When I was 19, I felt I had the right to do whatever I wanted because I was legally an adult. I became involved with a young man and when we dated and had sex, sometimes we would have protection and sometimes we did not. One of those times we did not use any.
Events rolled out-of-control from there. I was still living at my parents house and going to college and working at a minimum wage job. I thought my mom would at least emotionally support me after the shock of telling her that I was pregnant but that is not what happened.
When I told her, she went white in the face and then bought a home pregnancy test, which turned out positive. After a few days later I passed by the kitchen and she heard me. She then said, “I guess you will have to have an abortion.”
My world totally collapsed. I really did not want to have an abortion. I went to her for alternative support and she failed me. If I had of had someone to go to…..another person with some emotional backbone to tell me that I could be pregnant then I would have despite the pressure of family and the imagined shame while still going to church.
I think that it was the church attitude that frightened her more than anything. Here I was a Christian and pregnant without a husband. She was shamed because of that. Therefore, I had to hide her shame.
After she made her decision for me, I made all the preparations. Finding a clinic, making an appointment, and going to the clinic to have an abortion.
That morning I said to myself, “I am pregnant. Tonight you will not be anymore.” I felt very sad.
I drove there and then proceeded to go through their process. Making sure I had adequate protection for birth control when I was finally out. Making sure I had adequate Valium for the procedure.”The procedure” What a name? It is not so much of a procedure than it is a vacuum being shoved up into the womb and sucking everything out. AND IT HURTS!!!!!!!!! No amount of Valium could make up for that kind of pain!
After the 30-second procedure was done, I vomited on the table. They then led me to the recovery room where the other women and young women were. Recovering from the pain. The cramping doesn’t stop after the machine has turned off. The cramping continues until it is dulled and then you may go home.
The abortion not only took my baby’s life that day it also took away my ability to have children ever again. I did not know that then. Many of my friends who have had abortions have had children but on that day with me there were problems.You see the machine that scraped out my uterus also scraped so much that it left heavy scar tissue. This is called Asherman’s Syndrome. When an egg is fertilized it wants to be implanted within the uterine lining. Well my uterine wall is too scarred up.
I had a surgery done a while ago to confirm my suspicions of infertility. And that is what was diagnosed. Not only did I lose a child but I also lost the chance of ever becoming a mother.
Regret is an emotion I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I have had help. A group called Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma (HEART) has helped me with my emotional, spiritual and physical pain that I have had to come to terms with. This group is also called PACE (Post Abortion Counseling and Education).
I encourage any of you that are pregnant, please stop and think. This is not a time to panic. You do have time. Find people to help you. They are out there. If you want to have a child like I wanted to have my child don’t let those negative influences get to you. Find a way to solve and not live a lifetime of regret.
If you are a woman who has had an abortion I strongly encourage you to seek out post-abortion counseling. Even if you think that you are “fine”. Even if you have said to God, “Please forgive me.” and He has. Great. But remember this: forgiveness and healing are two separate words. Forgiveness is immediate but healing takes a lifetime.
Thanks for reading this.
With blessings and love on this journey we call “life”
Sheryl | firstname.lastname@example.org
I had to step away from my desk before replying because I weep for you. My heart so breaks for you … but I was also riveted because – your story is a little similar to mine. All the way from the first line – year, month and age. Here is my story:
I now teach the PACE study at my church in southern California and I refer many women on this site to a place where they are able to find the same study and healing also. Now known as “Forgiven and Set Free”.
However – I don’t believe I have ever spoken to a woman that is in the same place I am today. May I share with you my dear friend Sheryl – that though the Lord has not chosen to give us a child today – it truly is His choice.
The fact that you or I do not have children today adds to our testimony’s but it is not impossible for Him to bless us with a baby one day adding to our testimonies (He gives us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning). I often think of it this way … though I am living with the choices that I made and my heart so yearns to have a baby today, if my empty arms saves a baby’s life it’s OK.
Even though we have never met and this is a short, first time correspondence between the two of us – I feel like I know you.
I will pray for you Sheryl. May God give you His comfort and His peace along your pilgrims journey.
Becky and Lisa | email@example.com