Thinking bout my old life. It might be my fault that my family fell apart, i know it’s my fault. Maybe if i wasn’t preganct my dad wouldn’t have left like that he might have gotten a regular diviorse. Told us in advance and not leave us. If I wasn’t pregnent then my mom wouldn’t have gotten so sour. She used to be the sweetest mom. In school i used to write to her every mothers day. I used to hug her and tell her “i love you” every night and she would say ” i love you” back.  Now i can’t look at her without her glaring at me or telling me that now she has another mouth to feed. 
When i was younger my mom used to tell me that i was the joy in her life and that she had big planes for me. IN the pictures i see when i was a baby i saw everyone happy, caring, loving, perfect. I see those pictures and i think about the future.
I think about the could have happen and what didn’t happen and what is happening. I think about my dad, and ask questions, i think bout my baby daddy and ask questions, i think bout my mom and think bout quesitons, i think about my sister who i let down, i think about my friends and ask then why did they leave me. I thought we were BFF. I think bout my baby and i think about me.
Pregnancy did change my life.  I don’t want to put my baby for adoption but im starting to. I don’t i don’t and i don’t want to put my little girl in adoption. I really don’t. I don’t think i can. But i don’t have money, im only 14 no place is going to hire a 14 year old girl who doesnt’ even go to school and has a baby and if their was a place what will happen with my lil girl. THiers nowere to leave her. I can’t leave her with a stranger, no way. and i can’t leav her iwth anybody i know they wouldn’t take care of her and they don’t even care. I don’t even have a crib for her and not even clothes for her to live. The enviroment in my house is bad. Im all alone. In my head i don’t even know what age i am sometimes.  SOmetimes i do feel like my age but their times that i just want to crall up in a ball and cry my heart out and i want my mom their to hug me and confort me. Thier are times i fell like a little kid and their are times i feel like an 42 year old women.
Crushes, dates, movies, parties, school, teenage life. Thats all gone. I envy some teen moms. Im like wow i wish i had thier life. With even five dollors will help at least but i wasted all my collage money and all my saving money to buy at least a couple things for the baby and now my bank i have litterly 0 dollors. ZERO. nothing.
I don’t know anymore.