AHHHHHhhhhhh

I still can’t believe it! None of this seems real.

A month ago, I was thinking about atom economy and molecular structure, and now…welllllll. Now I’m pregnant. I’m actually pregnant. Pregnant. AHHH. This is not how I imagined it, it’s so much weirder and less storybook. I’m not married, this isn’t the right time, I’m too young, the dad might not even be around, can’t afford one baby let alone two, might have to drop out of uni…AAHHHHHHH the list is endless. Crazy endless list of reasons not to be excited, and why this isn’t a good thing. But I still am, cause inside me right now, right at this second, are two little humans. Little, tiny humans that are probably about the size of raisins. How odd is that? It’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever had to get my head around. In seven months, I’ve bringing two other people into the world. They could grow up to be anybody, they could have jobs and wives or husbands and children.

Bizarre, Weird, Crazy, Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Pregnant<3 for sure this time.

I’m pregnant [:

I went to the doctor today because my kidneys were bothering me and they tested my pee for a preexisting problem. They asked when my last period was and it was April 1, so they ran a pregnancy test. It came back positive [: I’m only a few weeks at most. No one’s really sure. But me and the daddy are very happy and very excited [:

**If you’re going to ‘hate’ on this blog or tell me my decision is wrong, you can click off this blog right now. You don’t know me, This is MY life & Our baby.

Thank you [:

Moving out and Starting School

So, this is my first blog entry.

I think a while ago, I was trying to do one, and I ended up posting it in the forums instead. Starting with a bit about me, I’m 20 years old from England. At the moment, I’m juggling cookery courses at college, along with work at my local restaurant and bringing up Noah and Max. They are identical twin boys, but Noah’s hair for some strange reason is a little curler and slightly lighter than Max’s; he’s also the loudest and the bossiest, whereas Noah is quieter and secretly mischievous.

They’ve just turned four and are now in nursery all day which is very very odd. Suddenly, I have a big gap in my day to fill.  I live with my mum, and at the moment we are battling over how much rent should be paid and I’m thinking of finally, maybe, eventually getting my own place.

That’s sort of why I’m writing this because it feels like the next chapter.

It’s strange because when I had Max and Noah I felt like I had to grow up a lot quicker. I used to look at my friends and think they were so immature, drinking and treating exams like they didn’t matter when now I’d kill to go back and do well in my exams, but now I feel like the immature one. They’re all at university, in their own places, whereas I’m still living at home, dependent on my own mum. I want to set an example for Noah and Max, show them that their Mum can be independent and so that they can grow up in a family home I’ve created. If only money grew on trees. Or if only houses grew on trees. Either one.

So I’ve finally done it, and put my name down for a council flat in my local area. It’s probably going to be a long wait but I’ve started the process and hopefully by the time the boys start school, we’ll be in our own little home. That’s another thing that’s new. Next year, they start school! Ahhhhhhhhhh, it’s all happening too fast. I’ve started looking around the local primary schools with my mum and I feel like I’m making a huge decision. I mean, that’s the most crucial point of your life when you start school. It sets up your social skills and how much you can achieve academically. I’ve also been asked if I want the boys to be in the same class and that’s another question I’m muddled on. Of course, I want them to be individuals and have their own friends, but at least if they’re in the same class, they’ll have each other if anything goes wrong. Then again, they can be such a handful when they’re together. It might be kinder to the teachers to keep them apart. Still very confused…

One part of the boys growing up is wondering if I’m ever going to have children again myself. I was holding my friend’s ten day old baby the other day and I had a huge wave of nostalgia about my own babies. I’m missing that more everyday, keeping them soft and warm where I know they’re safe. The boys still love their cuddles and kisses at bedtime, but how long before I become boring old mum or embarrassing mum that dances to cringy music no one else likes? Broodiness is kicking in…

Wow, long rant. Sorry for anyone who actually read that!

Everyday I tell myself what I did was right….Everyday I lie.

I was 19 when I got pregnant.

It was stupid and I had played with fire, so deserved to get burnt I suppose. For a quick bit of fun down at the beach, I’ve caused myself a world of hurt. The dad (that sounds odd) was also my age. We’d been seeing each other for about a year and a half. I remember telling him before I even knew for sure that I thought I was pregnant. He had told me, “Don’t worry, we’ll figure this out together”. There was NO together. I found out New Year’s Eve and told him straight away. I felt sick and scared and more alone than ever. He drank the night away, enjoying every second. He ignored my phone calls and texts. He ignored everything that was happening. About a week later, he came and told me it was my body and I could do what I wanted. He didn’t feel like he was old enough for a kid. So basically, if I wanted to take responsibility, then I would have to do it alone. I got an abortion on the 8th of February. I took a risk and the risk turned into a little person inside of me who had done NO wrong. It did not ask for me to be its mum. It did not ask to be unwanted and resented. I am a good person. Really I am. But that day in February, I turned into someone I don’t recognize. A good person that kills their first baby? I will not ask for forgiveness because honestly, I don’t think I deserve it.

I’ve been going to counseling for about a month now. It helps. I am doing a nursing course and I will not take a life in Vain. I want to help other people make a decision that is RIGHT for their reasons, not for society or religion or for anyone else. Your pastor can not carry your baby. Neither can your mum or dad or friend or boyfriend. Nobody but you (excuse the pun). I got an abortion because it wasn’t right for me. How could I have brought up a little person when I would have resented every move it made? Life is special and holy and all that la de dah, but please so is your life. I carry a rock of guilt around me softened by the feeling that what I did wasn’t morally right for me, but in every other way, I made the best decision.

Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. YOU and You alone have to live with it. It’s hard sometimes. That’s good. It showed you cared and made all the wrong decisions for the right reason. Don’t live in regret.