I was 19 when I got pregnant. It was stupid and I had played with fire so deserved to get burnt I suppose. For a quick bit of fun down at the beach I’ve caused myself a world of hurt. The dad (that sounds odd) was also my age. We’d been seeing each other for a bout a year and a half. I remember telling him before I even knew for sure that I thought I was pregnant. He had told me, “don’t worry we’ll figure this out together”. There was NO together. I found out new years eve of 2010 and told him straight away, I felt sick and scared and more alone than ever. He drank the night away, enjoying every second. He ignored my phone calls, txts, he ignored everything that was happening. About a week later he came and told me it was my body and I could do what I wanted. He didn’t feel like he was old enough for a kid, so basically if I wanted to take my responsibility then I would have to do it alone. I got an abortion on the 8th of February. I took a risk and the risk turned into a little person inside of me who had done NO wrong. It did not ask for me to be it’s mum, it did not ask to be unwanted and resented. I am a good person. Really I am. But that day in February i turned into someone i don’t recognise. A good person that kills their first baby? I will not ask for forgiveness because honestly I don’t think i deserve it.
Ive been going to counselling for about a month now. It helps. I am doing a nursing course and I will not take a life in Vain. I want to help other people make a decision that is RIGHT for their reasons, not for society or religion or for anyone else. You pastor can not carry your baby neither can your mum or dad or friend or boyfriend. No body but you (excuse the pun). I got an abortion because it wasn’t right for me. How could I have brought up a little person when i would have resented every move it made? Life is special and holy and all that la de dah but please so is your life. I carry a rock of guilt around me softened by the feeling that what i did wasn’t morally right for me but in every other way I made the best decision.
Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. YOU and You alone have to live with it. It’s hard sometimes. Thats good it showed you cared and made all the wrong decisions for the right reason. Don’t live in regret.