It’s the second Christmas since the abortion. I thought the first Christmas was bad enough, but I had him in my life; The father of the baby. He has now passed away.

There was a car accident. Myself, my mother, father, sister, and him. No one survived, but me. I’m not going to go into detail about the car accident that is not the whole, entire point of this blog.

I’m now seventeen. I had my abortion when I was fifteen. The father of the baby and I stayed together and we went through so much together. We broke up because of my moods and I just wouldn’t talk to him. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I finally opened up to him and that blossomed a lovely relationship between us both. He had confronted me that he wanted to try for a baby come New Year. I still hadn’t told him yet that due to the complications of my abortion, I cannot carry children. It broke his heart when I told him, but he was there for me more than anything.

I want to go to uni to study dance, to be a dance teacher. This is why I blame myself. If I had kept my baby two years ago my family and I wouldn’t have been on our way to watch a dance I so desperately wanted to watch as it would help my A-levels. We would of been anywhere but there, with a beautiful baby.

My mother. father and sister died instantly. I miss them so much.
But he didn’t. He was hanging on in there. I believe to give me my message.

The message to me was..
‘Please be happy, I will love you forever and always. AJ is looking down on you and he/she does not hate you, they understand and love you deeply. I’ll tell AJ you miss them. I can tell they miss their mummy. Amz, I love you’.

That was the last thing I ever heard him say. I will never forget the last kiss we had.

My message in all of this is. Don’t let anyone decide your future, it’s yours for a reason. It will be hard, everyone knows that. But make sure it’s your own. That way you wont question for the rest of your life…
‘What if?’.