I had my baby when I was young. We didn’t wait until we had careers, education, a house, two cars, and a nursery painted pink or blue. We wanted to be generous to life and accept whatever happened with adventurous spirits. Well, we got what we wanted!
Nine months and three weeks after our wedding, while living in my mother-in-law’s attic, I gave birth to a baby boy. Our life has never been the same since!
I have no regrets about spending the best years of my youth lavishing love on a husband and baby. I wouldn’t trade my life for any other. But I want to send a message to all young women, especially girls in their teens, who might be wanting to get pregnant: being a mom is a lot of work.
Sometimes I feel like all I do is go from diapers, to feeding, to playing, to napping, and back to diapers again. Even breastfeeding, which is efficient, takes a couple hours – up to half a day, for a newborn. The evening is mostly devoted to bathing, singing, cuddling, and coaxing your baby/child to sleep. A newborn takes ALL your time. I remember saying to my husband (who looked rather startled), “All I want is TEN MINUTES to shave my legs. That’s all. Just TEN MINUTES.”
This constant attention and preoccupation with babies’ needs doesn’t end when they turn one, either. You are their mother for life. You are never really off-duty until they leave home, which may be twenty years from now.
As much as I love being a mom, I sometimes get little twinges of “what might have been” jealousy. As I sat with my sister, who just got back from a 1200 mile hike through Spain, and look at pictures of abandoned castles where she slept, jagged cliff faces in the Pyrenees Mountains that she climbed, the pilgrims she met along the way (all looking very tanned and fit from traveling under the Spanish sun), I wondered, “Have I missed the boat?”
Being a mother, I just don’t have the same kind of freedom. I can’t travel whenever and wherever I want, as I used to dream. I might have the opportunity again someday, but right now my baby needs me.
It’s the same story with university. All our friends and family seem to be applying for school. They are so excited about choosing their courses, moving to new cities, seeing the country. Their careers and courses are spread out in front of them like a great big buffet table. All their options are open. As a mom, I won’t be going to school again for many years.
My social life has changed a lot, too. I get the “twinge” when I see my single friends dressing up and putting on perfume for an evening out. My husband and I used to go out all the time, and we still try, but you can’t be absolutely spontaneous when you are taking care of a baby.
I try not to let these things frustrate me. After all, it is good and natural for babies and mothers to be together. Comforting, cuddling, playing, feeding, singing, reading, bathing, and talking to your baby creates a strong emotional bond that is the groundwork for healthy emotions for the rest of their life.
Babies need fathers, too. Studies show that the need for both a father and mother is second only to survival. Children who are raised with both a mother and father (or some male that provides for and disciplines his children), are more likely to succeed in life. It is worthwhile to wait for the right man. Just because your boyfriend loves you and is willing to have a baby, doesn’t mean that he is ready to be a committed dad. Can he provide for you? Can he be a full-time dad, or is he just a “weekend” dad?
It’s hard to resist, I know. Babies are so cute and small. They have such adorable little clothes and accessories. But if you are not able to provide a full-time mother and father, you are not ready to meet their real needs. The baby does not need cute little clothes, bottles, toys, and buggies. The baby needs you. Putting your desire for a baby ahead of the baby’s well-being is selfish.
The single mom who fills the role of both father and mother, and who manages to work, go to school, and raise a child at the same time, is not selfish. She is a hero. She is more generous than the rest of us, because she gave the gift of life, and continues to give it, at great cost to herself. But she is the first to admit that her situation is not ideal.
My other concern for girls who are craving babies is that they lose their “girlhood.” Your youth is such a precious time. You are at the height of your beauty, physical energy, and even ability to learn. It is the time to lay the foundation for your future, to make life-long friends, to study, to see the world, to choose your vocation. Now, in your teens and twenties, is the time to decide which “door” to open.
The door to having a baby opens long before you get pregnant. It opens in the first stages of your relationships with boys, when you choose to have sex. Sex is a way of committing yourself. Sex speaks a special language, a social and bodily language, which says, “Take all of me, body and soul!” This is exciting and wonderful. But it leaves you open to the possibility of getting pregnant.
You don’t have to open this door. If you avoid the sexually active lifestyle, you will find incredible freedom. It takes some courage to preserve freedom. Guys will promise you the world. (Some really believe they can give you the world, but more often, the guy believes he can have sex without commitment.) Don’t fall for it. Being a “Stand Up Girl” also means standing up for yourself, standing up for your own freedom! The freedom to live your life in the glory of your youth, without the responsibilities that go with sex, the responsibilities of motherhood. There is plenty of time for that in the future.
Believe me, many adults look back longingly on the days when they could jump in a car with friends and go for a road trip. Or spend a week with grandma just reading and sleeping-in every day. Or backpack through Europe. Or go to school. Or go out in the evenings.
I don’t want to put down motherhood, or sex. But I want you to live the “golden years” of your life to their fullest potential. This way you can store up memories and experiences for the years ahead. Maybe it will even help you be a better mom, when you meet the right man and are ready for a baby.
“I’m not going to kill a healthy baby because I’m sick.” Ashley Bridges, a courageous 24-year-old woman, decided to prolong receiving treatment for bone cancer when she found out she was ten weeks pregnant. The decision to prolong treatment most likely will mean detrimental effects to her health and possibly death.
But as she says, “I mean, as a mother my job is to protect my kids.” You can read the story here: http://www.cnn.com/2015/01/16/us/mom-with-cancer/index.html.
Sometimes when we love someone, even someone who isn’t born yet, we make sacrifices, and oftentimes, love means putting someone else’s life above our own. Some people would find the actions of this woman to be naïve or foolish. Why wouldn’t she try to save herself? Why not put her own interests first? But the fact of the matter is, even though her child is not yet born, she is no less of a human being.
The reason this story made the news is because of this woman’s courageous choice, but the reality is that every day women facing an unexpected pregnancy make the same courageous choices.
Many women decide to put school or their career on hold to raise their child. Other women have to sacrifice their relationship with their family because they are pressuring her to have an abortion. Still other women sacrifice their finances to have their child. Unfortunately, society looks down on all these types of decisions because they believe that women shouldn’t have to make sacrifices for a child. The reality, however, is that sacrificial love is real.
When we put down our own needs and interests for the sake of someone else, we love them in one of the deepest and most unselfish ways possible. This type of sacrifice for love may not have outward and obvious rewards, yet there are huge internal rewards that others just can’t see. For example, women are told that they need to succeed at work and get raises and promotions. They need to get straight A’s and be at the top of their class. Achieve, Achieve, Achieve! But no regard is given to women who choose to be successful, sacrificial mothers. Maybe it’s time we all started looking at sacrificial love the same way Ashley does and stop letting others define success for us.
Having an unexpected pregnancy is very difficult, just as difficult as sacrificial love. If you are pregnant and wondering how you can get through it, there is help. There are pregnancy resource centers located all across the United States and the world that can help you give birth and raise your child. Just go to www.optionline.org and you can find help near you.
Sacrificial love is one of the greatest things we can do for another person. Unfortunately, it goes largely unappreciated by our culture. But the reality is, some of the most valuable and precious things in our lives go unnoticed and unappreciated. But like Ashley we can choose to do what is right, even if other people don’t understand.
It is said that the nine months of pregnancy are a magical time for the mother-to-be. I’m sure they are with a new life growing inside, the new experiences, and all the excitement (with a tad of nervousness) in the air.
Bringing a tiny person into the world is nothing less of a miracle, which is why it requires a lot of planning and preparation in advance for prenatal as well as post-natal care. Putting together a baby-kit replete with samples and freebies of baby products will ready you for the time when he/she arrives into the world.
While doctors will give you their expert advice for most of your queries and confusions, they aren’t going to be with you at all times. Old wives tales aren’t always helpful (or reassuring) either. You need to get all the facts about looking after yourself and your unborn baby right.
Staying healthy during pregnancy depends largely on you. You need to get all the information you’re going to need about the ways in which you can keep yourself and your unborn baby as healthy and safe as possible.
Here’s more on that.
1. Early Prenatal Care
As I’ve already mentioned, good prenatal care is crucial to the health of the mother and the baby. It is advisable to get in touch with your doctor soon as you discover (or may suspect) that you’re pregnant, which will be within 6 to 8 weeks of conception.
During your first prenatal visit, your doctor will discuss your medical history, check you for certain conditions that may be potentially harmful for the fetus, and talk about how you’ve been feeling. You will then be weighed and have your blood pressure checked. This will be done on almost every visit.
Additionally, you will have to undergo a pelvic exam where your doctor will check the size and shape of your uterus, as well as conduct a Pap smear test to check the health of your cervix. Urine and blood tests will also be taken to check for other conditions such as hepatitis and syphilis.
2. What You Eat Matters
Eating well can ensure that you stay fit and have a healthy baby. Focus on getting enough protein and calcium throughout your pregnancy. Apart from that make sure that your food is fresh, high in quality, and well-cooked.
Be wary of the kind of meats you eat. Cold deli meats, undercooked meat, chicken, eggs and seafood (especially fish with high levels of mercury) as well as unpasteurized dairy items should be avoided at all costs as there is a risk of ingesting bacteria/contaminants which can harm the baby.
3. Take Prenatal Supplements
On your visits to your doctor, you will be recommended certain prenatal supplements that contain higher levels of folic acid and iron. Ideally, you should get enough folic acid before you conceive and it is critical that you get it early in your pregnancy. Folic acid brings down the risk of birth defects such as spina bifida in babies.
Further, you need to cater to your increased iron requirements as well, especially in your second and third trimester. Talk to your doctor about the dosages though, to ensure that you do not overdose on anything. If you’re trying certain home remedies, get your doctor’s nod of approval beforehand.
4. Keep Physically Fit
While heavy exercises are a strict no-no during pregnancy, you will need to have a suitable exercise program in place to derive the strength and endurance you need to carry the weight you gain during pregnancy.
Exercising will also help prevent/ease aches, reduce stress, uplift your mood, improve proper blood circulation in your legs, and help endure labor pains. It will also make it easier for you to get back in shape after the delivery.
Remember to keep yourself hydrated. Avoid hot tubs and saunas. See your doctor immediately if exercising causes you any kind of discomfort.
5. Shun Alcohol and Caffeine
This one’s a no-brainer. Don’t drink when you’re pregnant as the alcohol can reach your baby through your bloodstream and lead to an increased risk of having low birth weight, problems with speech, language, learning, and hyperactivity.
Women who drink during pregnancy are at a greater risk for delivering a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome (FAS), mental/physical retardation and other birth effects. In extreme cases, drinking alcohol can also lead to miscarriage and stillbirth.
Another potentially harmful substance that pregnant women are better off without is caffeine. It has no nutrition and makes it difficult for your body to absorb iron. It may also give the mother sleepless nights leading to headaches and other physical conditions.
It makes sense to stop/limit the consumption of coffee or switch to decaf. Also, avoid drinking tea, aerated water, readymade juices and so-called energy drinks.
6. Say No to Smoking and Drug Abuse
Smoking and taking drugs are extremely harmful and increase the risk of miscarriage, growth problems, placental abruption, premature delivery and can generally make the pregnancy a highly complicated one.
If you’ve been participating in either of these activities, bring it to your doctor’s notice immediately.
7. Avoid Everyday Dangers
If you’re in a job that exposes you to environmental dangers such as chemicals, heavy metals, biological agents, radiation, and so on, you will need to make certain important changes as soon as possible as these elements can be harmful for you and your baby.
Apart from that, common household items that you may be using to keep it clean, pesticides, and lead in drinking water from old pipes can also pose a threat.
8. Visit Your Dentist
Several pregnant women encounter oral health issues such as swollen, bleeding and tender gums (gingivitis), thanks to the hormonal changes, increased progesterone and estrogen levels.
Do make it a point to brush, floss and get regular dental care. Visit your dentist as and when required for dental check-ups and clean-ups.
9. Get Ample Rest
Your body will talk to you throughout your pregnancy, so make sure you listen to it. The fatigue you experience in the first and third trimesters will tell you to slow down and take it easy.
Do give your body ample rest to cope with the changes. If you find it difficult to sleep, put your feet up as you sit and relax with a book or soothing music.
Employ relaxation techniques like yoga, deep breathing, stretching and massages. These will help you deal with the stress and get a better night’s sleep.
10. Be HAPPY
It is important that the mother-to-be stays happy throughout her pregnancy. However, it is common to experience mood swings during this phase.
If your mood swings are extreme and last for more than two weeks at a stretch, you may want to bring that to the notice of your doctor as it may be depression.
Conclusion
The key to the well-being of your child lies in getting regular prenatal care. A healthy mother makes a healthy baby. So ensure that you take excellent care of yourself without taking risks and making compromises. Do not skip visits to your doctor just because everything seems fine. Undergo all recommended examinations. The above tips should put you on the right track towards a healthy and normal pregnancy.
I had got the depo shot twice this year. The second time I got it, I was late for it. I can’t remember when I was supposed to back. So in other words, I’m late for my depo shot a month or more. I’ve had spotting & I’ve also had light-ish spotting with like, I’m not sure if wet discharge, I can’t explain, some websites say that means I’m ovulating even if I was recently on depo.
Well, I’ve been having unprotected sex almost every weekend. These past days I’ve been feeling bloated & my breasts were hurting earlier today, but before that, my right breast hurt & my left one didn’t. Also, I’ve had a lot of fatigue, but I’m not sure if it’s because of work & also I’ve been eating & getting more hungry. I’ve also been gassy, but I took a pregnancy test on Dec 1 morning & came out negative.
Could there still be a possibility I’m pregnant?
When I was 8 years old, my uncle started abusing me. At the time, I was scared, vulnerable, and confused. I never knew quite what was happening. I mean, what 8-year-old girl would understand what was happening. As I grew up, I started to realize what was happening to me.
To this day, I suffer from flashbacks every time I hear his name, or see something that reminds me of him.
My uncle continually raped me until the age of 14. It lasted 7 years. Then my parents and I moved away. By this time, I didn’t know what was happening in my body. I was pregnant from rape. I dropped out of school. I had no friends. No support. It’s like my life was wiped away from under me.
I was 2 months into my pregnancy by the time I realized that I was pregnant. I kept my baby. But at the time, I was also anorexic. My pregnancy didn’t go as I would have wanted. My body couldn’t digest the amount of food I needed to eat. I was ill. My baby girl was ill. I was stupid and reckless.
I started hanging around with the wrong people and that also didn’t help. I just wanted friends. I wanted company. I needed it, I was going insane. Anyway, I did my nine months and I had my baby girl who even though she was born of rape. I loved her very much.
However, after giving birth, I had to go into surgery as I damaged myself severely. I went in to surgery and came out 4 hours later to find out that my little girl had died. I held her once. Once.
I cried and I cried… All my parents could say was thank God, you can have a future and go back to school and get a good job. My parents didn’t care. They were just glad. I can never have another child again. The surgery left me infertile.
All I can say is I will never forgive myself, my parents, or my uncle. I hate everyone now. I hate people, I hate babies, I hate children. But for some reason, I had to share my story and try and get it off of my chest. I’m glad that I spoke out. Hopefully this might help someone, the way I needed help.
At 19, I became pregnant by someone I had only known for 3 months or so… When I told him, he automatically said that I should get an abortion. That we weren’t ready and we were too young. Abortion for me had never been an option.
I had been against it for myself and never wanted to go through it. However, this man that I’d known for so little time, I had already felt strongly for. We had spent every day together. So I went to the clinic. This was my first ever pregnancy so I had no idea what to expect. When I finally had the ultrasound, I opted for them to tell me if there was only one or if there were more little blips in there. There were 2. I was so excited and scared, but I knew that before I even left, I wouldn’t be coming back. I told him no and had our twins. He stuck by and when my twins turned 3, I had become pregnant. We were happy, I was ecstatic, and I fell even more in love with him.
One day, a couple weeks after I found out, he came home and the joy was gone and he told me it was bad timing. He promised if I gave up that pregnancy, we would definitely do it when the twins turned 5. I did not want to go through that but the man I loved asked me to do it so I made the appointment and went through with it to make him happy. I knew when our twins turned 5, I would have another chance. That was the worst year of my life. I was so sad and I cried all the time. I hated him and I hated myself. Well our twins were 5 and I had become pregnant again. I had no doubts I’d be able to keep this pregnancy because he promised. When I told him, this was his response. Word for word and all in one breathe: “I would NEVER ask you to go through that again, I seen how much it hurt you and what you went through, but just not right now.” I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. But the man I loved asked me to do something again so I made the appointment. I went to the appointment and I couldn’t go through with it. When I got in the car, he didn’t understand. It seemed like such a problem that the same day I had him take me back to the clinic.
Outside before I went in, I begged him to please let me keep this one. I asked him, are you sure? He said yes, just not right now. It will be better when the twins turn 7. I went back in and was almost refused but they did the procedure and I left. Now a year later, I decided to take a stand and I took out my birth control and told him I want another baby and there are no if ands or buts about it. Give me a baby or leave. He did not like that very much but I didn’t care. I had wanted a baby since my first abortion and if I could give up something so important to me twice for HIM, he should be able to sacrifice for me. It isn’t like he has to carry the baby or feed the baby. He doesn’t even work so it isn’t like he would have to pick up extra hours to pay for things. I would carry and feed the baby and since I work and support the household I would have to pick up extra hours to pay for things. All I wanted from him was sperm, which I could get anywhere. Finally he said OK. And now 5 months later and still no pregnancy. He has been avoiding having sex on certain days and times of the month. He even pulls out and thinks I don’t know.
The reason I am sharing this story is so that maybe I can save someone from the regret I feel every single day. Not just for having the 2 abortions but for letting him be the deciding factor in my life choices. I am planning on leaving him very soon and moving forward with my life. If a man asks you to do something like this and you don’t want to I encourage you to think about yourself and the fact that he will never know or care about the pain that you will go though. If you do it for anyone do it for yourself because that will make it easier to live with. If I would have done what I wanted and not care if he were to have left or not (which he wouldn’t have) I would most likely have 2 more beautiful kids. Now while I am very blessed to have my twins, I will always have regret and resentment in my heart. There will always be an unfillable void. Please if you do want to go though it there is no judgment here but do it for yourself and no one else. Do not make excuses like I want my kids to have a father or he will love me more if I do this for him. Kids grow up just fine everyday without their dad and I can promise you he won’t. He will own you. Just decide for you and only you. I’ve made this mistake twice now and I would give anything to get at least one back.
