It’s the worst feeling in the world.
Knowing your baby isn’t there, that you will never hold him or her.
Knowing you might have been able to stop it.
I Miss You so much, my little angel.
I know it could be for the best.
I wasn’t ready for you, you weren’t ready.
I even had names..,
Cory Shawden for a boy.
or
Sanity Shawden for a girl.
I had a little yellow sleeper that said ‘I love my daddy.’
I think that’s what got you to change your mind. You were excited to to be a daddy, I know you said we can try again… But that little baby will always be my first… Another baby won’t take the place. Even though I want to be a mommy so badly…
But for now, my little angel, you’re in space, a soul just looking for a body.
Just remember to come back to mommy.
I will always love you. <3
So I went to get my ultrasound done this morning and the doctor said that the baby’s heart was going too fast.
So she checked me out fully and did a lot of uncomfortable stuff (I’d rather not mention) and started asking me questions. Like whether or not I was stressed lately or how I’d been eating. Well, I haven’t been stressed- just got engaged for crying out loud!!! How would that stress me out!!! But I have been worrying about my fiancé going off to college…or at least if he is. I still don’t know his decision. She then told me that if I don’t calm down and relax…I’ll lose my baby. That the stress isn’t good for it. My fiancé walked into the room right then and asked if he was allowed to come in yet… All I could do was giggle and say yes. He came in and rubbed my belly and kissed me. My beautiful family together, and I get told by my doctor that I may not meet my baby if I don’t relax. So she relayed the same message to him and he had a hand on my belly the entire time. We got home and fell asleep together. He promised me that he wasn’t going anywhere. Right then and there. He promised. He swore he wouldn’t leave me and our baby. I have him-and our baby-all I have to do is keep relaxed.
Can I stay calm? Even with worries of how to afford everything? O, how are we gonna do this??
I dunno what to do. Whether or not I made the right choice. Whether or not my fiancé was really proposing to me because of me and not because of the baby…
I know he wants us to be a family… But proposing to me just because I’m pregnant is all wrong. So, I called him last night and asked him to come to my apartment. I told him it had to do with the baby (I wasn’t lying). Anyway, he came straight over. and we talked till one this morning… He finally was able to convince me that he proposed for the right reason. He stayed the night. When I woke up this morning, he had made breakfast and had it sat on his legs for right when my alarm was gonna go off. Then he bent down and moved my tank-top so he could kiss my belly. Right then, right there, I knew I was making the right choice in marrying him. So as we ate, we began talking about whether or not to wait till after the baby was born to have the wedding or to have it before the baby came. Of course, I argued that there was no way in hell he would catch me in a wedding dress pregnant with a baby bump. I just couldn’t do it. The stereotyping and faces that would come with it..(my family is stupid and judgmental)….and his is well…conservative….We aren’t religious, but they believe that a baby should be brought into wedded bliss. So ya…a little tension.
But I know I made the right choice. For me, him, and my baby.
The worst happened. On Nov 23, I had a miscarriage. I was so ready to be a mom, I wanted my baby so badly. I had names.
girl and boy.
Sanity Shawden
or
Cory Shawden
I had a little yellow sleeper that said ‘I love my daddy’…
My boyfriend liked that, even though he was the one who wanted me to get an abortion.
He said if I wanted, we could try again.
I’m still thinking, I want to be a mommy so badly.
it was only 3 days after I told my mom. she was happy. She was going to help. She wanted to be a Grandma…
My little Angel is up in space, once again, a little soul, looking for body… For now, I’ll miss you, I still love you. No mater what. You will always be my first baby.
I love u sweetie <3. When you’re ready, come back to mommy…
October 17 was so unforgettable to me. I will never forget this day.
Early that morning, I went walking outside our house because before that night, I went on bleeding. My mom was excited so she let me walk outside. I ate breakfast early and took my bath. By 10 o’clock in the morning, exactly after my bath, I felt pain in my abdomen. I told my mom about it and they rushed me to the hospital. I kept on praying in the emergency room and the doctor did I.E. to me and it was about 6 cm. They put I.V. to me and they led me to the Delivery room. By 11 o’clock, my doctor went to the delivery room and let me get my urine sample. And she did I.E. to me again and it was 8 cm. She popped my bag of water and she left me lying in the bed for about 12 noon. Then the delivery started. I felt pain and for about 23 minutes, the baby went out. I cried because I saw her beautiful eyes looking at me and I was very happy. Tears of joy went out of my eyes. After 1 day, I went out of the hospital and she went out after 2 days.
I could not believe that I had a beautiful girl..♥
This morning, I crawled into my son’s bed, I had just gotten home from dropping my daughter off at school and had a few minutes to snuggle before I had to get him up and ready for his school day.
I could tell he was awake, but he pretended to still be asleep just to take advantage of the snuggle time… When I snuggled up to him, he turned to the side to where I was spooning him…LOL… I reached my arm up and wrapped around him to where my right hand rested on his heart. As I lay there, I could feel his little heart pound away and I got to thinking. That the heart that I was feeling so powerful against my hand, the heart that was pounding so strong that I could hear it with my head laying on the pillow next to him, that same heart used to be so tiny and at one point couldn’t be heard even with medical equipment.
Yet, it was there beating and pounding away, even before his lungs were formed, before he had fingers, a nose, his beautiful long eyelashes… His heart was there thumping away… Nothing changed once he came out, his heart kept thumping. It has obviously never stopped from the moment it started. It has grown to circulate more blood through his now 5 year old body but other than that, nothing has changed… It just struck me that he really is that same little tiny being that took up space in my tummy and that scared me so badly when I saw the plus sign… It is him, he is here, and has been for 5 years now, but the magnitude of that has still not completely sank in… He was not planned and I was so not ready to be a single mom to yet another child. He already had an older sister. I was scared, poor, and already struggling, yet when I saw that test turn positive, I saw this green eyed little boy in my mind. He came out just as I saw him…that little heart still beating. At a point in my womb when he looked anything but like a baby, his heart was visible, like a little flicker going from black to white on the screen. Even though he looked like a little amoeba, his heart was noticeably a heart even though nothing else was an obvious part and that same little tiny heart still beats in him and it just makes me stop in awe and wonder and think about how amazing that really is…
