OK, WHEN I FIRST BECAME PREGNANT, AND I TALKED TO MY CHILD’S FATHER AND WE DISCUSSED EVERYTHING AND HE SEEMED AS IF IT WASN’T HAPPENING OR NOT TAKING THE SITUATION SERIOUS IN MY OPINION. AND AT FIRST, HIS RESPONSE WHEN I ASKED HOW HE FELT ABOUT THE SITUATION WAS IT DOESN’T MATTER AND THAT HE’S GOIN TO DO WHATEVER I WANT TO DO. THEN AS THE PRESSURE WHINDED DOWN, STOMACH’S GOT BIGGER AND I BEGAN TO SLEEP MORE IT BECAME APPARENT THAT I WOULD HAVE TO FINALLY REVEAL TO MY MOTHER MY” BIGGEST SECRET”. I’M CURRENTLY 17 YEARS OLD WITH 2 YEARS LEFT IN HIGH SCHOOL.
WHILE IN SCHOOL ONE DAY, TOWARDS THE LAST 4 DAYS OF SCHOOL UNTIL IT IS ALL OVER, A GIRL AND I BEGAN TO THROW DRINKS AT EACH OTHER, PLAYING OF COURSE . MY PRINCIPAL OF COURSE WOULDN’T THINK SO, SO I WAS WITHDRAWN OUT OF SCHOOL. MY MOTHER WHO’S TOO CAUGHT UP IN HER HIGH PROFILE LIFE WAS IRATE.
LONG STORY SHORT, SHE’D BOUGHT A PREGNANCY TEST FOR ME TO TAKE. I’M GUESSING SHE’D ALREADY KNOWN. MOTHER’S INTUITION I GUESS. HOWEVER, SHE BROUGHT UP THE ABORTION ISSUE AND SPOKE SOLELY ON THAT AND ALL OTHER ALTERNATIVES WERE OUT OF THE QUESTION IN HER EYES.
SHE ENDED UP SENDING ME TO MY HOMETOWN OF CHICAGO TO LIVE WITH MY AUNT AND RAISE MY CHILD ALL ALONE ON MY OWN. WHEN SHE SENT ME, I LEFT WITH NO PHONE, NO MONEY, 1 BAG OF CLOTHING, AND SHOES IN THE SAME BAG, SO YOU COULD IMAGINE HOW MANY OUTFITS I COULD PACK IN THAT BAG. BEFORE I LEFT, I CALLED MY UNBORN CHILD’S GRANDMOTHER. AND INFORMED HER THAT I WAS EVEN PREGNANT BECAUSE SHE DIDNT EVEN KNOW THAT I WAS. HER SON, WHICH IS MY CHILD’S FATHER, DIDNT EVEN TELL HER. AND I TOLD HER I’M KEEPING MY BABY AND SHE REPEATED “YOU’RE KEEPING IT”? AS IF I SHOULDN’T. HE HAS A CHILD ALREADY . BUT I WANT TO KEEP MY CHILD. I MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO INVOVLE THEIR FAMILY WITH MY UNBORN CHILD. HOWEVER, I FEEL MY EFFORTS GO UNNOTICED.
I’M 8 WEEKS PREGANANT AND MY DUE DATE IS DEC 29. I JUST HOPE BY THEN MY FAMILY WILL MANAGE AND FIND AN EQUILIBRIUM.
Are you with me, baby?
It feels like you are 🙂
It makes me feel safe. It makes me feel happy
I want to make you proud baby,
I want you to be proud of your mummy
like I would be proud of you!
I still get upset, but try to think that you wouldn’t like to see me cry.
I still think of you every second of everyday,
but I think of the good things,
like when I found out you were in my belly.
You’re in a better place now, baby, where God can look after you.
Don’t forget me baby, I will never forget you.
You will always be my first baby, mine and daddy’s first child!
I will always be your mummy,
And one day- maybe not soon but I will be with you!
Daddy will be with you!
And we can be a family again!!
I love you, forever!! (L)
[Talking]
Ma,
I know the Situation is Personal…
But it’s something that has to be told.
As I was making this beat,
You was all I could think about. You heard my voice.
[Verse 1]
Yeah, Just think. Just Think.
What if you could Just,
Just blink your self away..
Just, Just wait. Just pause for a second.
Let me plead my case.
It’s the late 70’s Huh?
You Seventeen, huh?
And having me that will ruin everything huh?
It’s a lot of angels waiting on their wings..
You see me in your sleep, so you cant kill your dreams.
300 Dollars, that’s the price of living, what?
Mommy, I don’t like this clinic..
Hopefully you’ll make the right decision..
And don’t go through with the Knife incision.
But it’s hard to make the right move,
When you in high school,
How you have to work all day, and take night school.
Hopping off da bus when the rain is pourin’.
What you want? Morning sickness or the sickness of mourning?
[Chorus]
I’ll Always Be a part of you,
Trust Your Soul, Know it’s always true.
If I Could Talk, I’d Say To You…
CAN I LIVE?
CAN I LIVE?
I’ll Always Be a part of you.
Trust Your Soul, Know it’s always true.
If I Could Talk, I’d Say To You…
CAN I LIVE?
CAN I LIVE?
[Verse 2]
I am a child of the king.
Ain’t no need to go fear me
And I see the flowing tears so know that you hear me
When I move in your womb that’s me being scary
Cause who knows what my future holds
Yo, the truth be told, you ain’t told a soul
Yo, you ain’t even showing I’m just 2 months old
Through your clothes try to hide me, deny me
Went up 3 sizes
Your pride got you lying, saying ain’t nothing but a migraine
It ain’t surprising you not trying to be in Wic food lines
Your friends will look at you funny but look at you mommy
That’s a life inside you, look at your tummy
What is becoming ma I am Oprah bound
You can tell he’s a star from the Ultrasound
Our Sprits Connected Doors Open Now
Nothing But Love And Respect. Thanks For Holding Me Down. She Let Me Live…
[Chorus]
I’ll Always Be a part of you
Trust Your Soul Know it’s always true
If I Could Talk, I’d Say To You
CAN I LIVE?
CAN I LIVE?
I’ll Always Be apart of you
Trust Your Soul Know it’s always true
If I Could Talk, I’d Say To You
CAN I LIVE?
CAN I LIVE?
[Repeat 2]
[Talking]
It’s uplifting foreal, y’all
I ain’t passing no judgement
Ain’t making no decisions
I am just telling ya’ll my story
I love life
I love my mother for giving me life
We all need to appreciate life
A strong woman that had to make a sacrifice
Thanks for listening
Thanks for listening
Mama, thanks for listening
I don’t know what I just did. I wrote a letter to my mom, sayin’ I want to move out and move in with my baby daddy.
But I know I broke my mom’s heart because I’m still a baby to her but I want to live my own life with my son and soon-to-be husband. But I have a bad feeling about what I did, but also my mom needs to understand she has to let go someday right? I do love my mom. She’s always there for me and she always watches out for me but I think it’s time to let go…..
I hope I did the right thing.
So I found out I was pregnant, the day be for my mom’s birthday, that was rather scary.
Honestly, I cried and cried for hours and my boyfriend tried to help but there was no one who could have stopped me. I wasn’t so much unhappy about the baby cause how can you be unhappy with a baby but I was scared. I had been sick for a long time and was not supposed to get pregnant at all or it could kill me, and I had no job and my boyfriend was a contractor, which is inconsistent at best. We were in no financial or physical state to be having a baby and honestly, I think I was more afraid to tell my mom than anything else (she was less than fond of my boyfriend to start with). But that night, I went home to tell her and lost my nerve. I decided to wait a few days. I had found out on a Wednesday and told her Monday morning, so as I said a few days, but she took it better than I could have hoped. She cried, which was hard to take, but after a few minutes, things calmed down and we just started making plans and figuring out how we could do this.
A few days later, I went to a clinic to get checked out and get a pregnancy confirmation for my medicade application and they definitely gave me the confirmation. They took me in for a ultrasound and informed me there were two.
Honestly, I was terrified and confused and shocked and in truth, slightly in non belief. So I kept asking if she was sure but she was. So now, on top of being scared of how I was going to handle carrying one baby and supporting it, I had to worry about two.
But my family is very supportive as well as the Dad and his family. So no, I still have no clue how I am going to do this whole thing, but I am sure I will get through this thing and it’ll just have a way of working out.
Well, let me start from the beginning so that this makes sense:
My biological father was never in my life, since he has been in and out of prison for 20+ years, So when I went to the prison to meet him when I was 15, I was for the most part happy with a couple of other mixed feelings. Then my mom and him started making plans for him to be paroled and for all of us to live together and be “one big happy family” and I was OK with the idea. I thought it might be cool to have both my parents there since it was always just my mom.
So he got paroled and my mom moved up with him right away while I stayed in New Mexico to finish my summer job. When my job ended, I went to Colorado to live with them, thinking things were going to be OK… Sadly, I started to resent my father and wanted nothing to do with him, because he was an alcoholic with an anger issue that lied about everything and it caused me a lot of stress since I found out I was pregnant shortly after moving, but my mom was in love with him and didn’t want to leave him.
So for the first time in my pregnancy, I moved out. I moved in with my cousin and his wife. I was there for a couple weeks when I couldn’t take it anymore. His wife was constantly yelling about something and she was just so rude. So it didn’t really relieve my stress much so I decided to move back with my Mom and Dad. For about 2 weeks, things were OK and then things went right back to what they were before. So after about 1 month, I just couldn’t take it anymore. Things were so bad I thought about suicide. I would never do it but the thought of not having to deal with the stress anymore made me happy, I told my mom if she didn’t leave him, I would move out again…
She didn’t leave him so I ended up moving into a maternity home (a home for pregnant teens). About a month into me living there, my mom and dad got evicted and were forced to live in a hotel with no food because all there money was going to support his alcohol addiction, and on top of that, he started doing drugs like meth. He promised to stop but since he always lied, we could never tell if he was telling the truth. Finally, when they didn’t have money to pay the hotel, I convinced my mom to leave him.
I am so mad at my mom for not being there when I needed her the most. She let him control her life and it seemed like I didn’t matter to her. I’m the type of person to just bottle up my feelings so when I told her how I felt and for her just not to care was heart breaking for me. All I could think was how bad does it have to get for you to leave him? My mom is here for me now but I can’t help but to feel so mad when I think about it.
I just had to let that go.
