It’s weird to think that if I was pregnant, I would be 28 weeks and 2 days, the due date was March 3. I have no regrets, about the pregnancy scare, but I thank God each day that I’m not pregnant today.
But I do have regrets about the relationship with Bailey. I didn’t deserve to be with him. I was a bragging right to him, to get in my pants. And I know that I may sound mean saying this but it’s true; after our relationship ended (in means of my depression not wanting it to affect him) he became a total jerk. I tried being friends with him, not wanting to ruin our friendship and child hood together but he didn’t want to be friends. He told me either we were together or nothing at all, and I said I just wanted to be friends and that there should be a middle choice, but he said no and walked away from everything.
Deep inside I know it was for the better. We don’t talk at all now a days. But in November he texted me and sent me a friend request on facebook. I replied to neither. It’s what he wanted wasn’t it? To not be friends? No contact? He asks my friends how I am. They say I’m happy and together with another guy who I’m inseparable with. He says he’s happy for me and that he wants to talk to me more, but I say that’s never going to happen. After being such a jerk to me and not wanting to talk to me, he got what he wanted, and now he wants to talk to me? No, it’s not going to happen. And I’m not going to say sorry either, because there’s nothing to be sorry about at all.
Maybe I shouldn’t have regrets you know? Cause now, I want to wait to have sex. I want to save myself for the perfect guy, and not have to worry about pregnancy scares when I’m 16 or 17 or 18 and so on. But I’m not saying that I want to save sex for marriage but at the same time I do… I don’t know it’s confusing.
But now, I believe I’ve met the perfect guy. I thought I was in love with Bailey, unconditionally in love with Bailey. But I was wrong. I watched this show about this woman who speaks to schools about sex and she said, “You know you’re in love when that person respects you and your values and if you were to draw a boundary on how far you want to go in your relationship, they wouldn’t pass it.” And that made me realize things about the pass relationship with Bailey. I told him I didn’t want to go far or anything, and he stepped over the line. FAR over the line.
And Ben, the guy who I’m with now and who’s the perfect guy, knows I don’t want to go down that road again. It’s like.. I had to travel that road with all the bumps and cracks and crappy weather just to lead to the road where the road is smooth and the weather is absolutely perfect. And it’s actually funny too cause he said he wants to save himself for the perfect person too and that the perfect person is me and I replied, “What if I want to die a virgin?” and he said, “Then I will die a virgin too.” He has the same values as I do and respects me. And I respect him and his values.
I’m sure I’m in love with Ben. 100% sure. Before we started going out my heart beat with no meaning, just trying to get through the day you know? And now that we’re going out, Ben’s the meaning of my life. I can’t picture my life without him, at all. I went to Mexico in November for a week. And I was so homesick without him, it’s like my heart was ripped out of my chest and I had this lonely feeling in my chest. Colors weren’t as bright… Nothing was right. And plus, I couldn’t call him or text him, the only way how we could communicate was through facebook chat.
But when that Monday came, and when I first saw him after first period… My heart was back in my chest. And when we hugged, time froze. It was just us two in the crowded hallway. Nobody around us; just us. Hand in hand walking down the hallway, with grins stretching across our face and ending at our ears.
I know what some of you might say: “you’re not in love, it’s only puppy love” or “you’re too young to be in love” or something like that. I know I am. I am. I am. I am. This is not me convincing myself that I am, it’s me telling you guys I am. If this isn’t love… then what does love feel like? Is it really that greater of a feeling? Cause when we kiss.. the world stops. I get butterflies, my heart races. If I’m in the same room or building as him, I have butterflies, blurred vision, I can’t think straight, and I forget things so easily. You can’t tell me this isn’t love. I know it is. I love him unconditionally.
He’s the meaning of my life. 10.26.10 <3