Just because I chose abortion as an option, it doesn’t mean that I’ve lost my right to feel loss… My loss IS real. My grief IS real. My pain IS real. My anger IS real... But what exactly is lost?
Since the abortion, for as long as I can remember, I have been depressed on one level or another. I’ve felt that something important is missing and it has left me feeling empty and incomplete. That’s because I’ve lost a lot more than just a baby…. Yes, I mourn for my child, but there are other aspects of my life and pregnancy that deserve to be mourned too. With the abortion:
- I lost my hopes for my baby and my hopes of being the best mother, care giver, and teacher I could be,
- I lost the hope of watching our child grow up,
- I lost the closeness I shared with da boyfriend before the abortion and the hope of having a family with him,
- I lost my self respect, self confidence and self image,
- I lost my dreams, goals, and vision for my future.
I had not given thought to these things. Being so consumed by guilt and anger has blinded me to other parts of my life that need to be worked on.
xxxxx
It has been nearly a year since I chose to have an abortion and recently accepted I am suffering with post-abortion syndrome.
I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant and 17, 8 weeks pregnant when I chose to have an abortion. Now I believe that decision was made to please my mum and boyfriend. I had convinced myself at the time and for many months after that what I did was the right thing, when it wasn’t.
It is the first and last thing I think of everyday and living with this guilt and depression is breaking me down. I cry myself to sleep every night due to this. I believe things have gotten worse recently as two of my boyfriend’s cousins, who are the same age, have a child, and one is expecting. It breaks my heart that I can’t even be happy for them because I am so upset and jealous of them.
After the procedure and right to this day, I find myself experiencing many of the symptoms linked to P.A.S.S and I’m sure that a lot of the girls here feel it too. I’ve looked into therapy again, even though it’s not an exact science, and I’ll admit that to a degree, it really does work. The only thing that’s really put me off it is the fact that a lot of the docs don’t believe that a post-abortion syndrome actually exists!!!!!
If you find yourself answering ‘yes’ to any of the following questions, you may be suffering from P.A.S.S:
- Do you find yourself struggling to turn off feelings connected to your abortion(s), perhaps telling yourself over and over again to forget about it?
- Do you find yourself avoiding books, magazines, and television programs that deal with the subject of abortion?
- Are you affected by physical reminders of your abortion (babies, pregnant women, etc.)?
- Are you uncomfortable around children?
- Are there certain times of the year you find yourself depressed, sick or accident prone-especially around the anniversary date of the abortion or the due date of the aborted pregnancy?
- Are you resentful and unforgiving towards anyone because of his or her involvement in your abortion(s)-parents, boyfriend, abortionist, friends, or husband?
- Are you in a situation where you could find yourself faced with another unwanted pregnancy?
- Do you have trouble with emotional intimacy since your abortion?
- Have you experienced periods of prolonged depression since your abortion? Have you had any suicidal thoughts?
- Have you experienced any peculiar occurrences relating to the abortion experience, such as nightmares about babies, flashbacks, or hallucinations (for example, hearing a baby cry)?
- Are you able to talk about abortion? When choosing to share about your abortion(s), are you overcome with strong feelings?
- If you have children now, do you smother them with your love or overprotect them? Are you unable to bond with the children you now have?
- If you do not have children, do you fear that you will never be able to have them (either because of physical harm resulting from the abortion or because God won’t allow you)?
- Do you tend to look at your life in terms of “before” and “after” the abortion(s)? Has your self-concept changed?
I’m almost eighteen and I have been caught in a couple of not-so-wonderful relationships already. My last boyfriend and I were together for four years and even though I loved him, we were very bad for each other. After fighting with him continuously for basically that entire time, I met someone who is amazing. I always had an idea of my dream guy, and this is truly him. It was love at first sight and after realizing that I could have a life that was so well off with someone who never fought with me and loved everything about me, I became caught up in the middle of confusion and I had no idea what to do.
I was still with my last boyfriend, but I was madly in love with this other guy. So after a few, of what seemed to be endless, weeks of fighting my now ex-boyfriend, he text-ed me saying that I was a huge waste of time and money and he was sick of putting up with me and everything I did. I felt free and me and the other guy began getting pretty serious almost instantly. Now, I am in a very loving relationship with him and it is the kind of relationship that I always dreamed of, but never thought I would actually have.
So things were going incredibly perfect until I began to have insane mood swings and started feeling sick every morning and was accompanied by sharp pains in my abdomen. I had just started a new type of birth control though and they had always messed with my emotions. I have also had bad cramps since I was about thirteen so at first, my boyfriend and I thought that it was just messing with me again. But after a month went by and I still hadn’t gotten my period, we began to realize that it might be something else. So we went and bought a pregnancy test. Those things are so tricky, well the ones with the lines are, and we didn’t have any idea what exactly they were telling us so we went and bought ones with actual words and sure enough, it read pregnant. I am guessing that I am around six weeks or so and I have no idea what to do.
My boyfriend is two years younger than me and I am a senior and I want to go to college, so our first thought was abortion. For him, it was no question at first, but for me, I was always a little skeptical about it. As time has gone on, we are both getting even more questioning of it. We both want to have kids, we just weren’t planning on it right now. I realize that with a baby, some of our dreams will be put on hold, or maybe never met, but that might be for the best. I really want to keep it, I just don’t see any way that I can support it and myself and my boyfriend at this point in my life. Please if you have any advice let me know, or just a story that you would like to share with me, anything would help and I would be really grateful. Thank you so much.
I was afraid at first, afraid of what people would say, family, him. I was alone, so alone.
I was happy cuz a child is something special. But deep down inside, I felt the terrible feeling of emptiness. like I couldn’t breathe. I felt weak. I couldn’t carry on by myself. After all that, I felt the depression come on. I knew I had to stay healthy for myself and for my baby, but the days got longer and my belly got bigger (at least I thought so) and no one knew the truth. The truth that he touched me, or that I couldn’t be with anyone without that terrible nightmare came back to my head, and my body. After this came the thoughts of death when I lost my baby.
My baby didn’t live, why should I?
I fell pregnant a month short of my 16th birthday. I found out when my boyfriend was overseas working.
By the time he got back, I was 4 months pregnant. A week after he got back, he broke up with me stating he was not ready for a baby, and 2 months later, had a new girlfriend. This was 6 years ago and I now have a beautiful boy who will be 6 in Feb. My dilemma now is that I am 23 years old and have found the perfect guy. We’ve been dating for several months. We both have steady jobs but both still live with our parents. He is 25. I think I’m pregnant and don’t know what to do.
I know for a fact we can’t afford to keep this baby, but I don’t think I could live with myself for killing an innocent life! Please Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
