Depo is unsure

Me and my boyfriend are deep in love. We live together in his parents’ house and he is everything to me. He treats me like a princess and never turns his back on me.

We were very intimate and I decided to make an appointment and go on birth control and went with the Depo Shot. I had asked my doctor a lot of questions and made sure it worked immediately… She told me yes. And I trusted her. I was excited and was so positive that I was safe and couldn’t get pregnant. The Depo drove me crazy and moody. I didn’t get my period for a whole month and then I had it for a whole month. very light. And then it stopped. I was glad and relieved.  It had made me so emotional and I would flip out on anyone. 3 months later, I went for my second shot. Confident. My doctor gave me my shot and sent me on my way. And I had noticed she didn’t even do a urine test before to make sure I wasn’t pregnant.

That same day, five hours later, I began feeling intense pain like menstrual cramps but these were different, like much deeper. And I began throwing up everything and the pain was on and off but so bad that I could not sit or stand and it went down to my legs and hips. I didn’t know what was going on, but I did my best to deal with it. Two days later, I began losing a lot of weight and couldn’t eat or drink nothing so I went to the hospital. And in the meantime, I had been wondering for weeks if I was pregnant. My breast had become very full and hard and sore. My sense of smell was so sensitive and the smell of smoke would make me sick. And I remember getting painful cramps when I was at work that would last for a minute then disappear then come back. And I had the idea I was pregnant but was in doubt that I was because I was on birth control. But I had dreams and images of a baby. A baby that I would see deep inside me. And I could see myself holding onto it and crying, but something kept taking it away from me, and it was gone. I would wake up looking for it and tear. And I thought it was just a phase. I talked to my boyfriend about it. And we took a pregnancy test, and to our surprise, it was negative… Then the week after, I had my second Depo shot.

At the hospital, they ran a test on me, and placed me on I.V. They check my blood and Urine. Three hours later, A doctor and a nurse closed the curtains looking serious and told me they had news. I looked at them with such curiosity, like what could it be… “You are pregnant..” And my face went blank. I shook my head in disbelief and just couldn’t believe it. I began questioning and denying it. I had took a test a week ago, it was negative and I was on birth control. How could this be? Me? Pregnant? I couldn’t be? No way? All of it ran through my head.

I was Pregnant.

Filled with regret….

It wasn’t meant to happen.

I was in a foreign country. I was lonely. My friend who I was staying with had sent me off with his friend so he could invite somebody around for sex. He’d been cutting me off for a lot of the time that I stayed with him. I went out with this friend. We had a few drinks, got back home, and due to space, were to share a bed together. We shared a bottle of vodka between us whilst talking about how crap we both felt, how lonely we both were in different ways, and we got very emotional. I don’t remember how it happened, but we ended up having unprotected sex.

I awoke the next morning, panicking. My pants and pajama bottoms were missing, and I remembered what had happened. I ran over to find my pants and some trousers whilst he lay sleeping, and I got back into bed, filled with worries about what would happen. I knew that there was a 95% chance that I was ovulating after doing the maths relating to my period. I knew that in a short space of time, I would be pregnant. What was I going to do? What would I tell my parents? I would have to give up education. How was I going afford to keep this baby? Where would we live? Also, the soon to be father lived in Poland. Would I move here? As a young Muslim girl, my Family would never accept me. My mother and father would, but the rest of the family wouldn’t.

So lying in that bed, I made a decision. I would get the contraceptive pill. When he woke up, and my friend had come out of his room, I explained what happened to the guy I had slept with in whispers. A panicked, stricken expression crossed his face. He went out to buy hangover cures because he needed to think. I went out later to buy crisps because I needed to think. We later went out together. On our own. It was my last night in Poland and I wanted to cry. We decided that I would get the contraceptive pill. I couldn’t get it there without having to pay a lot, so I decided I would wait till the day after I landed in England.
Flying back to the UK, I felt guilty, confused, scared, worried, ashamed. It was the worst journey of my life. I kept thinking that I wanted this baby, but I couldn’t keep it. I had to take the pill.
So the next morning, New Year’s Eve, I ran to the local sexual health clinic to get access to the morning after pill. I was told it was 50% affective after 54 hours, when I went to get it. I was frightened, but took it anyway. Low and behold, my period came earlier, and pregnancy tests showed negative.

That’s all, end of the story.

Only it isn’t, is it? I wish I had never taken the pill. I regret it each day. I wake up every night in cold sweats thinking about the child that could have been. I see other peoples children, and yearn for one of my own. Not only that, I yearn for THAT baby. The baby that never was.

I hope others can learn from my mistakes, and not repeat them.

17 and 9 months pregnant..

Hi, I’m 17, getting ready to graduate high school, and 9 months pregnant. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was so scared. I called my boyfriend crying and he rushed over and I told him the news. While I was crying my eyes out, he was perfectly calm. I couldn’t understand. As a week went by, he was excited and I was scared to tell our parents.

I just knew they all would freak out. So we finally decided to tell them. I told my mother first, she freaked. She didn’t even think twice and said I was getting an abortion. I couldn’t even say anything. Then he told his parents, they were really upset with us, but they took it better than my mom. After a few weeks, my mom and aunt were on my butt still to get an abortion. “It’s going to ruin your life. You’re such a smart and pretty girl, you could go so far, we thought you were smarter than this”. I heard it all. They would go from crying and begging me to do it, to freaking out and yelling at me the next minute. It was hell. I didn’t want to get an abortion, but I felt I had to with them saying they were going to kick me out and basically never talk to me again. My boyfriend was TOTALLY against abortion and said he’d never talk to me again if I did it. I was stuck in between… I was so stressed. But I came to the decision that it was my choice, not my mom and aunt’s. I decided to keep the baby. They were mad but eventually got over it. And now here I am 9 months pregnant and getting ready to have my little baby boy Bentley next week. We are so excited, and so is my family.

So to all the girls out there who have a similar story, all I can say is be strong and even though it’s hard at first and you think your parents will never get over it think again. They will. They will understand later on that yeah, its a big deal, but not as big as they think at the beginning.

Anyone who wants to talk, please do. I need a friend in the same situation.

Xoxo

i wonder where you are….

I met my boyfriend 9 and a half months ago and ever since that day, I’ve never been happier. He has saved me from depression and sorrow.

My mum left my dad about 1 year ago, took most of everything my dad had in his house, and took my sister away from me. I chose to live with my dad and help him through this. It was one of the saddest moments of my life having to watch my dad cry most nights. It’s the hardest thing to watch a man cry. We kept each other going, but we were both struggling. until I met my boyfriend and he seemed to go out and socialize lots more. Life was heading to normality. besotted by him.

I struggled to leave him every night. I hated to sleep without him. It didn’t feel normal. So I moved in with him. Months went passed and I’ve never felt more comfortable with anyone in my life. He made me feel like I was the only women in the world. He always calls me ‘blue eyes’ because he tells me that was one of the first things he noticed when he met me. Sex wasn’t just sex with him. I found tears run down my face sometimes, not because it hurt or because I was sad, but because I felt such a connection and such love it completely overwhelmed me.

6 months flew by and I was feeling a bit down for a couple of weeks. I had missed a few pills so I thought I was due on my period, but that wasn’t it. I felt different. So different that i knew what had happened. Every morning, I had the worse nausea, not being sick but the feeling of it. I just knew. I left it a week and thought, I’ve just got to get one. I’ll never forget driving into town, reassuring myself that I wasn’t, when I just knew that I was. What am I going to do? I could hardly see the road with the amount of tears running down my eyes. I took one as I went home and there…… Two stripes staring at me. I broke down. and fell to my knees.

I convinced myself abortion is the right thing. Do I even know what I’m saying? I’m so against abortion? Why am I doing this? But I was just so scared. I didn’t tell anyone. We were to do this alone. I booked my appointment and went to the hospital for my scan, just sitting there holding my stomach thinking, how big are you? Are you a boy? Girl? Are you OK? Sitting in the waiting room, white walls, people talking and laughing, is this nothing to you? Do you enjoy this? Killing your child? This was so upsetting for me. I couldn’t understand how can people find this so easy. I was called in eventually….. 8 weeks and 4 days. I took the pill option, thinking it would be the best….

So I took my first pill, alone with no one with me. I put it in my mouth. I could feel myself welling up just thinking, this is it. I came back on the Saturday, preparing myself for what was about to come, but I realized nothing could have prepared me. 4 tablets were inserted and one in my bum, and I’ve never felt so uncomfortable in my life. I went back and sat down in my chair, but within half an hour, the pain was horrific. The cramps and pain in my stomach was the worst I have ever felt. Tears filling my eyes. I had to get some help. I stumbled out of my chamber and screamed for a doctor. The pain at this point felt like it was killing me, blood all over the floor. I felt embarrassed and scared of what was happening to me. She gave me a major pain killer, which she only gives people in serious pain, but I said that was in so much pain, I was desperate. I suddenly felt so tired, almost hallucinating. It made me drowsy and helped the pain die down.

I was woken by the nurse as blood was going through my clothes on to the bed. I went to the toilet and emptied everything into the box where the doctors took away and examined. i stopped dead. i had done this 5 times already but something was different. I looked and there…. I saw you. I saw fingers and curled up toes, a eye. and a little heart. You were so small. My child there. fixed in my memory. I could feel my heart tear. I felt sick and almost fainted. The doctors were so kind, but I felt lost and alone. Guilt rushed over me. I was the first person to finish my abortion and the first to be let go. I just wonder where you are. I just wonder who you would have been. Like me, like your dad. would you have been amazing at sport? Would you have his eyes or mine? His nose, my hair? Would you snort when you laugh like I do? Would you be cheeky or shy? Would you be tall or short?

I pray to God that one day, I will meet you. And be the mother I should have been to you. I didn’t even give you a chance. Sorry isn’t good enough. I love you. forever. Where are you…

Im Scared.

I’m scared. I feel trapped. I’m almost positive I’m pregnant. I have no idea what to do.

I’m speechless…