I’m really tired of feeling alone! All it does is stress me out and I’m tired of it.
And most importantly, I’m really worried that if I keep on stressing that I will lose my baby because I’m only 4 months pregnant and I know someone that lost her baby when she was only 5 months pregnant over stress. The father of my baby and I are still dating but all we do is fight. We got in this big fight last Sunday and he still hasn’t talked to me and the fight wasn’t even that big of a deal. I don’t want to lose my boyfriend and my baby over all of this.
I’m tired of crying all the time.
‘Little One,’ by Rebecca St. James
Hush, my Baby. Be still inside me.
Rest my Child. All is well.
Hush, my Baby. Grow inside me.
You are safe there, my little girl.
I can’t believe that I would ever think that you were not to be.
But, darling, mommy feels like a child herself.
And I will give my life to love you, little one.
And I will give my life to protect you, darling. Always.
Always…
Hush my Baby. I’m dreaming of you.
And wondering just who you’ll become.
Hush my Baby. Smile inside me.
Warmed by knowing you are loved.
I can’t believe that I could ever think of life without you.
But, darling, mommy sometimes feels afraid.
And I will give my life to love you, little one.
And I will give my life to protect you, darling. Always.
Always…
Hush my Baby, smile inside me.
Warmed by knowing you are loved.
I first heard this song during the ending credits of the new movie, ‘Sarah’s Choice,’ starring Rebecca St. James. I had been eagerly anticipating the release of this movie that portrays a single woman who must make the decision whether she is going to choose life or death for her unborn child. My expectations for this movie were definitely met! In fact, more movies like it need to be made. The story really struck a chord in my own heart because in the story of my own real life, I am dealing with a situation very much like this one. The story is raw and it is powerful and I feel like I understood everything “Sarah” was experiencing.
Over the past few months, I have had to make the decision about what “choice” to make with my own unborn child. Then, I realized I really don’t have much of a choice. The choice was never mine to make. God gives and God takes away. I feel like the words to this song truly echo the words that my heart longs to express. How could I have ever lived my whole life without knowing my precious daughter? How could I have gone without ever holding her, kissing her, knowing her? I can’t fully explain the joy and peace I feel these days and months that I’m carrying my baby. Feeling her kick and move is unbelievably exciting and amazing! It seems like whenever I try to let someone feel, she always stops! But, my little sister finally felt her kicking last night! Just knowing what is going on inside my body is enough to keep me thinking and pondering forever about God’s goodness and awesomeness.
What once seemed to be the thing that would end my life is now the very reason that I live. Sure, my life is going to be different now than what I had originally dreamed or anticipated. But, God has so much planned for this little life growing inside me. And so much planned for me! He is already giving me a new vision and new dreams for my life! I now see that being unmarried and pregnant is not a sin in itself, but what got me here was the sin. My baby is not a sin. She is still a blessing and nothing to be ashamed of! I have turned from my sin and walked away, and God is blessing me for that. He is taking a situation the world would look at as horrible and impossible and bringing Himself glory and changing my heart for the better.
My sweet Lily almost never got the chance to live. But, my God saved her! (there will be another blog with more details about this at a later date.) Praise you, Jesus, for breaking my heart and saving my child! And God saved me. He is truly an awesome, amazing God with a heart full of love and compassion. God, teach me how to love this baby. Teach me how to be a mother. Give me your heart, patience, guidance, strength, wisdom, love, and peace. I feel so inadequate to be entrusted with such a great responsibility! But, I know you alone will give me what I need to get through each new challenge and each new day. And when that day comes, which is soon, that this lily-white princess is born, I will truly be looking into a face showcasing Jesus’ love, forgiveness, and redemption. I long for the day I can gaze into her blue and curious eyes and know that I made the right choice. Life. And what a beautiful choice it is!
Listen to ‘Little One,’ by Rebecca St. James by clicking on link below:
Little One Playlist on MySpace Music – Play Playlist Songs & Download Tracks
So, my doctor decided to be nice to me since I was just sneaking out of bed. She decided it would do no harm to take the bed rest orders off. So I am off bed rest but on one condition. That I take it extremely easy. No stress, no stair climbing, no running, etc, etc. I swear that the doctor gave me such a long lecture on what I can’t do. I think there’s only a couple things I can do.
Last night, we went for a walk along the beach. Although it was chilly, the sunset was amazing. I haven’t ever seen anything so beautiful. Well except my ultrasound!! LOL!! Anyhow, we were on our way back to the truck and the baby started to kick. But it was like crazy kicks!! I actually had to sit in the sand while the child used me as a personal punching bag. I swear that kid is going to hurt me. He/she is just as strong as their daddy. I’m not saying he has hit me!!! He has never ever hit me or hurt me in any way… I’m just saying muscle-wise, their daddy is strong. He can still carry me even though I’m six months pregnant!!!! Which I find miraculous!!! Anyhow, I gotta go do some laundry. I have to do something rather than sitting online all day.
Anyone got advice on how to keep swelled feet down? Or back pains away?? I still got a little less than 3 months to go.
Hey, this is my first blog. I’m only 17 and long story short about me; I have had so many things happen to me this year. I never thought I could feel soo much pain hit me in one go. It felt like a big fire truck smacking into me.
This happened on the 3.6 this year. My heart felt crushed. That’s the day I went to get an abortion. I know it’s not right. It’s true when people say ‘ A baby shouldn’t pay for your mistakes ‘. But I just had so many troubles in my life.
My boyfriend and I met when we were around 15. We have always had a thing for each other. We would date on and off for like around 2 times. Anyway, last year on the 21.12, that’s when we got back together. It felt so real. I lost it to him even though he doesn’t believe me, but I really lost it to him. I have liked this boy ever since high school and I felt like somewhere deep down inside me, I loved him. We can not talk for months and every time we talk again, instantly, we would end up liking each other again.
My Boyfriend and I dated and 2 months later or so, I felt pregnant to his baby. I was so excited and scared at the same time. I really wanted keep him/her. I didn’t know how to tell my parents. I was afraid. My sister ended up finding out. My family didn’t support me in the decision I wanted, the decision was that I wanted to keep my baby! But no one wanted to support me. Back then, my boyfriend was still a ‘ playa ‘ you can say. He would text girls in front of me , talk to them on the phone in the other room. I would use to cry everyday. I didn’t know why I didn’t leave him. Maybe because this was the boy I was falling for ever since the age of 15. Maybe that why I couldn’t let go .
Well, I found out I was 4 months and 2 weeks pregnant. I was so happy inside but I knew my boyfriend didn’t want it even though he keep saying ‘ you can have it ‘. But I knew he didn’t want to. He couldn’t let go of how he was like. So eventually, my boyfriend stopped doing all those things. He was there for me and he supported me. We decided we were too young for a kid so we had an abortion that day. I was so scared. I tried to be strong and act like everything was OK to my boyfriend. When I went into the abortion and it came time to lay down, my heart was beating so fast. I tried to hold back the tears but I guess it was too late to do anything about it since I already took the 3 pills they have given . After that, I got off, went back to the ward, and rested. I went home, feeling like a part of me was missing. I cried myself to sleep that night. My boyfriend held my hand through it all and I was happy he changed his way. I knew he was sad, he wrote on his phone ‘ 3.6.09 I love [the blogger] a lesson in love ‘ . I cried myself to sleep for the past couple of nights. I felt weird waking up and not touching my belly, knowing my own baby wasn’t with me anymore. I regret this a lot, but this experience has made us real close and i know he really loves me till this day we are still together, our 1 year in a couple of days.
Does it make me a bad person if I regret what I’ve done yet I’m kind of pleased that this has bought me and my boyfriend together? I don’t know. I’m lost with words . All I wanna say is I miss you, bubbah, and if i still kept you , you would have been in this world last year around November the 27th. I’m sorry it makes me a bad person . Hope you can forgive me when we meet again in heaven.
I love you and your dad loves you too .xxx
3.6.09, a day that has changed who I am inside and how I felt . You as a a person, a growing baby, changed my life.
x0x0x
I guess that some things are just not meant to be… like me and pregnancy. Why won’t things just work out the way that I want it to? I am so desperate right now. Desperate and miserable. God knows I want a baby so badly and it just doesn’t want to happen, no matter how hard I try, I don’t fall pregnant.
There were no physical complications after the abortion, so I’m at my wit’s end trying to figure out why I’m not conceiving. Is it because I want it so desperately? Or because I’m being punished for my past mistakes? Is it because I’m just not meant to be a mother?
I feel like I’m busy going around and around and around in circles. I don’t know how many more negative hits I can survive.
F@ck I’m so depressed.
Today was pretty much the same as always: watching baby shows and preparing for when my little one comes along. I am officially 35 weeks along today. How exciting, only a little bit more to go.
I’m extremely excited yet scared at the same time. I don’t know what to expect. Will I be a good mom? Will she like me? Am I going to be ready for her? So many questions and thoughts running through my head. Things have been really rough for my mom lately and I feel bad that I can’t be more of a help. Money is so tight that sometimes we go for days without eating. I know God sometimes puts people through trials but I can’t help but wonder when will this trial be over.
Haven’t we suffered enough already?
