worried

So I’m now 20 weeks and 6 days pregnant and everything was going really well.

My baby has a strong heartbeat of 147 and it moves around all the time, But I’m having this uncontrollable pain. So I went to the doctor’s and he thinks I could be having premature contractions. But he couldn’t tell me for sure because my cervix was closed. Now I have to wait a couple more days to see if the pain will go away with meds and a heat pack and so far it’s not really working all that well. So if the pain is there throughout tomorrow, I have to call my doctor’s office again and hope that they can get me to an ultrasound to make sure everything is going smoothly with the baby.

A little worried about the premature contractions and just hoping it’ll get better. I love my baby<333

Angels.

Angels

Once upon a time, there was a child ready to be born.  So one day, she asked God:

They tell me you are sending me to earth tomorrow, but how am I going to live there being so small and helpless?
Among the many angels, I chose one for you. She’ll be waiting for you and will take care of you.

But, tell me, here in Heaven, I don’t do anything else but sing and smile – that’s enough for me to be happy.
Your angel will sing for you and will also smile for you everyday. And you will feel your angel’s love and be happy.

And how am I going to be able to understand when people talk to me, if I don’t know the language men talk?
Your angel will tell you the most beautiful and sweet words you will ever hear, and with much patience and care, your angel will teach you how to speak.

And what am I going to do when I want to talk to you?
Your angel will place your hands together and teach you how to pray.

I’ve heard that on earth there are bad men. Who will protect me?
Your angel will defend you – even if it means risking her life.

But I will always be sad because I will not see you anymore.
Your angel will always talk to you about me and will teach you the way for you to come back to me – even though I will always be next to you.

At that moment, there was much peace in heaven.  But voices from earth could already be heard and the child, in a hurry, asked softly:

Oh, God, if I’m about to leave now, please tell me my angel’s name.
Your angel’s name is of no importance. You will just call your angel, “Mommy”.

Flashbacks…

It’s coming up on the one-year anniversary of when I had my abortion…

The last few weeks, I’ve been having so many flashbacks of that day, it’s killing me. I keep having visions of what it would be like to have my baby girl right now. Taking her to all of my Christmas celebrations, my family asking me if they can hold her… It’s been so hard. On New Year’s Eve, it was especially hard. One year ago that day was when I conceived my baby… Instead of enjoying the night, I spent it crying in the arms of my boyfriend. Right now, I just need so much support from people, and I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to. My boyfriend doesn’t like talking about it because he has a really hard time expressing his feelings, which just makes me feel like I’m the only one carrying this burden when he tries to tell me that I’m not alone…

Please, I really need some help right now…

not such a happy new year

I keep thinking that every new year will bring something better. That for some reason, everything will change and magically things will go the way that I want them to… It never does.

I don’t know if I can go on like this much longer. It’s like I’m going around in circles and don’t learn from what goes wrong. I’m busy making mistakes that could cost me everything and I see myself doing it, but I can’t stop myself. I’m putting so much pressure on myself, trying to be the perfect housewife, perfect girlfriend, perfect lover, perfect employee, perfect student, perfect daughter…. I’m so stressed and highly strung. I’m smoking almost 40 ciggies a day, drinking again… I’m blazing up the occasional joint which I haven’t done since high school, it’s all that keeps me sane these days. I feel ready to implode from all the pressure.

I’m busy destroying myself over something that I can’t change. I’m physically and emotionally mutilating myself, trying to make everything work and I can’t do this alone.

worried a little

So Thursday, I had my growth scan for Ace!

At 32 weeks, he was 3 lbs. and at the 11%. At 34, he was 3 lbs., 14 oz so he is still really small, in the 14%. Everything seemed to go just fine. then the doctor came in and told me my fluid is low, it’s at 7.5. IDK what that means but that’s my biggest pocket of fluid. If it reaches 5, they will take him out. I guess my fluid dropped a lot in 2 weeks so it worried them. The doctor also told me that if he doesn’t reach 5lbs by my 36-week ultrasound, they are goin to take him out. They are not sure why he is so small. They said there might be a knot in his umbilical cord but they can’t see one. Also at my stress test, he was a little “stressed”. I was hooked up to the test for almost 2 hours. His heart rate was high but it finally calmed down. So they let me go home. I have to see my doctor 2 times a week for 2 stress tests and they are goin to check his fluid 2 times a week…

I pray he grows and that every thing stays safe for him. I don’t want him out at 36 weeks, I want him in!!!