped by my cousin who I trusted very much. I could not believe what had happened and deleted it from my mind. When I missed my period, I knew I was pregnant but would not admit it to myself. This couldn’t be happening to me! I was raised in a highly Christian home, I had a wonderful boyfriend, and my life was about to turn inside out because of something that was not even my choice. I didn’t have any morning sickness and was barely gaining any weight so it wasn’t hard to pretend everything was okay. However, by the time I reached almost 6 months, I realized I was going to have to have this baby and that I could no longer hide the truth from my parents. Of course, I had thought of abortion but it just was not something I could bring myself to do. So I broke the news to my parents; I have never seen them so angry and disappointed in my entire life. I did not tell them the truth around the conception for at least another week because I guess I was too scared to admit to myself what happened. I did not want to admit how weak I had been. There was so much I could have done to prevent what happened but I didn’t do them.
I was turning 18 in July and was in my senior year of high school. Going to school pregnant was not what I would call great… far from it. But with the help of my amazing friends, I had made it. After graduating, I decided to spend the last two months of my pregnancy in a Christian maternity home. I hoped while I was there, I would be able to make a decision. I had no idea if I wanted to raise my baby or place him in adoption. It was definitely the hardest choice I would ever have to make. While at the home, they taught us all about raising a child and about the pros and cons of adoption. After a month, I decided to start looking at adoptive couple profiles. The first two days, I did not find anyone I wanted to raise my child. So that night, I prayed to God to show me the way. I prayed that if He wanted me to choose adoption then tomorrow, there would be a couple with the following qualities:
1. In their early to mid 30’s
2. Have at least one other child
3. Stay at home mom
4. Have a dog
Now the first three were needs, the dog was just a want. The next day, they had one profile for me to look at and they had all 4 things I had asked God for…. including the stupid dog! I knew in that moment God had just confirmed to me that adoption was the way. I began to talk to the couple every week and get to know them. They were so very excited to have a son and their little daughter was ecstatic to be getting a little brother. I was so prepared for the adoption but I had no idea how hard it was really doing to be.
My mom came to visit me on Labor Day weekend. I gave birth to my son on August 31. I have never been so happy in my entire life than when I held him in my hands for the first time. His eyes were wide open and he just looked up at me and grabbed my finger. I was able to spend two days with him and on Tues. the lawyer came and brought me the papers to sign. My mom kept telling me I didn’t have to do it, that we could raise him and everything would work out. She didn’t want to lose him any more than I did. I wanted to keep him with me so badly but I knew that placing him in adoption was what was best for him. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for his. When the lawyer read the paper to me, I just cried and cried. A little bit after signing it, the adoptive couple came to my room and saw Michael for the first time. The love in their eyes was priceless. We talked for a bit and then I watched as they walked out of the room with my little boy. The feeling I had in that moment is indescribable… it was like someone had just ripped my heart out.
I receive letters and pictures from my son’s adoptive parents once a month. He is such a beautiful little boy! I think of him daily and am still trying to find a way to deal with living without him. Trying to get to a level of acceptance; to be able to share him with others. No one where I live knows anything about my pregnancy. I guess I am scared of what people will think of me and of them asking me three million questions. I hate crying in front of people and I know I would if I was to tell them. I dunno, I guess there’s just a part of me that is ashamed of having been pregnant even though it was not my fault.
Well, I just needed to get that off my chest. I wanted to tell the world in some way that I have a son named Michael David born on August 31 and I love him with all my heart. If there is anyone reading this who would like to talk or anything, please feel free to ask any questions you may have.
Thanks for listening.
I was 16 and living with my fiancée. I come from a bad home and he rescued me. He worked, and I stayed at home trying to get my GED so I could get a job. When I found out I was pregnant, I was the most excited I had ever been. I never tried to get pregnant with him. But, once I got out of college, we planned on having 9 kids. Well, HE planned on having 9 kids. Lol. We really had in-depth plans. We decided to live near a beach because it would mean our kid would be active and wouldn’t have to live in a little boring town like we do.
It’s all a blur now. I don’t remember how far along I was or anything. I think like 2 or 3 months. The baby was conceived on Valentine’s Day and due on my Birthday. That’s pretty rare. A miracle and blessing.
I went to the bathroom and I just saw blood. I knew what that meant. I waited to see if it stopped bleeding before I went to my doctor (who l lived 2blocks down the street). I started getting pains. All I could think about is the day I took the pregnancy test and we cried together and all the times he kissed my stomach and I felt so important to be making his (and my) baby, all in MY stomach.
We walked to the doctors because his dad had the car and our transmission in our car dropped.
The whole way to the doctor, I was crying. He kept trying to calm me down but I was the one going through contractions and I started screaming bloody murder at him between sobs. So when we finally got to the door of the doctor office, 6 cop cars pulled up. They said that someone in the neighborhood said there was a girl screaming and crying and a man seemed to be bothering her. So, the cops separated us. I went inside the doctor’s office and the questioned him outside (I guess to make sure our stories matched up.. <Having experience with cop tactics>) but they humiliated me. I didn’t want to accept the fact my baby was gone but I had to explain to a complete stranger, something that I’d had five minutes to deal with. There was pregnant women in the doctor’s office staring at me like I was some type of criminal. Finally, my man and the cop came inside and he apologized and looked at my boyfriend and said I’m sorry. I could see the sympathy in his eyes, I couldn’t believe this was happening. The receptionist asked me what was happening (kinda freaked out), I just started crying and said I was bleeding.
My doctor did an exam and sent me to the hospital. Me and my boyfriend walked over to the hospital and I was screaming at him about how we didn’t have a place to live (we were staying at a hotel after his dad kicked him out when I got pregnant) and God didn’t think we deserved this gift. And he told me off, started crying, and left me standing there by myself.
So, I went into the hospital and they gave me a sonogram. I kept asking “Is my baby okay? Can we save it?” I’ve heard a lot of stories from family and it’s like you’re in denial. You try to convince yourself the babies okay; it’s just a close call or something. It hurts a lot worse… thinking there’s a chance its okay. That little bit of hope keeps you sane. But, when its gone you hit rock bottom.
What I didn’t know is the nurse isn’t allowed to show you the sonogram screen or tell you if the baby is moving. I kept asking her and she wouldn’t tell me. And, I was getting aggravated. The doctor took 30 minutes. I called my mom and she felt so bad. She got on the phone with the nurse and told her “My daughter is 16, she has no clue what’s going on and she’s alone. YOU NEED TO GET HER A DOCTOR” So the doctor came in. And… I kinda wished he wouldn’tve. He told me
“Your baby isn’t moving”
I died that day inside. Right then.
I kept thinking my dead baby was floating around in my stomach. Did it suffer? Is it too young to be in heaven? Did it love me like I loved it?
My baby’s father eventually found his way up to the sonogram room. He cried his eyes out saying he couldn’t find me and he was so sorry for leaving me. I took his arms for granted. I needed someone to take my anger out on instead of realizing it was his kid too and we both were hurting. That he knew what I was going through… Besides the contractions, that were getting worse by the minute.
They sent me back to my doctors’ office. My mom kept calling every 10 minutes. Making sure they were treating me okay because she’s a nurse and she can talk medical blab. My doctor automatically scheduled a DNC or whatever they called it. My mom kept yelling at my doctor on speakerphone saying she’s in pain, can’t you DO anything. I finally got up and went to the bathroom. I cried and the pain got really bad. I locked the door and laid on the floor. It got to the point I was screaming and crying at the top of my lung. I didn’t care where I was it hurt. My boyfriend knocked on the door and I cried that I wanted to leave but I couldn’t get up because it hurt so bad. He told me that the doctor wanted me to sign papers and then I could go. He had already scheduled a DNC thingy and I had to sign release forms. I opened the door, I told my boyfriend “YOU TELL THAT DOCTOR THAT I’M IN A LITTLE TOO MUCH PAIN TO SIGN HIS F***** PAPERS AND I’M GOING TO WALK OUT OF HERE AND DO BREATHING EXERCISES I NEVER GOT THAT CHANCE TO LEARN AND TRY TO MAKE IT HOME WITHOUT PASSING OUT AND GETTING A CONCUSION. YOU SIGN THE PAPERS. I GIVE YOU PERMISSION.” I walked home to his dad’s (the hotel was a little farther) and got in the shower which only ran hot water for 5 minutes. So, I sat in cold water bleeding.
My boyfriend showed up with his father. His dad gave me that look of sympathy I had gotten use to by now. My boyfriend begged me to get in the car and go to the hotel so I can get hot water. I might have been shaking because he wouldn’t let me say no. I kept thinking about how I’d have to get up and get dressed, put shoes on, and wait 2 minutes to be able to lay down again and I didn’t know if I could do it. But, he convinced me.
I got to the hotel and sat on the toilet, hoping that would expel my baby. I felt this heavy liquid come out. The amniotic fluid. I kept thinking how I wasn’t sposta feel that until my 9th month (giving birth) but somehow my water just broke… My boyfriend and his dad went to the store to get me some stuff… I forget what really happen. It’s all a blur now.
I laid in the shower and relaxed, finally accepting it and letting it happen…. I had tissue come out. I feel so guilty… I thought it was a piece of tissue and I seen black things on it and I pulled one off, not later did I realize it was my child and I had just ripped its eye off. I poked it a couple times and ripped it in half trying to figure out what it was. My doctor was no help. So, I had no clue it was my baby, I thought my baby would have skin and I didn’t know it was going to be see through. I let it go down the drain….my baby… then the placenta came out and being so confused, I thought the placenta was my baby. I know that’s sad. And it hurts telling people I dissected my baby. But, I want to share my stories to women thinking about getting a abortion. It’s hard enough losing a child, but willingly. I have a personal reason. I seen that baby (even if I didn’t know it was my baby) and I watched it float away…
I just think about what they do with the millions of babies that have been aborted. Do they throw them away? Who does it? Do they support abortion after working in a “death clinic”? Would the doctors that tell you what an “easy out option” abortion is, have children of their own? You go to the abortion clinic and the doctor tells you, “Well, the question you need to ask yourself is if you’re ready for a baby and is it best for the baby to be born into your life at this time?”…. Now what would that doctor say if you asked him “Well, doctor… Your children love you and enjoy their life, right?
What if when you/your wife got pregnant, and you didn’t have money to support the unborn baby and it wasn’t “the right time”, would you have aborted it after seeing what that fetus became 10 years later?”
Because whether you have the money or not, that child has an equal chance at life just like a rich pregnant women does. It’s your choice on whether to give it that equal opportunity. Just because you don’t get to look into the future 16 years and see your son/daughter getting that first job, or graduating high school, doesn’t mean that people can pretend these babies aren’t alive. You could’ve just killed the next president, yaa know? It’s what society has made legal to lower teen pregnancy rates.
For the rest of my story, my boyfriend got back with chocolate and food and a lot of other stuff. Tylenol. Stuff like that. I told him what happen and I know it broke his heart.
I never got that DNC, that probably explains why I don’t remember if it’s DNC or DMC… But, when the doctor asked me if I had “passed the fetus”, I told him what came out and he informed me it was my baby and placenta. I was in shock and freaking out that I let it go like that. I still haven’t got over that… I know I never will. I was scared to get put asleep. I was having flashbacks of the shower. It was all too much for me to go through in two days. I told the doctor that I didn’t need it. That, my body’s completely able to heal itself even though I may not be able to emotionally. He finally gave up and let me leave. I’m completely healthy. I bled for two weeks and every possible remaining tissue from that pregnancy came out in that two weeks. I never got an infection and had green discharge like he promised me would happen… I’m okay. And saved $3000 on a procedure and stress I didn’t need. Although, my mom told me I was hard headed. lol. It was scary, I was confused, and in denial. When you get an abortion in late pregnancy, I believe you get the same thing (DNC). I was reading about it… The doctor got mad because I had ate two hours earlier. I figured out why too. If you eat before you get an abortion, they won’t do the DNC because they put you to sleep most cases, and if you throw up, you can choke on it and possibly die. I’m happy I didn’t get it… Lol. My mom got a DNC (abortion) and she said it sounded like a vacuum cleaner… I couldn’t do it and add that memory to a miscarriage…
Like, how the heck did the best thing in our lives just end out of nowhere? We woke up and had no clue this would turn into the worst day of our lives. Yaa know? It’s unpreventable and undetectable. It just happens so fast and out of nowhere…
His parents thought I was crazy and too young. He was 19 and I was 16. But, it was legal. And, I’m mature for my age and I’ve heard guys mature slower than women. That’s why women go for older guys and older guys like younger women. And his mom is a Jehovah Witness. So, the first thing she said is “It was for the best. It just wasn’t meant to be.” My bf had her on speakerphone and didn’t expect her to say that. He looked right at me to see my reaction cuz he already knew I hated her. I started crying and screamed F****** you ***** and walked out the house and ran for awhile. It hurts when people say maybe God thought it wasn’t the right time….
I can only imagine the pain of the girls who listened to their peers and go to them when they’re depressed and their parents say that. Girls, I know have been in that situation. They say it’s like being slapped in the face. Their parents just tell them it was what was best. And they can’t believe that they once believed that and that was the reason they did it in the first place….
The only way we could make each other feel better is to say there’ll be more. But, now he’s in jail and his court case is in a few days. If he’s convicted, he’ll get 10-20yrs. So, there went that promise (anytime soon).
The baby was sposta be born in November (right on my bday) so when the due date came, I was miserable and wondered if I would ever have a happy birthday again. The dad was in jail and I just cried and was crabby the whole day. I wrote a letter to my child (it was my way of getting through the day). I told my child I loved it and would never forget no matter what happened. To me, that child was born the day I took that pregnancy test. I know it existed because I seen him/her on that screen. I fell in love. It was alive and was moving. If I could’ve buried it in a formal grave site, I would’ve (If I had it).
I believe a fetus is human. And, getting an abortion isn’t the right thing to do… This pain is real! I feel it every day. I have flashbacks to the blood and watching my child go down the drain… It hurts. I can relate to a lot of girls who have had abortions and my heart goes out to them too. I don’t know of one girl who was able to live with the pain. You parents will get over it, but if you give in to them and kill that baby bouncing around with you, you never will. Your parents will go on everyday and not think twice about it. But, YOU live with the decision. And if the father doesn’t want you to have it, obviously he won’t be very affected by it. Only you. Do you think he cares? Obviously the only thing he’s thinking is “I can’t be a father. I can’t get married and be stuck with this girl!” Obviously he doesn’t plan on being with you and he doesn’t want to be stuck or own up to his own action. But, you keep that baby and keep your head up. Because, if you keep that child, and give it a chance, you are stronger than the father. You are responsible and you aren’t making your baby pay for your actions. Once your parent see that baby and you stepping up to the plate, whether that baby is bi-racial and your parents are against, your parents will respect you decision and love you. They are just trying to get rid of it. But, your baby isn’t trash. Just because it’s legal to make it go away, doesn’t mean its right. Parents should be ASHAMED for forcing their kids into abortions. Just know it’s not their decision. You have rights as a mother.
Its been a year. I’ll never be over it but its gotten a little better. For girls that have had a miscarriage or abortion, having someone to talk to about it (parent, teacher, best friend) helps out a lot. I had my boyfriend until recently. I realize what a different it makes not having anyone to talk to makes. I was alone on my baby’s due date. It hurt a lot more without someone to talk to. This site is a great place for support and whoever made it must be an amazing person. I just wish that every girl that’s pregnant and feeling completely lost had the chance to find this site before they make their decision. The doctors don’t tell you the emotional side effects of abortion. I heard some don’t even let you see the sonogram.
Thanks for listening.
