Hey, as you see, me and my baby’s father aren’t together anymore.
Well, as I told you in my last entry, which was quite some time ago that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me with this girl. Well, he’s got her pregnant, but what makes it worse is the fact I was still pregnant with his son!!. . .
Makes me feel like crap x
About a month after my 15th birthday, I found out I was pregnant. I had been with my 17-year-old boyfriend for about 7 months. I already knew I was pregnant before I took the test becuz he had told me that he wanted a baby. Me being young and dumb, I did it to make him happy.
I am now 17 years old, a couple months shy of my 18th birthday. I have a beautiful 21-month-old daughter named Lilyan. Sadly, I did not stay with her father. Soon after she was born, I found out he had been cheating on me with different girls the whole time we were together. He never calls to ask about her and hasn’t paid a penny since she was born.
When my daughter was 2 months old, I left him. He was in jail at the time and had been for three months. He was writing a 15-year-old girl in town and I found out. He got transported to a deportation jail in another state. The district attorney in my town was fed up with him and trying to get him deported back to Mexico. Sadly, it didn’t happen like that. His parents paid a good lawyer and he got out 7 months later. By then, my daughter was 9 months old and I had a new boyfriend.
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. He is currently overcoming a drug addiction. He has been clean for 5 months now. He hasn’t been clean for over 10 years so it’s a big deal. He is 24 years old. My daughter has been around him since she was 9 months and she loves him. He told me early on that he wanted to be daddy to her and so far, he has been. She calls him daddy, they are great together.
I found out about 4 weeks ago that I was pregnant again. My boyfriend was shocked. He found out the worst possible way. Everything was great with us. Until about 3 weeks ago, I heard from some friends in town that they had seen him with another girl, making out. I confronted him and he said he wasn’t happy. That was news to me.
He admitted that he had cheated. He said hiding our relationship was to stressful on him. Because he is in an intensive drug recovery program, his P.O. said he was to have no contact with me. We had been seeing each other behind the courts’ backs. Of course, we loved each other. They told him if we got caught together that he would loose his drug recovery program and go to jail for a year. So hiding our relationship with taking its toll on him. I think he just got a little scared.
That night he broke up with me, I was devastated. I knew I was pregnant, I just hadn’t told him yet. I was gonna take him to the coast and tell him. So I ended up telling him in tears right after he told me that he had kissed another girl. He was in shock. It took him a day to call me and apologize and say that he loved me. I’m the only girl he’s ever been around that has been clean off drugs. He turned himself in because of my daughter. So I know that he loves us.
So to this day, we are still hiding our relationship from everyone in town besides our family. We live in a small town. and he just got a job so he could support me and the baby, so we never get see each other. It’s hard, but we are making it threw this.
I am about 8 weeks along. I have a wonderful little girl and I’m 17. That’s my life. I never thought that’s how my life would be, but one thing I’m sure of is I’m glad this is how it happened. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I live on my own. I have my own apartment with my daughter. Two bedrooms. My parents don’t help, but I’ve never needed them before. I’ve done everything with the help of one person, my grandma. I dunno what I would do without her.
At the moment in my life, things are tough and I’ve been sad lately with not being able to see my boyfriend a lot, but overall, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I have one great little girl and now I’m blessed with another child.
What more could I ask for.
Well, where do I start? Maybe I’ll start by saying how badly I can’t wait to become a mother. Maybe I should start off by saying that maybe pregnancy isn’t meant for everyone. Or maybe I should start with saying that I’m less of a woman now,… and just as I’m regaining my spirit, it happens to me all over again. Or maybe I should start by blabbing off about how pregnancy and motherhood is what I used to want and dream for. Now…however…I’ve slowed down with EVERYTHING… Things have changed!
Lately, I haven’t been having sex or smoking weed….NOTHING! I’m healthy. I’ve been relaxed lately, not all stressed out, and just when I started thinking… “Hey, maybe I don’t need a baby right now…I realize that there’s a chance I might be expecting…again!” Well, I’ve lost two babies that I deliberately planned for (it was all out of spite, so “oh well”…). But…anyway, I guess my body didn’t want to coincide with my mental state of being, and everything I wanted just seemed as if it wasn’t meant to be. I LOST MY BABIES! I became really depressed and even went from being a very picky bi-sexual female to an all-out lesbian. I didn’t want anything to do with men.
Well, things happen and sometimes you meet people you never could even imagine existing. And everything does a 360. Trust me…I’m living proof. I intended on having a one-night stand with some guy I met one drunken day and out of nowhere…”KAZAAM” I found LOVE! Here goes nothing…long story short, we had sex for hours….LITERALLY! NO PROTECTION! He’s not a complete stranger NOW, because we’re in a well-comitted relationship (for about 1 month now), but he was that night! We recently had a lot of unprotected sex and I just know that I’m going to be pregnant. I don’t know how my parents are going to take it, but I know I hope this time what’s meant to be WILL be. I want a baby! SO bad……I wish they were on sale in Walmart. (LOL) I love kids….I want to be an Ob/Gyn one day! No joke.
But back to my story…he was locked for about 2 years and had been home for about 1 month when we met….which means HE’S REALLY FERTILE. I’ve changed my lifestyle too, and I’ve just got a little gut feelling…this time might be the one! PLEASE NOT AGAIN….JESUS DON’T ALLOW ME TO LET ANOTHER BABY DIE INSIDE OF ME!
LET THIS ONE BE THE ONE!
I don’t know what to title this yet. I guess I will do that at the end, being I have no clue as to what I am even going to write about. It’s certainly not that I don’t have anything to say. Rather, probably too much to say and I don’t even know where to begin.
I am so sick and tired, literally, in every sense of the phrase. I have never in my life been so sick. I am sure it’s a combination of my heart condition and being pregnant, but I can’t take this much longer. My ex-husband went out of town this week, and it is my kid’s first week of school, and my son has football practice, which thankfully they cut to three days a week rather than 5. On top of that, it was supposed to be my second week of school, and I haven’t gone to one class yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, but last week, I was in the hospital and this week, my ex went out of town and there is no aftercare at school, being it’s the first week, so I have to make sure I am at the school right on time. Of course, I don’t mind going to get my kids from school. Actually, I am happy I get the week to myself with them, but of course he is being a jerk, for who knows what reason this week.
Anyhow, I guess that’s neither here nor there, and am getting off track. My point is, I am so sick. Not one of my other pregnancies have ever gotten me this sick. I get up and am literally spinning, feeling faint, throwing up, and am exhausted even after 12 hours sleep. I am losing weight, which I am sure I will make up for at some point, but can’t seem to keep anything down. This morning, I was trying to make lunch for the kids, and the sandwich meat made me puke.
My boyfriend went away to a family reunion in Texas this past weekend. He called me everyday, “to make sure I was OK”. What in the world am I supposed to tell him, “Oh I am feeling just fantastic and all the wonderful things you say really make me feel just great too?” No! I don’t think so, I am absolutely, probably the most miserable person alive right now. I feel like crap, and unless you’re drunk, you say the most stupid crap to me. I am sick and tired of that too (guess I found my title).
Memorial Day, he calls me, in the day, and he asked how I was. I told him the truth, followed by saying that I really wish I wasn’t pregnant, cuz I have never been so sick. He has the nerve to say to me “you’re not the only one who wishes you weren’t pregnant. There’s a few people who wish you weren’t”. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I swear it’s a good thing he wasn’t here. I quickly ended the conversation shortly there after a few more things were said, but did so with grace considering the situation, being careful not to add fuel to the fire.
He then calls me at night, sweet as can be…. There has to be something up, of course, he’s dunk. Not completely wasted where to I can’t understand a word he is saying, but enough that I can tell, and enough so that he tells me. I don’t really have a problem with it, I am not there, and maybe this will relieve some stress for him and he can take this time away, drinking or not, to think. He always used to call me “baby girl” which he did that night, but caught himself, so it was followed by, well you are my baby’s girl. Whatever, lol. I don’t get why he has to pretend to be something he is not. Why he has to be so angry, and have this wall up around him. But I didn’t say anything about it, and won’t. I find the more I keep my mouth shut, well at least about anything bad, the better he is. If I let him know its OK to be experiencing mixed emotions and to feel scared, confused, whatever, the better things become between him and I, he is nicer, and opens up more. He’s opened up a bit, and has been calling me a lot and seems really concerned about me now. I am very happy for that.
Today, he is going to come over. I am sure nothing extraordinary will happen, but it will be nice to see him. I am looking forward to that. I love him. He is very special to me, and I wish he could see that in himself. That he is a good person with a lot to give the world around him, especially me and his baby. I know he is fearful that he will screw up this kid’s life, but as a mother, I will not let that happen. But besides me not letting him, he won’t, not if he can just see what I see in him. Maybe that will never happen. I don’t know, no one knows, I am sure, not even him. This has all been a battle, but one worth fighting, for him, me and our baby, and certainly one I will not give up on.
Well, before I puke all over myself for the, literally 5th time today, I better go….. All I can do is keep fighting, keep taking it day by day, and keep going. Even though I feel like my world is coming to an end at times, and I feel like just giving up and that my life is over, I have to realize it is not. Rather, it is just the beginning, of a whole new world, and that world is going to contain what I make of it, and for that alone, I refuse to give up…….
I went back to school yesterday. First days are never fun, but definitely not when you’re 5 months pregnant. The whispers, the stares constantly.
I also had to stay back a year so I don’t have many friends in my year now, which makes me feel so isolated. Especially as my boyfriend lives an hour away. My friends in my old year are great but all I wanna do is go to the bathrooms and cry my eyes out.
I hope things get better soon.
Well first off, I live in Hawaii right now and have been for about a year now, although I wasn’t born here. I was born and raised in San Diego, California. When I was little, I was typically known as the red head.
I grew up in a small town within San Diego called Coronado. It was a small little rich community where everyone knew each other. I moved all over the place around the San Diego area, though I went to Coronado Elementary there where I attended till first grade. My mom is a teacher and had been working at a school called CCPAA [Children’s Creative and Performing Arts Academy of San Diego] and had been teaching there for a little over 2 years now. It was a small small small little private performing arts school. I went to that school in second grade. I had been dancing ever since I was 2 years old so I guess this school was a perfect match for me. There I got into drama and music and everything. My class was about a size of 15 kids. I had attended that school every single year till about 7th grade. I was dancing every single day there for 6 years as well as taking classes on the sides. I was doing plays and choir and even gymnastics, which I have been doing since I was 2 as well. My class was like my family. We were all so close. They are still my best friends.
You’re probably wondering about how I got to Hawaii. Kinda far off from California huh? Well my mom grew up with the islands. She’s loved them ever since I could remember. I actually lived in Maui for about 2 years when I was 2 years old to the time I about 4 years old and my mom lived in Oahu for 15 years when she was about in her 20’s. She thought about relocating to the islands from the time I was about in 5th grade even though we would visit every single year for spring break. My mom had been trying to get a teaching job at a specific school in Maui for about 3 years and the person who was expecting to drop out just never did. They kinda just left my mom kinda just wondering about what was happening. They let her know although she was disappointed, they had sent her resume to the all the Montessori schools [it’s just a different type of learning more about basic life]. She had got offered 4 job interviews from 4 of the best schools on the island over spring break in 7th grade. We had gone over to Maui but I had actually brought my best friend with me. This time, we were visiting our friend who had moved there. While we were staying with them, my mom for 2 days went over to the big island while we were on Maui and interviewed for all the schools. She had got offered all 4 jobs. We were so happy for her. We returned back to California after a nice long vacation. My mom needed to decide which school she was going to choose. She finally picked one and accepted it. I was at my friend’s house. When she picked me up from a sleepover and told me ‘I bought the plane tickets last night,’ my first initial reaction was shock. I couldn’t believe I didn’t actually realize till the the day I left everything I left behind. At first, I resented the idea of moving and I hated it; oh, I had also got accepted to this school called Parker. It was pretty expensive it was about $17000 per year.
July 20 was the day we left at 9 in the morning. I remember that day like it was yesterday. My two best friends had come to the airport to say goodbye and I couldn’t think of an even sadder moment than leaving your two best friends right then and there. I was off but first to Maui for my friend’s mom’s wedding. I was the ring bearer in that wedding. It was so great and we were there for about 5 days I think. Then off to the big island, we were. It was so weird I was actually there. I would be counting down the days till I moved and then it was actually there, staring at me blankly in the face. My uncle lived in Kona and we stayed with him for about a week till we got our house up in Waimea. I remember thinking how cool it was, thinking about how my life was going to be there. It was a really small cute country community and down in Kona is more the beachy tropical side. We moved into our little place and just a month later, school started.
My first day sucked. I didn’t know anyone. I was scared what people would think of me. Second day was good. I made friends. I am actually a really sociable person so it was good but I was in the loser group at first but at least I had friends. The more school progressed, the popular group got to know me and I was actually considered one of the most popular girls in the class, our class had only about 25 students, the whole school only about 350 students if not less. That school actually turned out to be crap. I was failing every single class. I had homework till about 2 o’clock in the morning. I was only in 8th grade and we were taking chemistry in science and taking 11th grade math and history. My mom decided to transfer me halfway through the school year to the public school actually just like a street and over down the way. I was really scared at first because I had never been to a big public school like that and was scared about all the local girls.
My first day was good. I had already known one of the people from there and hung out with her and a few of her friends. They weren’t really popular but on myspace, all the popular girls and guys started talking to me on there and getting to know me and realized how cool I really was. Next day, I was in the popular crew and there was about 190 students in my grade and I was one of the most popular girls in the class. It was great. I fell in love with that school but I was changing. I was getting more into the partying and drinking scene but I really liked it. When all my California friends heard about the stories, I would tell them about me making out with boys and freak dancing with boys and girls at dances and parties and drinking and stuff. They were really shocked. Some of even my best friends called me a slut behind there back but honestly, I don’t go around having sex with every single guy in the school and I’m still a virgin. Its just they don’t really realize that this is how most teenagers are in the ‘real world.’ They just don’t really know what its like because they are so separated from the world. They are in a class of 12 kids with no parties whatsoever, no really BIG social life.
I love the way I am now. It’s so much fun. I don’t really do anything I know I won’t regret because I don’t want to end up screwing up my life in any big way. I am still really close to all my California friends as we were from the very start. <333333
