A downturn…

I was doing so well with trying to let my abortion be in the past…But I can’t help it, every time I see a pregnant woman, I just feel a little angry…

Today was the worst it’s been in a while. I had to go to my doctor to get a checkup, and sitting in the waiting room with my boyfriend, I saw a couple come out and they had big smiles on their faces… They had just found out they were having a boy and still had the sonogram pictures in their hand. I quietly started crying in my chair, and my boyfriend realized that I was and tried to comfort me, but I couldn’t help it… I want a baby so badly, I was starting to come to my senses, but this one incident just set me over.

For the last few hours, that’s  ALL I can think about…

First blog

Hey, so first blog… I think I will tell you about my day… Later, I will explain my story and it will all come together. But the last few days have been tough and I need to let it out.

My boyfriend, he’s amazing… We’re amazing together. We just go together. We don’t fight, we get along, and we just understand, to put it simply. At the moment, we are… still in time. I don’t feel we’re going anywhere… Just stuck here. Here’s not a horrible place to be. As a matter of fact, it’s not bad at all, but I feel like we’re not moving, just watching everything, life, people, everything going by us. I love him, I honestly do, but nothing is like my first love.

But to the point of the story… Today, my older brother and his wife whom I look up to and adore so much invited us for dinner. Of course, I said yes and told my boyfriend. Right away, he agreed. All day, I looked forward to it. When I picked him up from work, I told him my brother also asked if we could watch his daughter for a few hours after dinner so he could play his soccer game. My boyfriend replied with than I’m not coming. I don’t blame him for not liking crying kids but I wish he could just do something like this for me, something small like spending a few hours with some of the most important people in my life, my family. So after negotiating, I asked if he would come for dinner than go out with friends after. I still got no as an answer. Now its fine he doesn’t want to come but i felt so bad lying to my brother that he had to work late as they were looking so forward to having us over. And I was to, just to hangout as 2 couples, finally as an adult and not just a little sister.  I spend days with his family, although they get on my nerves. I am still my loving upbeat self and they adore me. My family is nothing but the same and more towards him. He is invited for dinner and treated like one of us he is truly apart of me, which makes my family love him even more. My family is my life. They complete me and one day, I will write more about them, about every single one of them… But back to the story/my life

Now, the other side of the story… Last night, I talked to my ex (as friends, of course. I would never in my life go behind my boyfriend’s back). You’ll here more about him in another post, but we had a moment. I found a box from our baby while moving. It had a little jacket, some books, some paper work, and one special book “I’ll love you forever”. This made me cry. Its been so long that I’ve cried. Everyday is hard but I try so hard to keep myself positive, tell myself I’m going to sort my life out, make money, and whatnot before I plan out a family. I am so desperate though. I want a family. I want my baby. I want everything else back. My ex, our life. Anyways, trying to get back on track, I read this book over and over and over, the words so so so true to me, “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”.

So today, when arguing with my boyfriend, he said he is not a baby person, he hates crying kids. This is when I had to hang-up and pull over. Before i knew it, I was sobbing. Everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, I’ve grown up dreaming of being a mother, having a beautiful family. And here, I have been with this man, doing everything in my willpower to be the best I can be for him, do the best I can do for him and he doesn’t even want or understand me and my dreams. It was like he had suddenly forgot my past (which you will hear more about later). It broke my heart and it got me questioning – maybe this is my sign, my sign from God… Maybe I am not supposed to be with him, maybe this is my turn around signal, or maybe this is my chance to show someone else how there is truly something better out there, change someone’s life for the better, put it into motion again (see previous statement).

Anyways, those are my feelings for now… I know, scattered. I’ve never done this before but it does feel good to get it out, to write it down… Even if no one reads this (maybe for the better), its there, its real, its not all in my head, its on paper… or the net for now.

Oh dear god.. help me

Another Day,

Soo, another day of being a pregnant fifteen-year-old.

Today in my first-period class ( in which no one knows of my secret), some popular boy in my class, stands up and asks me if I’m pregnant?! I reply, ahh. why would you say that? He replies back all short, Well, take a look, I mean with all due respect, you ARE gaining weight. I couldn’t help but cry, I feel so unsafe in this school! I’m overly emotional as it is, but that crossed the line.

The super gorgeous girls in the class of course stereotype, that the pregnant teenagers these days, have horrible issues and are usually along the line of being a slut. SOO the whispers began, making me nervous and completely stressed out. I cracked once again. I then stood up in my first-period English class and yelled, ” Actually, I’m in love with the guy I’m with. I’m proud to be a future mother. I AM a beautiful person and I WILL stand up for all the teen moms who each and every one of you scare and frighten. I HAVE my sister support, and I WIILL NOT take this from my own peers.” And then, I broke down.

It’s hard when we struggled to have friends as it is,  when you were the ugly one, the loser and then now in an even harder part, you find yourself struck with more from their ends.

I’m ready to take this one, but I’m emotionally breaking down, I’m alone..

Pregnant at 16

When I first found out I was pregnant, I thought the world was ending and decided straight away to have an abortion.

It was in January this year and I was 16 at the time and had been with my boyfriend for a year. Trouble was, I didn’t love him like I used to as he had been violent for about 6 months by then. The first time he laid his hands on me was at his mam’s bonfire night party. Everyone had just left and we were arguing because a girl had told me she had also been seeing him for the first three months of my relationship with him, I didn’t know what to believe so I spoke to him about it and told him I didn’t know what to think. He just lost his temper and we argued. He punched the wall first then he put his hands round my neck and strangled me. I was in shock. Anyway, the violence carried on and got worse and worse, but we stayed together.

One weekend, I was just at home as normal and my mam asked me if I was pregnant. I said no, I couldn’t be. But it took me by surprise and made me think. The following Monday, my boyfriend picked me up from work on the morning it was about half past 9. He spoke to me and he also said he thought I was pregnant and should do a test. So we went to get one. I did the test in the toilet at Tesco but didn’t look at the result till I got back to the car. When I saw those two lines, I burst into tears and couldn’t stop, but my boyfriend smiled. I didn’t understand how he could be happy about it. When I asked him how he felt, he said he didn’t know. I told him I needed to go to my mam so he took me to see her and I couldn’t tell her. I just kept crying but she somehow knew and just said to me you’re pregnant, aren’t you? I just nodded and she started to cry as well. The first thing I said to her when I could manage was I know what i want to do. I want an abortion. We didn’t really get too speak much as she was at work so she told me to just go home. So I did and to be honest, I can’t remember the next two months or so. I just went through life in a depressed haze.

When I eventually went to the doctor’s, I kept changing my mind about if I wanted an abortion or not. Eventually, I agreed to go and see a counsellor and when I did, she told me in detail what a abortion would entail. I made up my mind for good then that I couldn’t do it, especially not at this stage in the pregnancy as now this was a baby, not just an embryo.

It was hard to accept everything going on. My boyfriend was still violent towards me even though he knew I was pregnant. Once, he was grabbing at my stomach saying that thing in there, I don’t want it. He left my stomach bruised and I worried for days if the baby would be OK. I went through a terrible time. I had extremely bad sickness all day and night and was in bed most of the time. It lasted four months. The day came when I had to tell my dad I was pregnant. I couldn’t do it though so my mam did instead and he completely lost it with me. He called me a lot of names and told me I had to move out, which made him and my mam argue because she said that wasn’t going to happen. I had an amazing amount of support from my mam, I was very lucky. I know she was disappointed that it had happened but she supported me and helped me more than I could ever thank her for.

She still is my rock now and has been supportive all the way through even though I know I have been hard to deal with at times. My family is amazing. I have support from everyone except my dad. He still hasn’t come round although he is starting to be a little bit more accepting of the whole thing. Everyone believes that it was meant to be as we had lost 3 close family members in a short space of time: my Grandad (Mam’s dad) died in October 3 years ago, and then 18 months later, my nana (mam’s mam) died in May, then later that year again, in October, my uncle (dad’s brother) died at the age of 34. All of it was sudden. Then I got pregnant and my mam believes that it’s meant to be especially as the baby is due on the 22nd of October, my grandad’s birthday. I think so too and I know that my gorgeous little girl will bring a light into all my family’s lives, not just mine. I hope my dad will start to see it in a different light when the baby does come along (I’m due in two day’s!!) because everyone else is supportive and can’t wait.

My story isn’t tragic or awful but the feelings I felt and sometimes still do, even with all the support, are hard to deal with. The depression is a crushing weight that is really hard to lift off your shoulders and sometimes, I feel like it will smother me altogether. I don’t know why I still get depressed although I believe it may be because of hormones. All in all, teenage pregnancy is something I used to look at in disgust myself but now I’m truly ashamed of the way I judged other girls.

Everyone makes mistakes and we all have to deal with the consequences.

Emotional Night

Well, tonight was a VERY emotional night.

I honestly can’t stop crying and it’s killing me that my family refusing to talk to me. I’m keeping this baby, because the breath of a baby, is like the sun that kisses a bloom, it’s essential, it’s beautiful, it’s AMAZING. I’m just scared. I’m fifteen and by myself. My boyfriend is back in Berlin for a few weeks and I’m struggling without him. Today was my sister’s birthday ( she was shot and killed in a hit & run last summer) and she would be the only one right now to grasp my clammy nervous hands through this all. I’m a strong girl, and I will do this, I AM BRAVE,

I love you sisters, and NEVER EVER, you forget that.
Take my grasp, and we won’t ever be alone<3