I wrote this to represent the addictive nature of self-harm/cutting…
A simple heart.
A life to live.
So much help and talent to give.
But beneath it all,
Such pain was masked.
Hope slipped away as she tried to grasp.
Too little, too late.
No one seemed to care.
Now softly crying, she’s kneeling there.
Wrapping her arms in a crimson blanket.
Knowing with each slice,
She really hates it.
Holding the blade with trembling hands
Soon his captive she becomes.
Screaming ‘No please stop!’ she jerks away, but soon finds out she cannot run.
Not only her arm, but her heart he has.
She begs and pleads but no one hears.
The only company, this small, sharp master; the only sound, her falling tears.
Do any of you struggle with cutting?
Bright crimson red flows from her precious skin… A token of pain’s sweet embrace.
Darkness grips her stained glass heart again, as well-known tears kiss her joyless face.
Smooth as the writer’s loveliest pen, the blade creatively writes its song.
Of regret and pain, of love and hate. A life void of hope for so long.
The blood seems to ease the numbness for a moment, much like drops of rain quench a dying plant’s thirst.
But one drop of rain is never enough. And this scarring slash is only the first.
A fallen angel… Such beauty broken.
She lived with grace, whose heart was stolen.
When time ran out, a choice was made.
For forbidden love’s thrill, her wings she’d trade.
A thousand tears fell from her eyes, when love betrayed her with no goodbyes.
And regret, that realized all was done, begged for the wings that now were gone.
Forever chained, by choice, to ground; her covered face and head hung down.
Dirt and thorns had stained and torn the pure white gown with pride she’d worn.
Now, with only regret and sorrow, gazes she upon tomorrow.
And a cry is heard, a distant sound from up above the lonely ground.
She felt His tears fall on her skin, as ugly reality finally set in.
She, now fallen, never again to fly;
Of her own free will, had turned from heaven and said goodbye.
Dear Mommy,
I know you never got the chance to hold me, to see me smile, to look into my eyes… And I know that the pain of regret rips through your heart every day because you miss me. But Mommy, I want to tell you that I love you so much and I forgive you.
I understand that you were so very scared, and didn’t know what to do. It hurt me because I wanted to be with you, but Mommy, it’s OK now. I’m with the angels in heaven and I am happy and laughing. It hurts my tiny heart to look down from heaven and see you so sad, Mommy. I wish that you knew how much I love you and adore you and look forward to meeting you one day!
Oh Mommy, please please don’t cry. I know how sorry you are, i know how much you wish you could take that decision back. But I forgive you mommy. I forgive you for everything.. and God forgives you too. Now mommy, please try to forgive yourself, for me. It hurts me to see you still hurting so badly. You did what you felt was best.. and I understand. It was so scary and confusing for you. God has so much in store for your life, Mommy, ’cause you are so so special!
Just keep holding on, and try every day to find new reasons to smile. ‘Cause when you smile, Mommy, I smile too. And when you laugh, I giggle. Never give up, Mommy, because I won’t give up on you! I can’t wait to meet you one day! I know you miss me, and you have regrets… But everything will be OK. I promise. You are completely forgiven and ALWAYS loved. I will be with you in your heart forever, Mommy. I will always be there.
Until we meet and embrace…
Your little angel
I have become so convincing with the mask i wear. Can anyone else relate to this?
Anyone ever wish there was a place where you could actually take the “Life is fine. Things are fine. I am fine” mask off and just be REAL? And all without being judged or feeling like a failure? Well, there is… I understand the pain of having feelings eating away at you inside, but being afraid to let them out. I’m here anytime for you guys. You can always be real with me. Let’s leave the masks for Halloween.
“Thousands of tears from the sky beat against my skin… I’m wonderin’ why. Why on earth am I here?? No one sees what i’m feelin’.. They all trust me, but have no reason.. It’s cold like death, but i’m still breathin’. Fallin’ into nothing; grasping for anything; beggin’ for someone; but no one’s listening.
Do they see me slippin’ away? Feel me growin’ cold? I’m puttin’ on the performance of a lifetime. I doubt they’ll ever know. That i feel this rage, this pain, this guilt… And over what?? All problems seem to lie within myself.
Do they see beneath the smile, the lines my tears have made? Do they notice the sparkle in my eyes, how it’s faded into grey? Bet they’d never guess, that though I do my very best, I’m just as jacked up, screwed up, chained up, and beat up as the rest. No longer the perfect, innocent, angelic girl they all expect to see. So many mistakes… If they only knew the darkness that lurks inside of me.
Beggin’ for a hero to save whatever I have left… to breathe life into my lungs, pump hope into my veins… save me from this living death.”
