Dear my sweet little angel,

Today is your first birthday, and I am so sad I cannot spend it with you. You’re so grown up, baby, you probably would’ve made me so proud. I still miss you, I really and truly do. I cry every once in awhile because I feel your pain; you not having your mommy or daddy with you. It’s tough, baby, I know it is. I picked out new names for you. you, in a few years, will be Layla or Adrienne, or Ali or Amar. They’re Arabic names after your daddy’s culture. Can you believe it? you would’ve been a strange mix of Palestinian, Italian, Dutch, Polish, French, Russian, Irish, German, Swedish, Scottish and a few more. I think you would’ve been beautiful or handsome. Anyway, I really miss you down here. I keep telling myself get pregnant get pregnant because I just want to get you back into my tummy and watch you grow, then when you come out i want to watch you grow more and teach you how to walk or how to ride a bike, or put a band aid on your booboo or be there for your first heartbreak–I want to be with you every single day. I cry a lot, especially now since it’s your birthday and since my life has gotten bad. I wouldn’t be a parent like your grandparents; I would love you and guide you and protect you. I would cradle you in my arms when you’re scared or rub your tummy when you feel sick or tickle you when you’re sad; I just want to be with you. Trust me love, I would take that moment back in a heartbeat.

Anyways, I just want you to know that I tried to fight for you, I was just too scared to be alone and to raise you possibly by myself or in a house of drunks. Trust me sweetie, you will always be my baby and my little angel. Have a good birthday.

love always,

Mommy. <3