Please Forgive Me-My Abortion Story

When I was 19, I felt I had the right to do whatever I wanted because I was legally an adult. I became involved with a young man and when we dated and had sex, sometimes we would have protection and sometimes we did not. One of those times we did not use any.
Events rolled out-of-control from there. I was still living at my parents’ house and going to college and working at a minimum wage job. I thought my mom would at least emotionally support me after the shock of telling her that I was pregnant, but that is not what happened.

When I told her, she went white in the face and then bought a home pregnancy test, which turned out positive. After a few days later, I passed by the kitchen and she heard me. She then said, “I guess you will have to have an abortion.”

My world totally collapsed. I really did not want to have an abortion. I went to her for alternative support and she failed me. If I had of had someone to go to…..another person with some emotional backbone to tell me that I could be pregnant, then I would have despite the pressure of family and the imagined shame while still going to church.

I think that it was the church attitude that frightened her more than anything. Here I was a Christian and pregnant without a husband. She was shamed because of that. Therefore, I had to hide her shame.

After she made her decision for me, I made all the preparations. Finding a clinic, making an appointment, and going to the clinic to have an abortion.

That morning, I said to myself, “I am pregnant. Tonight you will not be anymore.” I felt very sad.

I drove there and then proceeded to go through their process. Making sure I had adequate protection for birth control when I was finally out. Making sure I had adequate Valium for the procedure. “The procedure.” What a name? It is not so much of a procedure than it is a vacuum being shoved up into the womb and sucking everything out. AND IT HURTS!!!!!!!!! No amount of Valium could make up for that kind of pain!

After the 30-second procedure was done, I vomited on the table. They then led me to the recovery room where the other women and young women were. Recovering from the pain. The cramping doesn’t stop after the machine has turned off. The cramping continues until it is dulled and then you may go home.

The abortion not only took my baby’s life that day, it also took away my ability to have children ever again. I did not know that then. Many of my friends who have had abortions have had children, but on that day with me, there were problems. You see the machine that scraped out my uterus also scraped so much that it left heavy scar tissue. This is called Asherman’s Syndrome. When an egg is fertilized, it wants to be implanted within the uterine lining. Well, my uterine wall is too scarred up.

I had a surgery done a while ago to confirm my suspicions of infertility. And that is what was diagnosed. Not only did I lose a child but I also lost the chance of ever becoming a mother.

Regret is an emotion I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have had help. A group called Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma (HEART) has helped me with my emotional, spiritual and physical pain that I have had to come to terms with. This group is also called PACE (Post Abortion Counseling and Education).

I encourage any of you that are pregnant, please stop and think. This is not a time to panic. You do have time. Find people to help you. They are out there. If you want to have a child like I wanted to have my child don’t let those negative influences get to you. Find a way to solve and not live a lifetime of regret.

If you are a woman who has had an abortion I strongly encourage you to seek out post-abortion counseling. Even if you think that you are “fine”. Even if you have said to God, “Please forgive me.” and He has. Great. But remember this: forgiveness and healing are two separate words. Forgiveness is immediate but healing takes a lifetime.

Thanks for reading this.

With blessings and love on this journey we call “life”

Sheryl | sheryldea1@juno.com

Dearest Sheryl,

I had to step away from my desk before replying because I weep for you. My heart so breaks for you … but I was also riveted because – your story is a little similar to mine. All the way from the first line – year, month, and age. Here is my story:

http://www.standupgirl.com/beckys-story-video.html

I now teach the PACE study at my church in southern California and I refer many women on this site to a place where they are able to find the same study and healing also. Now known as “Forgiven and Set Free”.

However – I don’t believe I have ever spoken to a woman that is in the same place I am today. May I share with you my dear friend Sheryl – that though the Lord has not chosen to give us a child today – It truly is His choice.

The fact that you or I do not have children today adds to our testimony’s but it is not impossible for Him to bless us with a baby one day adding to our testimonies (He gives us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning). I often think of it this way … though I am living with the choices that I made, and my heart so yearns to have a baby today, if my empty arms saves a baby’s life, it’s OK.

Even though we have never met and this is a short, first-time correspondence between the two of us – I feel like I know you.

I will pray for you, Sheryl. May God give you His comfort and His peace along your pilgrim’s journey.

Luv -Lisa

Becky and Lisa | dearbecky@standupgirl.com

An Uneasy Silence

Dear Becky,
I came across your site quite by accident. Your video captured my interest and I read a few of the stories. I can relate to many of the issues these girls are talking about.

My life was great. I was attending an Ivy League college, had a wonderful fiancé, and a supportive family. Then I found out I was pregnant. I was 19. Instinctively, I had known long before that I was pregnant, but was naive in thinking that if I ignored it, then it would disappear. Well, it didn’t.

My fiancé looked at the pregnancy test first. I remember he asked me what two blue lines meant. I just started to cry. I knew that my life would change in so many ways that I hadn’t expected to experience for several years. But through my worrisome tears, I had the calming feeling that everything would be okay in the end.

I took a second pregnancy test at the hospital just to be sure. It was positive. As soon as the doctor told us the results, he immediately requested for me to have an abortion. He even went as far as to ask the doctor when an appointment could be scheduled. He, of course, wanted it to be taken care of as soon as possible before anyone knew. I was devastated that the same person whom I had planned to marry in a few months was so adamant about, as he phrased it, “killing it”. Needless to say, he was kicked to the curb in no time.

Now, not only was I pregnant, I was also alone. I told my parents that I was going to be having a baby. There was an uneasy silence as they digested the news. Then, my father looked at me and said, “Well, it will be nice having a baby around the house again.” At that very moment, I knew that my baby and I would be just fine.

My son, Matthew Dylan, just turned two in December. He is the love of my life and the most powerful motivation for me to succeed in life. I will shortly be finishing my degree in Speech Pathology and have purchased land on which to build a home.

I do a lot of things that people my age don’t even know exist. My son and I are involved in play groups, Mother Goose Time, a local library program, and Kindermusik, a musical program for young children. My Saturday nights are spent playing in the sandbox or reading “Bear Snores On”. I even started my own registered child care program in order to stay home with my son and to be sure that he was being exposed to the best developmental and educational activities. I could not be happier.

Having my son was the most rewarding experience of my life and I know that there are many others out there that feel the same way I do about their children. I know that sometimes people look down on young, single mothers as if they were completely incapable of caring for a child. The fact is, a good mother can a be a woman of any age. Age is closely associated with maturity, but that doesn’t mean that it defines it.

To all the other girls out there that are pregnant and confused; there is a miracle happening inside you right at this moment. Imagine looking into the eyes of your newborn child for the first time and feeling the warmth of his little body against yours. Please do not deny yourself that experience.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thank you for your letter. The fear that I would be rejected by my parents when they found out I was pregnant was just so paralyzing for me. Wasn’t it just such a relief for you to finally tell your parents? I think that was one of the most frightening things I’ve ever had to do in my life! Once they knew, and I knew I had their support, things got a lot easier for me. I felt much more free and able to carry on and do what I needed to do.

I think it’s so awesome to hear how you’ve gone on to finish your education, and how your son has been such a motivation for you to succeed in life. I’ve heard that from many other girls, too. Having my baby has enriched my life so much. I have learned so many things about myself and about life….things that I don’t think I would have learned otherwise.

The love that a mother has for her child is indescribable. I am so thankful to be able to experience the gift of motherhood. Yes, it came sooner than I would have planned maybe… but I can’t imagine my life without my beautiful daughter. I don’t have any regrets. She has brought such joy and fulfillment to my life.

I wish you and your son much happiness in your life together!

luv

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