Hi. Right now, I am 18 weeks 2 days pregnant with my third child. The only thing is, this is the first one that has survived this long.
When I was 16 years old, I got pregnant with my first boyfriend and at about 3 weeks gestation, miscarried. It wasn’t as painful, because I wasn’t too far along, but I was in pain. Then last year, I got pregnant with my ex on October 12th, and on the day of my 8th week, I miscarried. I was alone in the bathroom, bent over in pain. It was indescribable. I didn’t cry, not till after it happened. It was blood and pain and nothing else was really going through my mind. After I knew I had pushed the baby out…I finished up and got off the toilet. When I turned around and looked in to check out what had happened…There he/she was. My baby lay there in the fetal position…in the amniotic sac. A little white thing…lifeless. That was when I began to cry.
That was the night I was rushed by my friend to the hospital to get checked out. It was true that I had a miscarriage. Painful in more than just one way as well. So, being pregnant today makes me very happy! 🙂 When I was 16 weeks 4 days pregnant, I was up at 12 am throwing up. It got very painful to the point I could not talk or breathe properly. My fiancé called 911 and told them what was going on and the EMS came to our home and checked me out. They took me to the hospital and once test after test was done, they came to a conclusion. I had gall bladder sludge and a viral infection – both coincided with each other. I have now been sick for two weeks and recently got put on Diclection – one of the BEST things that a pregnant woman could ever take for nausea! I was worried about my baby’s heartbeat, but sure enough, everything was fine.
When I was in the hospital, I got an ultrasound done and the technician had asked if I wanted to know the gender of my baby and of course, I said yes! Now, before she started anything, she told me that she would only tell me if she was sure and to be honest, I was in doubt that she would find anything that early! So as the ultrasound continued, I fell asleep and at the end, she woke me up and told me the results. The baby’s heartbeat was still beating strong and everything was growing appropriately. Then at the end, she said, “Congratulations, you’re having a little girl!” Well, that made my whole day, despite the fact I was in the hospital for 13 hours previously!
I got discharged at 1 pm and waited till 3 pm for my mother to come pick me up, as she and my father live more than an hour away from me now. I showed her the picture that the technician had given me and my mom started to cry. She is happy that everything is going well for us – minus the sickness part. It’s hard having this pregnancy practically in bed every day and up every night. I have to be very careful what I eat and I cannot eat after 4 pm. Throughout this pregnancy, I have lost 11lbs from being sick and probably more since then. But it’s not hurting my baby, which is good. She apparently is taking in all the fat that I’ve lost…which I’m glad about! I hope she’s a good size – 5-7lbs!
May 28th is the due date of this beautiful little girl! We have decided to name her Jordyn May – Louise. Jordyn is a name we both liked, May is my grandmothers middle name and Louise is my middle name, along with my mother’s and one of my great grandmother’s first name is Louise! So we put all of them together to make up something we loved! The greatest thing I’ve gone through with this pregnancy is feeling my baby girl kick! It feels amazing, yet weird at the same time. I don’t know, it’s just amazing!! 😀
I just thought that I’d put this Blog up to keep myself busy while I watch my movie. It’s something I have to do, or I’m going to go insane! 🙂
Well, I’ll keep everyone updated with this pregnancy!
Thinking bout my old life.
It might be my fault that my family fell apart. I know it’s my fault. Maybe if I wasn’t pregnant, my dad wouldn’t have left like that. He might have gotten a regular divorce. Told us in advance and not have left us. If I wasn’t pregnant, then my mom wouldn’t have gotten so sour. She used to be the sweetest mom. In school, I used to write to her every Mother’s Day. I used to hug her and tell her “I love you” every night and she would say “I love you” back. Now I can’t look at her without her glaring at me or telling me that now she has another mouth to feed.
When I was younger my mom used to tell me that I was the joy in her life and that she had big plans for me. In the pictures I see when I was a baby, I saw everyone happy, caring, loving, perfect. I see those pictures and I think about the future.
I think about the could have happen and what didn’t happen and what is happening. I think about my dad, and ask questions. I think bout my baby daddy and ask questions. I think bout my mom and think bout questions. I think about my sister, who I let down. I think about my friends and ask then why did they leave me. I thought we were BFF. I think bout my baby and I think about me.
Pregnancy did change my life. I don’t want to put my baby for adoption, but I’m starting to. I don’t, I don’t, and I don’t want to put my little girl in adoption. I really don’t. I don’t think I can. But I don’t have money. I’m only 14. No place is going to hire a 14 year old girl who doesn’t even go to school and has a baby and if there was a place, what will happen with my lil girl? There’s nowhere to leave her. I can’t leave her with a stranger, no way. and I can’t leave her with anybody I know. They wouldn’t take care of her and they don’t even care. I don’t even have a crib for her and not even clothes for her to live. The environment in my house is bad. I’m all alone. In my head, I don’t even know what age I am sometimes. Sometimes, I do feel like my age, but there are times that I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry my heart out and I want my mom there to hug me and comfort me. There are times i fell like a little kid and there are times i feel like an 42 year old women.
Crushes, dates, movies, parties, school, teenage life. That’s all gone. I envy some teen moms. I’m like, wow, I wish i had their life. Even five dollars would help at least, but I wasted all my collage money and all my saving money to buy at least a couple things for the baby and now in my bank, I have literally 0 dollars. ZERO. Nothing.
I don’t know anymore.
Anybody got some New Year resolutions they would like to share???????
Mine are:
1: To keep up in school
2: Start making better choices
3: Learning how to make the best out of a terrible situation.
4: Start taking better care of myself, and who I surround myself with. (Friends or anyone)
5: Stop thinking about negative events, stop looking back on regrets, and make a better future for me as well as my family.
It’s weird to think that if I was pregnant, I would be 28 weeks and 2 days along. The due date was March 3rd. I have no regrets about the pregnancy scare, but I thank God each day that I’m not pregnant today.
But I do have regrets about the relationship with my ex. I didn’t deserve to be with him. I was a bragging right to him, to get in my pants. And I know that I may sound mean saying this, but it’s true. After our relationship ended (because of my depression and not wanting it to affect him), he became a total jerk. I tried being friends with him, not wanting to ruin our friendship and childhood together, but he didn’t want to be friends. He told me either we were together or nothing at all, and I said I just wanted to be friends and that there should be a middle choice, but he said no and walked away from everything.
Deep inside, I know it was for the better. We don’t talk at all nowadays. But in November, he texted me and sent me a friend request on Facebook. I replied to neither. It’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? To not be friends? No contact? He asks my friends how I am. They say I’m happy and together with another guy who I’m inseparable with. He says he’s happy for me and that he wants to talk to me more, but I say that’s never going to happen. After being such a jerk to me and not wanting to talk to me, he got what he wanted, and now he wants to talk to me? No, it’s not going to happen. And I’m not going to say sorry either, because there’s nothing to be sorry about at all.
Maybe I shouldn’t have regrets, you know? Cause now, I want to wait to have sex. I want to save myself for the perfect guy, and not have to worry about pregnancy scares when I’m 16 or 17 or 18 and so on. But I’m not saying that I want to save sex for marriage but at the same time I do… I don’t know it’s confusing.
But now, I believe I’ve met the perfect guy. I thought I was in love with Bailey, unconditionally in love with Bailey. But I was wrong. I watched this show about this woman who speaks to schools about sex and she said, “You know you’re in love when that person respects you and your values. And if you were to draw a boundary on how far you want to go in your relationship, they wouldn’t pass it.” And that made me realize things about the past relationship with Bailey. I told him I didn’t want to go far or anything, and he stepped over the line. FAR over the line.
And the guy who I’m with now and who’s the perfect guy, knows I don’t want to go down that road again. It’s like… I had to travel that road with all the bumps and cracks and crappy weather just to lead to the road where the road is smooth and the weather is absolutely perfect. And it’s actually funny too cause he said he wants to save himself for the perfect person too and that the perfect person is me. I replied, “What if I want to die a virgin?” and he said, “Then I will die a virgin too.” He has the same values as I do and respects me. And I respect him and his values.
I’m sure I’m in love with him. 100% sure. Before we started going out, my heart beat with no meaning, just trying to get through the day, you know? And now that we’re going out, He’s the meaning of my life. I can’t picture my life without him, at all. I went to Mexico in November for a week. And I was so homesick without him. It’s like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I had this lonely feeling in my chest. Colors weren’t as bright… Nothing was right. And plus, I couldn’t call him or text him. The only way how we could communicate was through Facebook chat.
But when that Monday came, and when I first saw him after first period… My heart was back in my chest. And when we hugged, time froze. It was just us two in the crowded hallway. Nobody around us; just us. Hand in hand walking down the hallway, with grins stretching across our face and ending at our ears.
I know what some of you might say: “You’re not in love. It’s only puppy love” or “You’re too young to be in love” or something like that. I know I am. I am. I am. I am. This is not me convincing myself that I am. It’s me telling you guys I am. If this isn’t love… then what does love feel like? Is it really that much greater of a feeling? Cause when we kiss.. the world stops. I get butterflies, my heart races. If I’m in the same room or building as him, I have butterflies, blurred vision, I can’t think straight, and I forget things so easily. You can’t tell me this isn’t love. I know it is. I love him unconditionally.
He’s the meaning of my life. <3
It’s the second Christmas since the abortion. I thought the first Christmas was bad enough, but I had him in my life; The father of the baby. He has now passed away.
There was a car accident. Myself, my mother, father, sister, and him. No one survived, but me. I’m not going to go into detail about the car accident that is not the whole, entire point of this blog.
I’m now seventeen. I had my abortion when I was fifteen. The father of the baby and I stayed together and we went through so much together. We broke up because of my moods and I just wouldn’t talk to him. I wouldn’t talk to anyone. I finally opened up to him and that blossomed a lovely relationship between us both. He had confronted me that he wanted to try for a baby come New Year. I still hadn’t told him yet that due to the complications of my abortion, I cannot carry children. It broke his heart when I told him, but he was there for me more than anything.
I want to go to uni to study dance, to be a dance teacher. This is why I blame myself. If I had kept my baby two years ago my family and I wouldn’t have been on our way to watch a dance I so desperately wanted to watch as it would help my A-levels. We would of been anywhere but there, with a beautiful baby.
My mother. father and sister died instantly. I miss them so much.
But he didn’t. He was hanging on in there. I believe to give me my message.
The message to me was..
‘Please be happy, I will love you forever and always. AJ is looking down on you and he/she does not hate you, they understand and love you deeply. I’ll tell AJ you miss them. I can tell they miss their mummy. Amz, I love you’.
That was the last thing I ever heard him say. I will never forget the last kiss we had.
My message in all of this is. Don’t let anyone decide your future, it’s yours for a reason. It will be hard, everyone knows that. But make sure it’s your own. That way you wont question for the rest of your life…
‘What if?’.
Last month, I missed a few pills and my boyfriend and I had sex a few times. Unprotected, I believe.
A week later, I had a light flow when I was supposed to have it a week or 2 later. Then when it came time to actually get my period, I never got it. All I’m doing is looking up signs of pregnancy and it’s constantly on my mind. I haven’t told my boyfriend I sorta missed my period but I don’t want to scare him if I don’t have to. I’ve had a lot of discharge and it’s of normal consistency, but it’s the only thing that’s on my mind…
Any suggestions?
