It’s not an easy life, but it’s MY life…

I was in the US Navy. Who would have thought that the people that are supposed to protect the country could be so cruel? I guess I was just 18 and naive. My first day on my ship, my Master Chief told me and the group of newbies to, "watch your back, your fresh meat. Condoms are free in medical." I kid you not. I wasn't the type to sleep around, I never was. I've never done the bar or club scene either. But I hooked up with one of the guys in my division and things were going fine. January 1, 2004 I got off duty at 0730 and got the duty driver to take me to my barracks room along with 2 friends, and another guy from another division. We were dropped off at the gate and the 4 of us decided to stop at the gas station and get some booze to celebrate the new year, since we had all been on our 24 hour duty schedule.

So we picked it out and Ross, the only one of my 2 friends old enough to buy alcohol, stayed behind and bought it while the rest of us walked to the barracks. The new guy, Brigham, asked if he could join us all, and Gadson, the guy I was hooking up with, told him sure he could, but first we were going to go to the mall. So we did.

Now, I had never met Brigham before, but something about him gave me a bad feeling.  At the mall I didn't want to walk by him or anything. He kept offering me money and to buy me clothes and such. He just seemed too eager. I wrote it off as being socially inept.

So we got back to the barracks. Along the way we had lost Brigham, thankfully. Too bad about an hour later he came knocking on my door. Now I wasn't too worried, I had my two friends with me, what could happen……?

I was raped. I don't know if i was drugged, or just blacked out from the alcohol. I have a black hole in my memory that is at least 2 hours long. I remember a shadow on top of me and somebody else taking the bottle of Smirnoff from me before I dropped it. Then hours later waking up in a different bed, but still in my room, and in my pajamas instead of my jeans.

I wasn't told what happened for 5 days, until one of my 'friends' couldn't handle the guilt. My two 'friends' had stripped me, showered me, and dressed me after the rape. They said I was awake and talking during the two hours I don't remember, that's why I think drugs were involved.

I didn't report the rape to my superiors until a Second Class Petty Officer made a snide remark. That was 27 days after the rape. I decided to be taken off the ship and moved to a temporary duty station.

Now I said I wasn't the type to sleep around, but after the rape and the remarks and the looks, I went on a downward spiral that landed me in Barcenas' bed. I really liked Barcenas. Dead sexy, charming, hard working, protective. Everything I needed after what I'd been through. But then I had to be moved to a different barracks closer to my new duty station. That's where I met Delarosa.

Delarosa is so charming and handsome. He's also a snake. And a liar, a cheater, and a suspected child killer. He's also the father of my 4 yr old daughter. I ended up pregnant at 18, he was 23. He wanted me to have an abortion, but no way was I going to do that. Then he told me why he wanted me to have an abortion. He's married. Too bad, so sad for him.

I ended up getting out of the Navy so I could raise my daughter. I got my associates degree too. It was stressful, and I missed her when I was gone, but it worked out.

Remember Barcenas? Well when I left the Navy when i was 7 months pregnant with my daughter in 2004, we started calling each other. We called each other for 18 months, then he came to visit me in Feb. 2006. And in Sep. 2006 we got engaged. Oh I loved him. He was great to me. At least, to my face.

In January 2007 I got pregnant. LOL On New Year's day. No alcohol this time though. In February, on Valentine's day, we closed on the loan for our house. Great right? July 2, 2007 I'm 7 months pregnant, and now single. He left me pregnant and with a mortgage to pay.

I had my son in Sept 2007. He's so handsome, and for 8 months we were so happy. Then Barcenas dicided to take me to court for visitation. He got it. Supervised visits every other tuesday and wednesday. That only lasted for 3 months. Then the courts gave Barcenas overnight, unsupervised visits. Now mind you, he lives in New York, not a resident of Ohio, where my son and I live. So my son stays with Barcenas at his friend's house like 15 miles from my home.

Barcenas is also trying to get the court to sell my house so he can get off the paperwork. Too bad I've been trying to get him to sign a quit claim deed for 2 years. He just wants money. Speaking of money, Barcenas gets all the parental rights he wants, but hasn't paid a single cent in child support.

Every other week I go through the hardest thing any mother goes through. Giving her child to somebody she not only hates, but doesn't trust either. It's like a recuring nightmare. However, I am allowed phone contact with my son during the visitation. Too bad Barcenas denies me.

Both times I became pregnant I thought of an abortion at one point. But being pregnant with my daughter literally saved my life. With everything that had ahppened to me I was suicidal. The balcony was looking pretty good. But when I looked over the balcony to the ground below I thought to myself, "If I jump, and I don't die, but I kill the baby, I don't think I could live with myself." I went through this train of thought many times.

With my son, while Barcenas was still around we both talked about an abortion, we didn't think we were in a good situation to have a baby. But I haven't beenwith Barcenas since I was 18 weeks pregnant. He doesn't get to make my decisions. But I made the classic mistake of thinking that maybe once the baby was born we could work things out and be a family. I was wrong.

I agree with a lot of women who say that they hate their baby daddies. I hate mine. But I also love them both. I have two beautiful, healthy babies because of these males. I am mostly indifferent to my daughter's father, I just resent him not even trying to know her. But I hate Barcenas. I want him to leave my son alone and let him be happy. I want him to stop hurting my daughter by being cruel to her. But I love him every time I see my son grin, because without Barcenas my son wouldn't be here.