When I was 16, I had sex for the first time. I was totally in love with my boyfriend, so much so I probably would have taken a bullet for him. I really believed we were meant to be.
Well, about I’d say a week after we had sex, I started noticing myself changing, EARLY, Super early pregnancy symptoms, I tried to ignore them, thinking I was just worried over nothing. But I missed my period, I knew I was pregnant, I didn’t wanna believe it. About 3 weeks later, I took at test. I knew what the answer was gonna be before I even took the test, So I went ahead and set up a doctor’s appointment too.
After I took my at home test, I called my boyfriend, who was getting distant from me and I knew he was about to leave me anyway, but I had to tell him he was going to be a father whether I could handle his reaction or not. And of course, He bolted. He gave me a million reasons why he didn’t wanna be a father and didn’t want anything more to do with me.
I balled my eyes out for what seemed like days and days. I loved this little baby I knew absolutely nothing about it, other than it was going to ruin my life. But I couldn’t abort it like my ex had wanted…there was no way. I loved it too much already, and it was the only thing I had left of the love of my life, It seemed to mean so much more then.
After dealing with the stress of having my parents know and the morning, noon, and midnight sickness that refused to go away, I was a mess.
A few days before I was supposed to go to the doctor, I had a miscarrige. I didn’t know what to think. I was totally devistated. I felt like a part of me had just been ripped away. Everybody thought that I should have been relieved but I wasn’t. I felt so lost.
After a while, I thought I was over it. It had been a few years and I was 19. One day, while sitting at a red light, talking to my mom in the car, I broke down crying. I couldn’t help it. I didn’t even know what had made me think about it. But I still think about it everyday. My mom explained to me that I would just be made me a stronger, more understanding person, and it has. And that it was not my fault like I thought it was. For years, I wondered what it was I did wrong. She explained to me that maybe God had other plans for me. My mom has been my rock through all of this. I’d never have made it without her.
Still, I love this little baby I’ll never know. And I hope it knows that wherever it is. I know I wasn’t too far along, almost 9 or 10 weeks, but it still hurts. Just I have decided to use this lil one who’s out there watching over me (I hope) to be my inspiration to do better for myself. To just be the best person I can. I’m about to turn 21 soon, and it still gets to me. I know all things heal with time and nobody can tell you how long it will take you to “recover” from something like this.
The baby’s father’s cousin and I have been really good friends for years and he explained to the baby’s father exactly what I was going though and had been put through. Since then, The father and I have become friends again, only he knows some things just can’t be forgiven right now.
The point of my LONG story was, this can be one of the most emotionally painful thing anyone can ever go through. The loss of a child, born or not, is horrible. And sometimes, you need a lot of support to work your way through it.
So I am here for anybody who needs somebody to talk to. Whether you were only 2 weeks along or 14, I get what you’re going through.
I was in the US Navy. Who would have thought that the people that are supposed to protect the country could be so cruel?
I guess I was just 18 and naive. My first day on my ship, my Master Chief told me and the group of newbies to, “watch your back, you’re fresh meat. Condoms are free in medical.” I kid you not. I wasn’t the type to sleep around, I never was. I’ve never done the bar or club scene either. But I hooked up with one of the guys in my division and things were going fine. January 1, I got off duty at 0730 and got the duty driver to take me to my barracks room along with 2 friends, and another guy from another division. We were dropped off at the gate and the 4 of us decided to stop at the gas station and get some booze to celebrate the New Year since we had all been on our 24-hour duty schedule.
So we picked it out and the only one of my 2 friends old enough to buy alcohol stayed behind and bought it while the rest of us walked to the barracks. The new guy asked if he could join us all, and the guy I was hooking up with told him sure he could, but first we were going to go to the mall. So we did.
Now, I had never met the new guy before, but something about him gave me a bad feeling. At the mall, I didn’t want to walk by him or anything. He kept offering me money and to buy me clothes and such. He just seemed too eager. I wrote it off as being socially inept.
So we got back to the barracks. Along the way, we had lost him, thankfully. Too bad about an hour later, he came knocking on my door. Now I wasn’t too worried, I had my two friends with me, what could happen……?
I was raped. I don’t know if i was drugged, or just blacked out from the alcohol. I have a black hole in my memory that is at least 2 hours long. I remember a shadow on top of me and somebody else taking the bottle of Smirnoff from me before I dropped it. Then hours later, waking up in a different bed, but still in my room, and in my pajamas instead of my jeans.
I wasn’t told what happened for 5 days, until one of my ‘friends’ couldn’t handle the guilt. My two ‘friends’ had stripped me, showered me, and dressed me after the rape. They said I was awake and talking during the two hours I don’t remember, that’s why I think drugs were involved.
I didn’t report the rape to my superiors until a Second Class Petty Officer made a snide remark. That was 27 days after the rape. I decided to be taken off the ship and moved to a temporary duty station.
Now I said I wasn’t the type to sleep around, but after the rape and the remarks and the looks, I went on a downward spiral that landed me in Bar’s bed. I really liked Bar. Dead sexy, charming, hard working, protective. Everything I needed after what I’d been through. But then I had to be moved to a different barracks closer to my new duty station. That’s where I met Del.
Del is so charming and handsome. He’s also a snake. And a liar, a cheater, and a suspected child killer. He’s also the father of my 4 year old daughter. I ended up pregnant at 18, he was 23. He wanted me to have an abortion, but no way was I going to do that. Then he told me why he wanted me to have an abortion. He’s married. Too bad, so sad for him.
I ended up getting out of the Navy so I could raise my daughter. I got my associates degree too. It was stressful, and I missed her when I was gone, but it worked out.
Remember Bar? Well when I left the Navy when i was 7 months pregnant with my daughter, we started calling each other. We called each other for 18 months, then he came to visit me in Feb. And in Sep., we got engaged. Oh I loved him. He was great to me. At least, to my face.
In January, I got pregnant. LOL On New Year’s day. No alcohol this time though. In February, on Valentine’s day, we closed on the loan for our house. Great, right? July 2, I’m 7 months pregnant, and now single. He left me pregnant and with a mortgage to pay.
I had my son in Sept. He’s so handsome, and for 8 months, we were so happy. Then Bar decided to take me to court for visitation. He got it. Supervised visits every other Tuesday and Wednesday. That only lasted for 3 months. Then the courts gave Bar overnight, unsupervised visits. Now mind you, he lives in New York, not a resident of Ohio, where my son and I live. So my son stays with Bar at his friend’s house like 15 miles from my home.
Bar is also trying to get the court to sell my house so he can get off the paperwork. Too bad I’ve been trying to get him to sign a quit claim deed for 2 years. He just wants money. Speaking of money, Bar gets all the parental rights he wants, but hasn’t paid a single cent in child support.
Every other week, I go through the hardest thing any mother goes through. Giving her child to somebody she not only hates, but doesn’t trust either. It’s like a recuring nightmare. However, I am allowed phone contact with my son during the visitation. Too bad Bar denies me.
Both times I became pregnant, I thought of an abortion at one point. But being pregnant with my daughter literally saved my life. With everything that had happened to me, I was suicidal. The balcony was looking pretty good. But when I looked over the balcony to the ground below I thought to myself, “If I jump, and I don’t die, but I kill the baby, I don’t think I could live with myself.” I went through this train of thought many times.
With my son, while Bar was still around we both talked about an abortion, we didn’t think we were in a good situation to have a baby. But I haven’t been with Bar since I was 18 weeks pregnant. He doesn’t get to make my decisions. But I made the classic mistake of thinking that maybe once the baby was born, we could work things out and be a family. I was wrong.
I agree with a lot of women who say that they hate their baby daddies. I hate mine. But I also love them both. I have two beautiful, healthy babies because of these males. I am mostly indifferent to my daughter’s father, I just resent him not even trying to know her. But I hate Bar. I want him to leave my son alone and let him be happy. I want him to stop hurting my daughter by being cruel to her. But I love him every time I see my son grin, because without Bar, my son wouldn’t be here.
I couldn’t wait anymore.
I just HAD to find out. I thought it would be too early, it’s only been about 2 weeks since it happened. But I read about the first response tests and I had to see it. I had to know. I tested positive around 6:00 pm on January 7 for my first baby. I’m only 16, but I’m taking care of my responsibility with my boyfriend. Only obstacle I now face is telling my mom and daddy…
What’s gonna happen ???
I think the hardest part of finding out you’re pregnant is the worrying. Worrying about telling your boyfriend, your family, your friends. Worrying about the future, money, education, jobs, a place to live. My first thought was “this is a life sentence.” I am going to have something that I can never walk away from when it frustrates me, or break up with when I can’t be bothered anymore. This will be my life, and other people will have an opinion on it. (I’m only seventeen.)
But since I found out, which is about 3 months ago, I have grown up so much and MY opinion has changed entirely. This is something I will have for the rest of my life. But it is NOT a negative thing. Everyone I care about has been supportive from day one, most of them are probably just as excited as I am.
Life is not short. Life is the longest thing you will ever do! There is plenty of time for college and a career. It just has to be put on the back burner for a while.
And all the people with opinions? If I wanted them, I’d ask! This was my life the last time I checked and since when have my decisions affected you??? So the people who tut when they see my pregnant belly? I don’t care. The people who gossip about me and say nasty things? Well I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt who said “small minds discuss people”. Worry about what’s going on in your life, not mine!
But lastly, The biggest thank you has to said to my family, friends, and of course, my boyfriend who have and do continue to support me, no matter how out of control my hormones are. For anyone else who has any worries about what’s going to happen…..another favorite quote is “The only person standing in your way is you.” In fairness, who else would dare stand in the path of a rampaging pregnant woman???
Que sera sera…you just have to deal with the hand your dealt. Do your best and ignore the people who try to put you down. They have no idea what this situation is like until they are in it themselves.
So for now, I’m happy to be covered in stretch marks, hormonal as hell, and spending the majority of time in the toilet. I’ve made my peace with my situation and hopefully, I’m growing into the type of mother my kid will look at and say I wanna be just like my mum.
It wasn’t as permanent as I thought, it wasn’t final. I’ve always believed that it solved problems, but that changed when it was my turn to make the decision. I knew that I had to but that never made it easier…
Afterwards, I pretended everything was alright, that I was fine with what I had chosen to do, but I wasn’t. A part of me died that day on that table, I will never be the person I was before the procedure. I don’t think I’ll ever really be OK again. I kept telling myself that therapy and anti-depressors would make me feel human again, but it didn’t. I think it made it worse. If there was an answer, a pill, a treatment that could wipe away the memory of that child or that could make me feel like myself again, I’d try it, I’d try anything. I’m so desperate to be OK, just OK… not fine or perfect, just plain OK.
There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about it, when I don’t wonder about my little baby. Would it have been a boy or a girl? I would’ve wanted a little girl, Sophia, that’s what I would have named her… Would she have resembled me or her father? I picture her with her father’s kind, warm, loving green eyes… I can imagine her first steps, her first words, but I’ll never experience that with her, because I killed her. What kind of mother kills their unborn child?! Sometimes I think I didn’t deserve that perfect little angel, that I’m not good enough to love and appreciate a precious gift like that.
I spend every hour of every day remembering that mistake, reminding myself, punishing myself fro having an abortion… The longing to rectify that mistake, to have another child to make up for what I did is so intense and all consuming. The pain gets worse every time I see a pregnant woman, when I see a mother with her new born baby, when I hear a baby laugh or cry, it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces and I cant put it back together anymore.
To the women that can understand,
I am 3-4 weeks pregnant for the 3rd time in my life. I am 19 years old, a sophomore in college and have a very hard decision to make. When I was 16, I had my first abortion. It was my choice because I knew I was too young to have a child. Two years later, I got pregnant again due to emotional instability and was forced by my mother to get the other abortion. Now I come home for Christmas Break, from not seeing my boyfriend since August, and now I’m pregnant.
I am scared out of my mind. My mother said next time I get pregnant, I got to leave her house. I want to finish school and also have my baby but I know my mother will not go for that. I feel like if I have one more abortion, I will not be able to have children ever again.
I don’t know what to. I’m 19 and I want to live my life with my child but I need my mothers support.
