In a way, I’m kinda glad that I’m not pregnant and in a way, I’m kinda bummed…
My son is the greatest gift from God and I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world and another child would just add to it! I’m glad that I’m not pregnant because at this point in my life, I’m Juggling a lot of things right now… School, Motherhood, and holding down my fort…. Chances come and chances go and there’s always a place for everything…
So again, just to inform everyone, thank you for your concerns and advice but I am not pregnant. It was just a false alarm!
Hi,
If you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering why I am writing. Because frankly, everyone needs someone to talk to. For me, writing has always been an out. If people benefit from my story, then great!
I’m currently 19 and I have a beautiful 6 month year old baby girl whose nickname is Fili. Don’t ask me why Fili. We tried Fefe, we tried Lia, my mother even tried and still tries Didget. She likes Fili. I like Fili, it fits her smile. She has the goofiest smile.
I would like to stop and say this story isn’t about her. It’s about me. But being a mom, it’s never that way. Anything involving me automatically involves her to. Whether its going to the movies or writing a blog to no one particular on a website you just found.
So my story. I grew up in a small town, straight As, not quite top of my class but all my friends admired me cause I always had a goal and always knew where I was going in life. I was the kid with a plan, and no one was going to stop it. School was the most important thing to my mom, so it became the most important thing to me.
I don’t think I had much of a social life growing up. Though some people tell me I was Miss Social. I liked to hang around people. Not so much talk but listen to them talk. It was entertaining.
I graduated from high school with honors. Got enrolled in college right away and everything was going pretty good. See, NV has this scholarship that will pay for everything if you qualify, and all you need to qualify is a certain grade point average. Its called the Millennium Scholarship. I qualified for it, was doing good in my classes for the first month or so right on my plan.
Well, then stuff just seemed to spiral out of control. My mom moved and kind of left me on my own, well not really on my own. She let me in a house with my best friend (at the time), my boyfriend (still together and strong), and my alcoholic step dad.
I was a waitress so I could handle the bills, I couldn’t handle the alcoholic step dad. So me best friend and boyfriend moved in a cozy apartment. Let’s just say it was fun….
Anyways about a month and a half after living in our apartment, me and my friend get a flu bug, go down to the doctors office to get it checked out and it turns out it wasn’t a flu bug at all. We were both pregnant, me about 10 days ahead of her.
My boyfriend is extremely supportive. He’s sweet. My family on the other hand. not so much. Especially my mother. See, I was the oldest. I was supposed to be the child that turned out decent, went to college, became a doctor, never had kids type thing. My sister was the one supposed to get pregnant young, have lots of kids. She does, by the way. She’s also a teenage mom and its weird seeing people treat her differently then they treat me. I can’t explain it but she is my younger sister and she just had her second kid, a lovely baby girl. I guess I’m a little jealous of her. No matter what she does, she seems to still be fine in my moms eyes. Not me….I’m a disappointment.
Anyways….I’m going to turn this into a diary of sorts. If anyone reads it and cares, Great!! if not, well at least I get somewhere to write and have a chance to show other girls it can be hard but its worth it. A life is always worth it.
Well I have to go for now.
Lates and Luvs
Cat<
This is my autobiography told as I saw it….
I was born December 31st, the first child of my parents. I grew up a fairly normal child. I have a younger sister who is 15. As a child, I loved dance and gymnastics since I was 2 as well as music. I’ve been playing the piano since I was 4 and flute since I was 10.
The summer before I started 7th grade, my dad left my mother for the man he had been having an affair with for the past 5 years. We were totally blindsided. We had no idea and we have not seen or heard from him since. That’s when I went downhill. My mother, who had been a stay-at-home mom for the past 13 years, was now forced to get 3 minimum-wage jobs to afford the tiny apartment we had to move into.
Now I’m not trying to condone my choices or my behavior. Its just important to know that there wasn’t much of a home life for me, that year I met an 8th grade boy. He was cute, tall, and a bad boy, I fell head over heels in love with him. We started dating and I began skipping school, drinking, and doing drugs. Shortly after I celebrated my 12th birthday, I lost my virginity to him on a dirty couch in the trailer behind his uncle’s house. Over the summer, we were having sex everyday, and without protection, I became pregnant.
August 27th was my first day of the rest of my life, I just didn’t know it at the time. I went to the doctor for my yearly check up. My mother made us go every year before school started, it was tradition. They ran the usual blood tests and mine came back positive for HCG. I was 12 years old and I was pregnant!!
I was in a fog, I don’t remember much of what happened. My mother cried and so did I. When I told him, he freaked out. He immediately told me he wanted me to have an abortion and I was 100% on board with that choice. My appointment at the clinic was scheduled for the first weekend in October. I was looking forward to putting this all behind me and getting on with being a normal 8th grader, Then on September 28th, I started bleeding at school. It was a huge gush of blood. I started freaking out. Of course, my teachers all thought I was just starting my period and sent me down to the nurse to get a pad. I told her that I was pregnant and having my period. She called my mom and told her to bring me to the ER, miscarriage….
I got to the ER and was immediately hooked up to a million machines, the bleeding had stopped and the doctor came in and did an ultrasound. I saw my baby, I got to hear the heartbeat. There was a little person inside me and I loved that little bean. Everything was fine, my baby was perfect. The doc gave me an estimated due date, April 23rd.
I went home happy, and scared. I told my mom I wanted to keep this baby. She cried and told me if I really wanted to do this, we could do it. It would be hard and it would change my life, but the choice was mine… Such a big thing to decide at 12.
I told him, he was against it, and told me if I wanted to have a baby, he wasn’t going to have me anymore. And so that was the end of us….
Pregnancy wasn’t easy, but it was amazing. I loved all the milestones, and the baby belly, finding out she was a girl and feeling her kick.
Esme Ariana was born on April 1st. My life as a 13 year old mom had begun….
Who am I…
I am a friend,
good at math,
a shopaholic,
a sister,
a twilight fan,
a cheerleader,
a student,
a flute player,
a joker,
a future nurse,
a daughter,
a happy person,
a terrible cook,
a fan of Grey’s Anatomy;
I am also a Teenage Mother
Hi, I’m in the UK and I am forty-three years old.
When I was twenty-five, I was very in love with a 27-year-old man who was partially involved with another more established relationship than what we had. He lived in London and I lived in Sheffield. When he found out, I was pregnant. He told me over the phone that he “did not want it” and was hugely cold with me. I went into a panic that night and rushed straight off to the doctor’s, whose only advice was to not have an abortion for financial reasons. I was very confused and in emotional pain because of the profound rejection because my man acted as if he hated me. I rushed to make an appointment at the local hospital. During the time I waited, I saw him once but he just sat there coldly and silently for a day or so and I felt I was dying inside. I said to him, “If you loved me, we could have this baby” and “You told me that you loved me.” He said, ” Well, I was wrong.” He left when his friend was beeping his horn outside my flat. I was crying unstoppably and he told me I had done enough crying but that was nineteen years ago and I still cry regularly.
I became very depressed after the abortion but sunk myself into my work as a trainee mental health nurse. Six months after him refusing to speak to me, he consented to see me and shortly after, he wanted to go out with me and seemed quietly remorseful. I have never found out what his true feelings were except that he was very scared and that if I had killed myself over him abandoning me, then he would have done something to himself. It was the most painful six months, living on my own afterwards. And all of our mutual friends avoided me completely, which is why I went out with him again to get my self esteem and dignity back by making them see that he did love me after all. We went out in a long distant relationship way for another three years but I could never feel permission to get angry or talk about my feelings. When we went on holidays, he would become withdrawn, which was a sign that he didn’t handle stress well and I believe that he had been scared enough to pretend he didn’t care for me when he really did.
We finished after those three years and really I haven’t looked back. I built on my career as a nurse and four years later, I met my husband and we now have two beautiful sons, aged eight and eleven. I am now a psychotherapist and I believe I had to go through that painful mistake to find myself and what real love is all about. I still grieve the baby because I am a loving person and would definitely have had the baby if my boyfriend hadn’t acted so cruelly and for so long, during the time before and after the pregnancy. I don’t keep in contact and hope one day, I will completely forgive him. I partly do but also feel he should have apologized somewhere along the line. I know he has successfully avoided parenthood because of his own father being cruel and irresponsible. My feelings towards the baby are of sadness that I didn’t have him or her but more recently, I have felt deep sadness towards my inner feelings and wish to apologize to my true self inwards. My dreams still suggest at times how I was let down so much by him, friends and family who all couldn’t see the lovely potential in me at the time.
I would like to say to any girls and women who are in danger of being conned, to hang in there and not go through the abortion before talking to a counsellor so you can really hear your body talking as mine does, which says it wishes I hadn’t gone through with it. I do have a happy life but no child will ever replace the one I lost and this has got in the way of my feeling free to enjoy the children I do have in a very spontaneous way. So don’t do it is my advice. It is not worth paying the price of decades of depression inside instead of maybe hard work but having the rewards of pride, joy, and love.
With love xxx………………………
I tried to resurrect myself with a pen;
corrugated with shades of grey,
wanting to hear my heartbeat again.
I sowed seeds with my ABCs,
to help me return to myself.
Page after page I try to trap myself in words
and gently force myself back into my own body.
xoxox
